Thoughts On My Relationship With God (Poetry)

The purpose of the universe is oneness

However, it is becoming more chaotic

The universe is going the opposite of oneness

The universe deviates in the opposite direction from its purpose.

Many do not care.

For what is the universe to me?

For me, I do not know if I care or not.

But I do believe that the purpose of the universe is oneness

And that I have a choice, an individual choice.

To work towards oneness

Which is to work towards God

Or to not

It is a choice

I am not sure if there is a right or wrong answer

What does it beget me if the universe accomplishes its purpose or not?

But if I was to be an ally to God

And seek the unity of the universe

Then it would come via energy

For the physical act of oneness is easy to map out

It is just the bringing of all energy in the universe together and igniting it

For that is the oneness

And while that may be very hard to do

What is easy to do is to consciously chart in this direction

To choose to fight against chaos theory and instead garden the universe around us into greater order

And, at an individual level,

Like a wizard with his staff

Do all that we can

In all meanings that we can

Without hiding

To be directing all of the energy of the universe together

If we choose the path of God

Then it is easy

And it is just about a matter of scale

And a matter if we are a match for the countervailing chaos forces against god that seed the aether around us

But before this is the question

Do we seek to be allies to God

Or is this not our fight?

God and the universe should take care of their own problems

Why is their problem my problem?

It is a question I am struggling with

I believe in God

I believe in the direction of filling God’s purpose is that


At an individual level

Must seek to bring the energy of the universe together

That I

At an individual level

Must seek to mobilize an army for God, to achieve God’s purpose


Why must I be an agent of God

I ask

Not to be a heretic

Not to defame, or disrespect, or smear God

But rather because it is a question that deserves an answer

What is it to me if God wins or loses in the battle of oneness over chaos

What is it to me what happens to God?

What is it to me

If the choice is not even about being the ally or enemy of God

But why care about God at all?


But just as being an ally of God is a choice

Ignoring the war of the oneness of God against chaos

It should also be a choice

I know I am not chaos’s ally


I am an ally of God

Or I am neutral

I believe neutral is a choice

Perhaps the axis I operate on is in a different dimension than that of God

As surprising as that might be to God

But I should not be passively neutral

I should consciously choose neutral

My choice is between God and neutral

I wonder how to make this choice?

For how I choose for myself

Will effect the energy I bring in the universe around me

Night Out In Galway (short story)

The train has come
I can feel it
Rushing through me
A fabricated aether
A feel of interconnectedness
Every aspect of everything as one
There is no need for drugs or god,
When every breath is full of the meaning of life
If we could just be better at remembering to notice it

dancing last night with Theo and Marie
Who I met last night
Will I see them again
At a bar in Galway
The Gaelish language studio
Which I was walking past, feeling dispirited
And hungry!
And I could hear live music,
Like the rock bands of my teenage years
And I went inside and got a Smithwicks
To not have to wait for the slowness of a Guinness
And then I stand with a small crowd while the band is playing
The band is not vocal focused, though there is a mic’ed singer
There is a drummer, a saxophonist, a bassist, a keyboard and a guitar
They are playing some type of jazz rock n’roll
There is maybe sixty people between the bar and the concert
Just one big room really
And I see a few cute girls, who I could imagine falling in love with
But why would I want to intrude on their existence
When they have their own very busy lives
That I don’t want to disrupt
And at the front there are some people dancing
In that seizure like nordic way
Unlike the way I would dance in Africa
But then the music is quite good
And accidentally, though not unhappily, I am a bit closer to the front
And my body is moving with rhythym
So nice that over the decades I have learned this skill
And then the band asks us all to take a knee
I don’t like doing things like this
I am irritated, don’t tell me what to do
But then I can also see the band so well now
And the music is pulsating and intense
The energy of the crowd washes over me,
My bitterness dissipates and I become one with the crowd
We are all on a knee but moving together without movement
A single organism, and I am a part of it
And the music is building
I think they must be fans of Godspeed You Black Emperor!, they understand a build up
And then like a launch of a rocket we are all up and moving in a frenzy
Bouncing off each other like electrons chaosing around each other
It feels safe, it would not feel safe in many places, but here I feel safe
I am remember of being sixteen
Going to moshpits at Pleasant Valley Elementary school gym
Listening to the Lady Esther
It is good to have this feeling being not just remembered in my head
But remembered in my body as well
Time passes in a slow and fast way
It is done, but not too fast
I recharged on an energy I had not even noticed I was deficient of
And then I go and get another beer
Enjoying the line up
I lose a bet to a cute girl over how much caffeine is in a Diet Coke
There’s a lot of caffeine in a Diet Coke!
The line up at the bar is joking and sweet
I feel include, not alone
Then I watch the next band play from a distance,
Leaning against a wall
Taking a break
And the fellow in front of me, the only black person in the building
Leans back and his fuzzy hair nudges me
And I got to move, but he is apologizing
And invites me to sit with his Irish friend
They are Theo and Marie
And we have a pleasant time talking to each other
Theo is from Katanga
And I impress him by being a Gombe Boy
Marie seems very wise and knowledgeable
She comes from that area between Dublin and Galway
And then we go to listen to the final band
Marie seems a bit introverted
And Theo is like a fish out of water
So we are on the edge
But, we, I, drift us to the front on the right
Let us be close and covered in the warmth of the crowd
And then people are dancing and moshing
And I grab Theo and drag him through the mosh pit, and he is a radiating sun of happiness
And I use my body to protect him,
Though the crowd is without anger or hurt
And when we stop I can feel it was a transformational moment for him
And we are all dancing with the crowd
Marie is smiling in a sweet way
She and Theo are kissing
Oh, that makes sense, they are a couple!
Good for them, I am glad when I see love,
And then the band ends
And we go outside and we take a picture
And then we leave each other,
Marie and Theo go together, towards Galway East End
They wish me a good life
And I go towards the West End
And I wish them a good life
And I get McDonalds on the way home,
Because their vegan burger is amazing
And I was hungry from before going to the concert
And I walk along the train bridge back to Renmore
Where I am staying with Aoife’s mom
And I practice French along the way
And this was the night of Friday, the 24th of June, in the year 2022

Boulevard du 30 Juin (Poetry)

This is a transcription

What dream is this
Real life hallucinations
Brain burst bursting
Entire universe of chaos 
Is it expansion or is it contraction?
Where was I in a different dimension?
What does it mean when the light reaches the edge?
Is there any more forward or is it  the very extent?
A light beam in every position of its existence at the same time
No forward or backwards
Just constance existence
The forever slithering for the vein of time through a particlewave of light going forward going backwards 
All the same?

Is there a more existence than this?
Lost the raging of my head 
Guess that’s a good thing 
Not always healthy to be a hurricane
But is the energy still there?
Is the energy transformed? 
Can I still call to my fingertips the power of the universe?
Or has it  left me: am I a shell and contraction?
Less when I always worried about being more
What is the future look like 
When you’re not sure even if you keep on going higher if you give a damn 
Always fighting through this existential lethargy
Always having to get stuck in my head
Always having to get these questions that don’t even need to have answers 
Being the things that ring a permeated sadness deep in my brain 
All I can do is try to let people know that there is a way to touch glee
I thought that the meaning of life was communication
Then I thought that the meaning of life was existence 
Now I wonder if there’s something different
I always believe that the most clever way of perceiving existence is just a hack
I disagree with the concept that the world is beyond us beyond our capacity
But instead it’s just thinking of what is the right metaphor

The entirety of the universe should be encapsulated in a single metaphor
But then as Einstein said, I have come to a door that I do not have a key 
What if there is no key? 
What if there is a metaphor and I’m just to inane to use it? 
What if the optimism of the youth, the capacity of doing everything, is just taken from me
Myself just like every other whose ever existed
Becoming nothing but potential that was there 
If I could have just used that opportunity a little bit better
It could all be different 

Where’s the correct altitude? 
Where’s the correct existence
Walking down the street? 
Muscles bounded to a mind saying forward 
But without direction 
Without purpose 
What is the control of the brain 
Where does that come from 
Why forward? 
Why not backwards? 
Why not upwards? 
Why not solve the metaphor? 
Why not solve the problem of existence? 
What is the purpose of the beating permutations of my heart? 
What is the reason for each and every synapse firing? 
Is it leading somewhere? 
Is there a single moment of bloom and decay? 
How has it happened? 
Headaches gone 
Was I in bloom is this out of bloom? 
Is there a forever potential of bloom? 
Is it not my most fundamental belief that potential exists in a quantum of every moment and that each and every second is something that we can optimize, and take to a level that has never been before 
That each and every second has the hope of the universe in it
And it’s just about how do we actually untangle our own human elements that block us from achieving the greatness in every moment 
Every moment nothing but a puzzle 
Every moment nothing but an enigma 
What is the machine that we use to unlock existence? 
And knowing that it’s just something simple,
It’s always the most simple 
It’s just Shanti Shanti Shanti. 
But can we do that in math, in physics? 
Is there a bridge that hasn’t been bridged?
And just the lost feeling of exhaustion 
As if I’m not the one to do it
Another jet, another rocket in the air, that fizzles
Unable to reach critical velocity
But close to critical mass 
Is that what we will say?
Close to critical mass, close to critical mass, close to critical mass 

Why is it always the dark terrors that enter a mind? 
Why is it always the dark terrors that enter our mind? 
The thoughts like every moment each and every person in the world is the oldest, most degraded they’ve ever been 
Every person you have ever met
Is either going to die before you or you die before them 
Why are these quiet things to say in a mind? 
Why are dreams about suffering poisoning
What is this entire render test of existence for? 
A cruel joke of evolution?
A seed with consciousness being told the travails of what it takes to reach in bloom without having to acknowledge the frailty of its chances 
What does it mean to be smart enough to realize that you are an astronomical insignificance?
The laws of physics are out of our time
Except, except, except
There is still the hope 
There has to be the constant rediscovery of hope
May the delusion of hope given at birth 
Not fade but be expanded
May we become more playful, not less
More in our mind 
More in our freedom
May every moment be a revelation 
May we be not degrading but transforming 
May we do the magic trick 
May our purpose be not to understand but to exist 
May I transform into the light that I dream about understanding 
May I be a light 
That others can follow 
May I not be the one who understands but may I be a critical spark that illuminates the darkest, so that the universe can follow 
May we refute in real time the fundamental laws of physics that we do not ourselves understand
May we be on the edge of reality
Once we get to that thin layer, may we walk through it 
Like it’s nothing 
Not even knowing that now we’ve discovered something new
May we just go through 
And climb into heaven 
May we not even have the knowledge to call it heaven 
May we not recognize God 
May God be someone that we play chess with, and get a beer with and together aspire to understand the next height of what is the holy mystery of the universe 

Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti
Thus goes quiet musings of my mind walking down the street alone in Kinshasa

Neither artist nor business man 
Neither alone or together 
Still holding my consistent view of the universe
Still hope in my heart, it’s probably as dark as it’s ever been
Still the lust for the universe 
Sitting on top of a mountain that I climb every day without knowing why 
Still a heart full of love and wanting to be shared 
Never wanting to hurt someone even though sometimes people get hurt 
Never wanting to fear anything, even if I’m often close to shaking,
Another other day going forward
The prayer in my mind that all things being equal 
May this be a day that counts