In A Healthier Headspace Than Last Time I Was Here (Poetry)

Here again
In front of the blank screen
In a familiar place, yet I was different here before
Though I am the same
Always different, always the same

Finding it harder to say things that used to come easy to me
But I chose to move on from those old things,
Didn’t I?
To build a roof one must grow from the walls
And trust the foundation

Shouting in a hurricane
A tree falling alone
My voice is invisible
Does it bother me?
Is my purpose for my voice to be heard?

The formulas describe the world around me
The correct theories are the ones that describe my everyday reality
The world is not a mystery
Truth and answers scream around us
That which tells flowers to grow
Why are we deaf to it?

Distracted again
My attention shifts
Back to what my phone is telling me
To the cacophony of reality
That which takes my time
The fight on the ground,
Rarely, if ever, moving me higher in the sky

The question I was talking about with Brian, Malaz and Chrystina is this
How many people on earth wouldn’t suck a billionaire’s dick for a billion dollars
How crude, my apologies
But my heart is sad that we have sold ourselves for gold
We worship, each and every day, false idols
We have lobotomized the part of our brain that knows god
We have lost consciousness to the reason for consciousness
Just rats with electrodes
Keeping our bodies in action
With no reason why
Purposeless in a purposeful and a purpose needed world
Like a dementia sufferer
Our task to carry the water bags to the dehydrated
But half way on the journey forgetting,
Or being led astray
To why we are carrying this water
That which is a part of our equation
That which somewhere in the quantum universe depends
On the ying to homo sapiens yang
Holds great fear
Perhaps the seeds in the garden do not get that what it is to grow

A mental vignette passes through my mind
It is not visual, my eyes are open, staring at these words on my Macbook
But it is there in my mind
Where does it live in my head?
Of course I worry about mental illness
Just as a I worry about delusions of grandeur
Peace with the flaws of each individual
Awe at the godlike qualities of each individual
I do not feel divergent

Look at my distraction
My brain doesn’t go in a straight line
I will lose the thread, like forgetting a dream
But what if it was something important?
Myself the least able to recognize

Let me share this tendril of thought, before it dissipates
Is it still there?
We are in awe that the universe exists
A seeming refutation of the standard model of physics
Which would predict total and complete mutual annihilation of everything but light
(why not light?)
Humans, or the Weak Nuclear Force, which act the same, a force which
Stops matter from annihilating from antimatter
We are in wonder of existence
We are proud that we exist, rather than not exist
But what if our existence is the opposite of our purpose?
What if we are supposed to annihilate with our antimatter selves
That we are a blown rivet in the machinery of the universe
A crack
That as we were carrying the water
Carrying our purpose
We became lost
A dementiated force
And that water we were supposed to use to grow
Is lost along the way

We worry that perhaps antimatter finds us
And we annihilate
And our purpose is to keep the universe going
But what if we are supposed to plug the hole in the hull of the universe
Which we created
To cease our being an outlier of the standard model
And instead complete it
If we were to seek out our antimatter
And annihilate ourselves
The equations would hold
They would just be delayed

That was the idle thought going through my mind
Emile is Whatsapping me about lunch, I cannot go, I thought I told him clearly
Ceri is asking me about my jeans, if they should go in the dryer or be hung
I have seven minutes before going on a call with SOSV for InfiniteUp
Let me save this before it disappears
Something exists here that did not exist thirty minutes ago