Author: Barrett

motherfuckingamie

you tear my brain apart

memory on top of memory

and always that feeling of what we could have been

to say I love you is a lie

though I do love you

angel closest to my heart

but what I say is I could have loved you

as a man loves a god

or worships a woman

you are worth loving

you are worth loving

devil angel

closest to my heart

I wish you weren’t the one who I’ve made you

phantom of my subconscious

temptress who no longer tempts

you are not for me

you are not for me

oh

love

how sadly unpoignant

these silly emotions

they fly through everyone

they mean nothing

because they are not special

a man loved a woman

and the woman disappears

what does one do with that emotion?

put it in a bottle

forget it

but

sometimes

rub the bottle

and pray, if futilely

for a genie

there is an emotion here

how strange

when I thought all the passion was forgotten

how absurd

when I know that this emotion

is nothing but a bother

something that I pray I never share with you

but angelest precious

girl of my dreams

who I don’t even love

I don’t even worship

I don’t even want

I just know you are the girl of my dreams

this eternal feeling of fantasy

never knowing if we are lost in a dream

or just never brave enough to truly wake up

never knowing how to make peace with life’s decay

like that bright flower fading and falling in Autumn

another start

not because it’s needed

not because it’s wanted

everything that is to be said

has already been said

again and again and again

yet, what can be done?

we are still here

still full of passion

still words spring to lips

emotions embodied in hearts

say the words again

say these same words again

not because they are needed

not because they are wanted

no

instead

they are simply the only words to be said

so say them again

while we are still here to hear them

finally reaching the end of torment

light shouting the dark tunnel is over

here, the deposed angel finally ascends

here, color is finally added to the starved palette

and, here, weeping at  a world that is too much to comprehend

there is only one desire left unquenched

for life to be less beautiful, less complex, less

less to make what you are more

less to make the world an easier ball to grab

less to be a bigger fish in a smaller pool

for the newly risen to fall below the clouds

to be in the darkness of the shadow of ignorance

wishing to ignore the wonders of reality

and praying for the simple serenity

of uncomplicated sleep

a monochromatic life

with a place for everything

and everything in its place

there has to be a right way to live life

there must be a right way to live life

there is a correct answer

there is a way to live a perfect life

to end this dream that encapsulates everything

this sleep that keeps us firmly away from heaven

slumbering in the drudgery of normal life

yes, please

yes, I pray

yes

and yes

and yes

say: there is a way

a way to make peace

a reason to be here

a reason for existence

a reason to wake up from this sleep

a way to acknowledge the dark truths in our eternal hearts

you exist, don’t you, must you, please?

oh

those weeping waves that buffet us at waking

the closest we come to shrieking consciousness

that waking scream of acknowledgement

buried so deep, but universally possessed

yes, balefully

yes,

yes

and yes

this life is nothing

sleeping through life to escape the specter of life

in all her meaningless splendor

sleep until we disappear

to never exist again

this is truth

this is what we repress and fly from

this is the reason for the lifetime dream

to never acknowledge the most obvious truth

this is nothing

this life is nothing

dust

sand

gas

star

we repress this

don’t we?

don’t we?

must we?

is there a real answer?

a yes or no to that baleful scream of humanity?

repress it

repress it

forget it

repress it

repress it

life or no life

all the same

degrading humanity’s greatest feats

to nothing but another grain of sand on the beach

or a galaxy in the sky

yes

it is all the same

repress it

repress it

yes

live in a dream

we were beautiful

maybe are beautiful

is that not something?

yes

but it is all the same

somewhere in-between

there is mulch on the ground

there is a blooming flower

and then there is honey

so sweet

all we are

all we are

all we are

lost again

asleep again

safely dreaming

the map led nowhere

we have come here before

can we just call this somewhere home?

even if it is not the answer to prayer?

try to make peace

dreams of rainbows clouded by reality

or clouds of dreams drowning reality’s rainbow

here is where we are

here is where we stand

and here is all we have

until we dream deeper

starting again

over and over again

this feeling of perpetuality

these revolutions are infinite

were we not just here?

another nowhere?

have we become complacent?

do we trust what we have,

simply because we’ve always had it?

or have found it in our hands?

living a life without seeing our own decay

living a life chasing our tail

until, one day

after those we have touched

those we have loved

are ash on yesterdays wind

after we look at ourselves

after we still see that potential we imbue

yet

the revolutions are not infinite

with or without ever waking from our dream

with or without truth

we will be dust on tomorrow’s breeze

a dream with no dreamer

two lovelies

two characters

hands ready to catch a stumble

eyes always bumping

that look of love

that vision of perfection

it needs to have no meaning

it is not the reality

it is not real

but let’s fantasize

let’s be fantasy

in another life this could be real

we could call this normal

even the potential is still there

tantalizing us

yes, this life would be wonderful

but is this what we want

thinking that if we take all this

wondrous, yes

yet

but

weighed against the endless joys

around that next unseen bend

how can we know,

that this is so perfect

another night of laughs

we can admit it, can’t we?

the times have been good

yes

yet

as we live them

we appreciate their inevitable demise

another dance coming quickly to conclusion

another journeys miles becoming finite

this present laughter

will soon join the chorus of laughter

of all those lives we’ve already lived

those chapters already ended

the past lives that were wondrous

yet those past lives, mournfully

they were not spent with each other

now

confronted by that ever  looming knowledge

the future lives we shall live

those future lives

full of different laughter

and different stories

that we will not spend with each other

mournfully

please

while we still orbit each other

may I take the time to tell you a truth

please

appreciate the endless wonders of infinite

their permutations swirling, so close

yes, yet, always invisible

vainly, we seek to touch the ethereal

to reassure ourselves that life is real

but what is real?

its absence of physical substance

it will raid your soul

it will leave you hollow

don’t let it

breathe the air

of an ever enchanted reality

of an ever holy life

of the endless wonders of infinite

angel darling

the one who isn’t for me

though in some other life

in a different deck of cards

where things aren’t so different

perhaps just one card off

yet the entire pick is deranged

is calling you angel darling

so  fantastic?

this idealized wish

it is so close, just out of reach of the real

maybe even plausibly possible

yet to make this specific dream real

it must come at the expense of the wonderful present

to have the things I dream about

it would mean to not have the things I have

this life of mine

it is perfect

why do we second guess

what could have been

is exactly that

an acceptance of possibilities past

a bus never caught

a man never loved

it is not what is

it is not what isn’t

it is what we make of it

the acknowledgement of our compromises

those pleasant fantasies of a Saturday afternoon

coupled with that very real walk

arm in arm

in some nearby dimension

to hell with the possible

to hell with the fantastical

all I want

is whatever that is given me

and the ability to appreciate it

to love it

to ignore those day dream fantasies

to ignore these real life delusions

my friend,

lend me your life!

fly to the sun

accomplish the impossible

attain every dream

please:

ignore Icarus,

that warning against greatness

that deity of the possible

it imbues fear

it breeds complacency

it makes us settle for the average

(that wretchedlovely average)

at the expense of the holy

fuck it

May the sun burn us

may our wings catch no more air

and lift us no closer to nirvana

may we plummet and perish

and with hope

may we be able to say

despite destruction

despite despair

despite Death

for a moment

we truly flew

we tried

we tried

and once we lose our fear

we can truly set about the hard work

of attaining that impossible nirvana

of finding what we thought was just a dream

our perfect lives

there is no secret

or at least, certainly,

the secret is not hidden

please

simply stop searching for beauty

those places you look

isolated pinpricks of light

in the majestic endless canvas of the sky

are only those spots

where you find those lush revelations

whose image you’ve already imagined the answer to

my question

my criticism

is

do those tangible things you search for

so long dreamed for

once found:

do they taste so different then your envisionment?

do they taste different then how your mind depicted them?

no, to me it is no

no

no

forsaken answer: no

the secret is

after many a wretched life wasted would regale

as soon as one comes to appreciate

ones endless periphery of vision

one comes to understand that life is endless

and endless wonders populate our infinites

look anywhere and see beauty

look somewhere you don’t expect beauty

and what you will see

i promise you

is that unexpected beauty

That I pray for you to appreciate

that sublime wonder

that every atom

and every star

teems with

now

we must applaud

that sublime starry equation

that work of art that we are

that work of art we are becoming

now

now separate

we must applaud

those endless perfections

of the true gods vision

life is about choice

life is about variables

to change one choice

to change one variable

is to change the hegemonic whole

to want a small thing different

is to want the whole different

such a thing is unfathomable

but this current day

it feels right

why change

a perfect present

finally,

endlessly,

may we truly chat

one on one

mano a mano

may I tell you what I think

and finally let myself

listen to that subtle spirit

living forever in my chest

that feel deep inside me

which will forever be associated with your name

i wish that spirit would talk inside me forever

i wish the impossible, sadly

instead

now

i will say

i will say to you

what beauties the world is full of

their overwhelming multitude

we are not prepared to understand

watch life everywhere

truly:  try,

but can one really see?

every ever blooming flower

so close

every flitting smile

on some young passing girl

whose lovely progenitor

never enters your mind.

we never understand

we do not understand any of this

we are swimming through the seas of life

just struggling to stay afloat

just struggling to do our very best

and know,

that while I do not know why

for awhile

while I was here,

with you

in that time that no longer exists

or is at least quickly fading

I did not care

we were together

we were the universe

and for a time

it was enough

life was alive

and to say we laughed

it may be enough

it may have to be enough

we will disappear

we may never see one another again

but we were

and to be

to truly be

is enough

I, hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, focused on the pain, the only thing that’s real

Nice legs, want to fuck

Be wild
Throw out convention
Be bad
Find a bed
Fall into wild love
Never leave
Make each other exist
By being one flesh
Chase the nightmares away
By being one flesh
It’s a nice fantasy isn’t it?
An empty feeling
Focused on the pain, the only thing that’s real
Numb
What was your name again?
Do you know my name?
Numb
An empty feeling

Nice eyes,

Can we fall into love
Peer into each others forever soul
Know each other
Be stronger for being together than seperate
I need you
And oh my god
Is it true? Maybe you need me?
Could we need each other?
Fight the vacancies of the world
Our fears
Our boredums
Can we be more?
Can we be more for being together?
Can we be in love?

It’s a nice fantasy isn’t it
Cannot lightning strike
Oh I know it will hurt
I know I am unready
But a lifetime of darkness for that brief moment of light
That brief moment of happiness
The allure that it can be forever
To be with those eyes forever
That uncomplicated love
Which our own weakness steals from ourselves
I hurt myself today
I hurt myself today

Girl with confidence,

Can you make me exist?
Can we talk and talk and talk
Tear the world apart with childish whimsy
Yes, let us be stronger for what we are together
Yes, let us be able to do anything
As a team
United
As we
We can do anything
Anything

It’s a nice fantasty, isn’t it
To find the missing piece
To not be so terrifically alone
Stare into the void
Stare into the void
And nothing stares back at you
The missing piece comes from ourselves
Myself
See if I still feel
Why should such things bother a man?
Put ourselves under the weight of chasing love
That ghost, that killer, that demon
That lie, that truth
Such heaviness, these grey hairs in my beard, these lines around my eyes
Self hatred
I hurt myself
I hurt others
Strange, that to prick yourself with a pin
Have a drop of blood
Others are devastated by your pain
Yet, if you hate yourself
And you smile
Others want to be you
A prayer for metamorphoses, for transformation
To shed our heaviness, our weight, our lead sould
To become the lightness of a butterfly
We should just be lightness
Levitate
Float high
Past ourselves
Care less
Be
And be
and be
Accept
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am
But I am trying to love myself
I am starting to believe
That maybe I am worth being loved

just a quick memory of this moment

stone sage and sailor

zipline in the backyard of that blue house

bright blue with red insides

video games and innocence

this isn’t the life dreamed of

but maybe it should be

a flash and a fade

a flash with a hint of fate

a flash and a fade

is that all that my life has been

all sparks

so much attempt at illumination

so much beauty seen in the shadows

all flash

and just a fade

it’s sunny

so it’s perfect

disappearing and forever

always disappearing and forever

always that prayer for something bigger

the quest towards the absolute

or the awe at those mysteries

what about something tangible

what about not worshiping the wall

or failing to break through it

instead there is just the quest for the quiet noble

to build it slowly

spend a life on it

brick by brick

and the finished product

whatever it is

will be yours

be better than yourself

trying to move forward

I don’t want to talk about love

there has to be a feeling above

that means morr than all this fluff

but life is beating me rough

maybe all this shit can get stuffed

another punch to the face

by a girl who thinks I’m a disgrace

and now look at me, I’m lowered

sitting bangin keys at the table

wanna pretend my life is a fable

wondering where my friends have gone

they treat me like I don’t belong

I guess the joke can be on them

cause I don’t really give a damn

even though my brain seems slammed

let  me say the word bliss

tomorrow is difficult

yesterday a memory

but right now, in all it’s imperfect decadence

it is ok

let us even say it is perfect

I am unsure of the future

I am unsure of the past

I am unsure of today

but let this today mean something

are we not happy

clouds or fog
heavens or the sky
just perception
alterable as rain becomes lovely
going from the dark storm
to that soft pitter patter
on the roof just before sleep

we have to go somewhere
there is an attempt to go somewhere
just don’t know where yet
don’t even know why
but it is a type of truth to try
and try we will
yet inevitably unsuccessful
trying vainly to speak that language of eyes
in a description of the colors of another spectrum
we will fail
and we will fail again
and again, and again
another futile raid on the inarticulate
another lovely attempt squandered
yet: the emotion does exist
I promise
it is everywhere
touchable, breathable
just never on my tongue
so let’s waste words and time
let’s take a look again, one more time
and see if we can describe
the indescribable

holloweyes everywhere
unblinking, where can we stare
and be stared back at
real recognition
a futile life’s quest
yet sadly alluring
all we have is miscommunication
the ununderstood foreign
sublimely,
like standing on a cliff
one has the choice to stare at hell
or to stare at the endless sky

yet

rapture becomes addictive
forever looking at rainbows
filled with bliss forever
never thinking
what other wonders
the endless sky is full of

yet

you have to realize a truth
not all truth, but one forceful wave
crossing through an endless sea
it is stated like this:
cast aside seconds
those boxes trapping perception
as one casts aside miles on a walk
or the word count when one speaks
think only of the journey
long or short not a meaningful variable.
with infinite as a measure
there is just forever
and what you make of it

so now make something
make me something
please
see me and love me
universally regard me as a someone
a someone to read about in books
a someone to see in the stars
yes please, really, gnash with that primordial egoism
it is in us all
all one should really want
perfection
and for all the others
the non us’s
with their stares biting into our souls
tearing into our serenity
ignorant of personal mental causality
judges without giving a chance
lacking the realization:
there has to be bravery
easy to look at the different as a liar, sinner
evil
truly
on knees a true god begs

children of men: Arise!
express the true revocation of fear
be strong enough!
to want to be outwardly perfect
yes

yet

you must cast temptation aside
you must embrace chants of sinner
may the hurled stones strike flesh
it’s all nothing
to be yourself
to be true to yourself
to attain inner perfection
to live with honesty
yet, devastatingly
with honesty comes epiphany
we`re all chanters

lost in a mob
singing singing
desiring what everyone desires
but time sees us all the same
waiting to grind us down
run through the mill of endless routine
at great cost trying to maintain perpetual motion
forever in that abstract direction FORWARD
there is another way
there has to be another way
Life for the livers must exist
lie or truth: no difference
there can still (must) be magic
there is still love in the world
atom to tree to moon to constellation
change the course
fuck forward
look for the promised fruits of an afterlife
in a re-enchanted reality
where every prayer for beauty
is answered with a blink of the eye

so heart
yes my heart
my mirror, my special mirror
the window through which I see what I’m not
as entropy carries us into chaos
and marriage as likely as universal absence
I beg you
touch what it is to live
to live a life that tears realities fallacies to pieces
pray in the temple of your consciousness
pray like this:
I will not suffer under the pursuit of happiness
benevolent temptress: I renounce
yes
I will leave perfect happiness as a fallacy
like perfectlove and perfectart
I will chase nirvana
and when she finally deigns to see me
insignificant little me
I will let her in
jesus allah Buddha nature
she is all the same
and heavenly
she will satisfy
I exist
I exist
I exist