onon (poetry)

the train is here
the train is here can I catch it can I catch it
don’t leave
that holiness in my mind just a moment ago
let me run sprint fly dream die go flow here i am just please don’t go
let me on
and I will fly
I will show you
what I can’t show myself
no mirror to show myself
can you / can you / can you listen or read or float
can you / can you listen to whatever it is
that comes out now and before
and tell me
who me is

lets start by singing softly
who am I today
who am I pray
who am I to say
that today is the day
we finally, escape this gray

but it’s not the truth
that this is my true mood
there is something in me
that I need to be
I hate it, you see
this devil in me

I’m gonna rise up and find
escape this grind
my innermost mind
it’s just a fucking lemon//
take away the pretty shit
what’s it like to be me?
can’t you see
that I have to live
with the fucking devil in me

fuck me, because that’s not true
just something to escape the blue
god is in my heart
I need shatter
I need to batter with a hammer no matter the clammer this bullshit manner that let’s me blather shit that don’t matter
fuck the rhymes
we can be honest, they’re not honest

there is something that needs to be said
today, this poem isn’t for you
it’s for me, just little me
grey bearded nash
isn’t that that that that that that guy?
I aint
I aint tell you I aint to be saying I’m something special
I aint the dirt on your shoe
I aint the guy you see here
Not the loud mouth fast talker
Not the shouter or the prayer or the guy who has an article for everything
I tell you I aint
Because what I know for sure
Is I aint that guy
Then who am I?

This is a repeat after me song, what is it?
I said! This is a repeat after me song, what is it?
Everywhere we go
Everywhere we go
People always ask us
Who we are
Then we tell them
We just don’t, really really don’t know
Who we are,
But we’re searching, maybe today (getting slower), maybe tomorrow
Maybe I saw it
Maybe I missed it

It’s all ok
I’m not bad, if, if you aren’t bad
I look for a truth
But you, yeah you, you can be my truth
We can escape and be, find glee, SEE
I’m there for you, if you’re there for me
To not not hide
Those people we really are
I know your secrets
I know everything
Because my secrets are your secrets
Let’s love our secrets
Let’s forgive ourselves
Fuck god, yeah, fuck you man, and, I love you, but fuck you
To say that you are perfection, and all we are is some pale imitation
I renounce my imperfection
I renounce the idea that I am perfect
I will rise and find and oh god try to not be god but be bigger than god
I am god, yeah, no, really, a trillion times a trillion atoms circling in universes around me to give me these fucking eyes to do nothing/nothing/nothing but see the world
god made the world, top hacker shit
but, I gaze with awe
we gaze with awe. Have I lost you already?
Is this stupid narcissim in my mind
That makes me wake up lonely every day
And every grin a bit of a cringe
As I wonder what broken shit I am,
To always be alone, full of gloam
Let us beat back god together
Let us be us
If you aren’t scared of me
I won’t be scared of you
Can we be each others mirror?
Do you want me to say I love you first?
Because it’s true, I love you. I love you.
I love my mom and dad // blue skys fighting rainy days
I love UBC/OLPC/SafeMotos/AlexiaJennNualaPeterDesiremybrothers/dreamers
I love the idea of loving
Is my love less because I love the world more
I love you
That doesn’t mean you need to say you love me

Rise and shine me
Rise and shine, feeling glee
Rise and shine and find that I’ve escaped for a moment the grind

I want this to end
But the truth hasn’t been written
I’m still on this train
But it’s not going to where I want it to go
How do I say that one thing I want to say
The words are there there there
How do I just say it
Let me throw myself off this train
And wait for me, I am about to go and be mad and shatter but no matter ignore the clatter here I am for a moment am I soaring tell me it’s not boring where are the words I am in the air for just this second I need to find them I can’t break free any more I can’t keep open this door oh please god I just want more I don’t want what you got in store not afraid of fire, afraid of just just just just just just just just just just just I don’t wanna dissappear
Fuck that I’m in the hall of my mind for just his second let me try all the doors let me find those things that I’ve stored and clean up
This door here, shit, I don’t want to open it. Am I worth being loved? Am I shit, useless, blissless, unmagical? Let me not open that door. I need a hug. Don’t hug me. I need to know who I am. Tell me who I am.
Don’t even tell me who I am.
I think I think I think I think
I know what I need
I know what to ask,
You, who I love
Are we the same?
Is your mind filled with these devils
These SCRATCHED records
Madness sadness and hint of gladness
Can, can I be less lonely?
Are you lonely too?
Do you go to dance and wonder why your legs don’t move
Do you go to put your arm on someone and, and, it just doesn’t work out
Does someone hug you and you recoil, even/even though all you want is to be hugged?
Is that you?
Maybe, maybe, we don’t have to be alone
Maybe, maybe
Maybe, maybe
The train has stopped, did I ever get on it. I was just running in the rain. Screaming at the big clouds, eclipse at noon on a Saturday.
Really more like 11
I didn’t say what I wanted to say
I didn’t say what I wanted to say
I didn’t say what I wanted to say
I didn’t say what I wanted to say
on on
on on
we make our own way forwards
we have the choice to make our own way forwards

Leave a Reply