Categories
Poetry

I Disappear (poetry)

Here I was

There where I’m not

Fantasizing about a tomorrow

That has already disappeared

 

I disappear

Dissolve

Cease to exist

Not all of reality

But that specter who was me

Yet is not me anymore

Delusions of the man I miss being

Those happy times

Whose misery is buried

Ground lost to the cleansing snow of memory

The only thing I see

Is what I choose to remember

And what I remember

Was the beauty of roses past

When now I am in an unknown season

 

Life changes

Chapters change, begin, end, and are skipped

Here where I am

At this very moment

There is the looking back to what has already happened

Those lips touched

Conversations shared

Eyes caught, and, then let go

They were not me

The me who is here

Where I am

He was born today

Will die tomorrow

Sleep taking most of what he offers

And alcohol taking the rest

With maybe a few minutes of beauty

Not macabre

Just the soft reality

Of my disappearance

 

When I dream of tomorrow

I weep

I can fantasize such glorious creations

Myself the man I dare not even dream to be

But no matter the wonder that might await

It comes at the expense of this moment

Not a squandered moment, never

Rather, the realization that this present combustion

So powerful

So right

So ephemeral

It is going to disappear

 

There was an argument

A very bad argument

Between myself and another

And words were said that should not be said

And I wish to never hear them again

Yet

Now

Inside my memories

That argument

So long ago

I miss it

What I would give for it to happen again

Today

Tomorrow

Forever

That tombstone to a time that is no longer here

That last flash of light

Before the complete eclipse

 

My lover

My life

The one who doesn’t exist

At least not anymore

What was I to you?

I remember the days

Where you would wake me

By just staring

Waiting to catch my eye at initial consciousness

Knowing how wonderful for me

After a harrowing night of horrible dreams

To wake seeing your peaceful face

It has disappeared

And this is ok

I forgive you, if you can forgive me

That is not what eats on my tranquility

No

What turns me, a proud man

Into a writhing mess, not even human

What it is

Is I never asked you what you thought when you stared at me

And now,

Because that time is no longer

And even if I was to ask you

You wouldn’t be able to give me truth

Because that time

It has disappeared

 

Yes, I mourn

Yet now, I am here in the moment

Something beautiful

Something special

So much like those past days

Entirely different

With this unifying thread of constant bliss

Universal perfection

A man is not a this or that

But a compendium

A universe

Encompassing Everything

I am at bliss

I hope for bliss tomorrow

Yet

Yet

Yet

There were other times

Other times that filled my soul

The bliss of yesterday

And as I lose it

As I forget it

I still remember

Lovingly

Those last shards I still have

Before they, to, disappear

 

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