Fading (poetry)

Poetry as a form of rage
Poetry as a form of madness
My fingers in these keys
Thought I had forgotten
But what if this is what forgetting feels like
Empty mind
Wasted breaths
I used to have more fun being me
What is next
What is next
What is next
Types of fear
Types of madness
Don’t join my sadness
Why is there the need
Be yourself
It would be unfair
But it can be a north star
A way I can be safe too
Let me push you over the wall
The wall of my own ineptitude
The wall of my shortness
Push over
You find the sun
Find the sun
Find the sun
Haha, maybe I take a light touch of your bum
I do have to push you, you know?
But, I’m about to disappear
Screams of humanity
Walls crashing down
Fuck it all
And fuck me too, that’s fine
I knew forever I would disappear,
So, fade away
Dream away
Fuck the world away
I am looking forward to being a tree again
Or a molecule of gas in a vacuum
Float, drift away
The problem was that I hoped I would exist more than this
I had a strong assumption
That this would be the life where I matter
Prayer to you

Closer (poetry)

Flowing down towards somewhere
Always in motion
No standing still
A fear that all this is
It’s just orbit
Fighting gravity
The feeling of infinite
To find out it’s just an ellipsis
Forever circling the sun
No closer to the light
No farther to the dark

Atrophied, a statue
When do I cry?
So strong so strong
What a lie
Frozen in ice, cold in a warm world
No fire in my heart
Don’t confuse paralysis with bravery
Praying to be the sun
Lost on the dark side of the moon

The words don’t lead anywhere
A trail of bread crumbs
Why would anyone bring them here?
Is this the point?
Is this the goal?
Madness or genius,
Or worse, just lazy
A gratuitous excuse
Fingers pecking
Looking for the hand of god
To help write a prayer
And what if there is no god here
What if god has left?

Can you feel my confusion?
Can you feel my confusion?
Always lost
Maybe lost is okay
How can you ever find
If you first don’t know
Lost as a form of being found
Confusion as a form of madness
And madness as a form of love

I was gone
I thought it was done
But there is still some form of energy
Still a feeling of what is being said
Isn’t what I am trying to say
The window is dirty
And there are shadows on the other side
But what do they mean?

Alice, do we go down the rabbit hole together?
No fear here, just a following of the rhythm
Never been able to dance
But there is a rhythm to life
Electricity floating through the air
Be honest and find yourself levitating
Adam and Eve
Were never in the garden
The garden was in them
So close, to my most secret mind
Yet here it is, so close
With the wall the highest
Into the heavens
Do I even have the key?
Is there even a door?
A little farther
Just a little farther
Just a little farther
Truth just an asymptote away
Reach my hand and stroke it
Or will it be sucked into the abyss
The entire universe slowly
Being sucked into a black hole
The fuel for the next universe
All of this to happen again, and again, and again
Do we get any closer?
Is this specific infinite
That brings me as far
As I’ll ever go

Why don’t I just fucking say it?
Most people just would
Take data points
Body language
Word of mouth
The easiest words to say
The oldest words to say
Its simplicity which makes it oh so pretty
The oldest lie to say
A fucking simplification
If man has one hundred words for the shades of green
How dare love be a single word
A lie to obfuscate so much reality
Into a farce, a simplification
To make the madness seem normal
And make all us confused souls
Think there is a roadmap
The paradigm is broken
Still unshifted
Lost in my head
Lost in my loneliness
Knowing that man can never go faster
Than the speed of light
But knowing the only way I’m happy
Is if the impossible rules
Are the ones that are broken

fallin (poetry)

At the forgetting of the moment
At the loss of the path
Praying for a tomorrow
Like today, but not today
Like yesterday, but not yesterday
The memory of a simple flower
A smell that you have forgotten
Until that time it rises again
Bloomed flowers
Faded and decayed
Memory lost
Memory never really had
We the lost ones
What is the right drug
What is the right sadness
In a crowded room
With a smile on your face
Where have all the dreams gone
Well run dry
Was the well ever full
Was it just an illusion
A dream
A fallacy
What do we pray for
Why do we pray for
Into your mind
Away from your heart
There was something that was supposed to be here
A dream we were supposed to have
Has the world become more sepia
Or is today just a dusty day
Let us not bother anyone
Let us not bother anyone
Be a good person
That is maybe the only truth
The only truth worth chasing
But it is not the way the world is
I see you
Can you see me
I’m sorry
Sorry for the darkness
Did, did, did, I hurt you
Or is it worse
Did all my grandeur do nothing
But irritate you
Wasn’t there SUPPOSED
To be something more than this
Dream bigger
Dream again
Where are my dreams
Where is the rising of the light
Retrogade: again, I am here
Was there any advancement?
Is there a purpose, to having been here before
Or will the same mistakes just happen again
Feedback loop
Feedback loop
Is this it
Gone through a complete orbit
Knowing that the future
Will be on the same ellipsis
Be better
Be better
Be better
Be more of less things
Be less of more things
Wake up in the morning
Sun already risen
The soft morning light, gone
Of course there is regret
But the logic has become atrophied
The same defences that proved inadequate
Are today again being used to protect the castle
The walls will not hold
The breach will happen again, again, again
Exactly where we knew it would come
Life nothing but the act of living
Death nothing but reincarnation
The next time I’m a flower
Will I still be a doomed flower
Searching for light and water and a fair piece of ground
Did it all prove to be so
Fucking meaningless
Was it decided
That life was just this
Nothing more
Nothing less

Trying to dream (poetry)

Let me leech this anger
Where did it come from
Cloudy day in my head
Cloudy day cloudy day
You all go away
Nobody is asking for clouds
I want I want it to be a good day
Why am I cursed with a bad day
Look left look left
There are blue skies over there
Why can’t I look
Why do I look at the darkness
Who wants the darkness
Wake up
Motherfucking left
It is so close
At myself
Too weak to be happy
Too weak to be happy
Too weak to be sane
This aint aint aint
Aint what
Come on big man
Name something by it’s name
So what is it?
So happy to bitch, yo?
Make you feel better, better?
Is this who you dreamed of being?
Do you even dream
Everyone talks about dreams
But what if you don’t dream
What if you don’t love
Don’t want touch
Oh, why not dream?
Why don’t you love?
Why not feel a touch
Look right
The darkness
The darkness
Each splash of light like a lighting bolt
Waiting for the aftershock
The shockwave
Ouch ouch
Pains we make for ourselves
Eyes that don’t dilate quickly enough
Hearts that don’t touch
Voices too close to screams
The wild man
It aint aint aint me
Can’t we escape ourselves?
Whoever said we’re trapped in our heads
Why just this head
Why just this head
Why not another head
Is it narcissism
To think that this pain must be just just for me
Is it narcissism
To think I have the pleasure
Of losing my mind
Lemme lemme
Lemme lose it
Whosever said
That this be’s what we wantse it to be
I read about heaven
But all that gold
it sounds so cold
Sure hell might be hot
But isn’t there another way?
Whysa whysa
Couldn’t we think of something better
Better than heaven
Who dreams about heaven
What a boring dream
Why’d we
Divide ourselves
I like the sinners
Shouldn’t we forgive them
If I’m a sinner
I’m sorry
Sorry sorry
Never meant to hurt nobodys
Dream die
I aint I aint
I’m sorry sorry
Get out of my head
I didn’t invite myself in
How the hell did you get here
Let’s just get closer to disappearing
Farther away from love
What is love
What is love
Could I ever write a love poem
Is that in my id?
Should I just hold more love in my heart?
Or less
Scream into my mind
All the answers I can’t answer
You’re here
You’re here
What’s it like
To be here in my mind
Any questions?
I’m not there yet?
Will maybe be closer in a dream
But then I don’t dream?
What’s a dream like
What’s a dream like

A Type of Mind (poetry)

Falling into a type of mind
Falling into a type of mind
Is this the final version of myself?
Could I be more than this?
Could I be less?
Dreamt bigger
But, then, I never imagined
That jasmine could smell so sweet
Or that I would enjoy the grey in my beard
Sweet songs keep coming up
That I never expected
What if I could be more
What if I could be more
And I am saying no
I am not ready to stare into the void
I want to stare into the blue blue sky
I want to feel love and give love
I thought it was my purpose
To re-enchant reality
What if my purpose
Is to live in an already enchanted reality
Life is beautiful
Yes, probably meaningless
Yes, meaningless
But oh so pretty
Oh so pretty
This could be enough
There could be more
But this could be enough

Existential Orangutans (poetry)

Oh I wake up
And look at the sky
Never knowing up down
Is this heavan inside
Catch me at the back
Never really knew
Never really lost
And And And
Can’t we leave this place
Never really wanted this
Can’t we try something new
A prayer answered
A prayer never asked
Here we are
Here we aren’t
And And And
Prayers always answered
Never knowing what to pray for
Never Knowing never knowing
And I look up
And a hint of a smile
It aint okay
But fuck it
Let’s do it anyway
Live bright
Live strong
Fuck right
Fuck wrong
Stare me in the eyes
You can call me a demon
You can hate me
But I aint I aint I aint
The motherfucking devil
I aint I aint I aint
Nothing but a me
And I have love in my heart
I have peace buried somewhere
Do you hate me for looking?
It is the only thing I know how to do
The only thing I can try

The same thing again
Maybe just a different way to tell it
Cus the first time
Didn’t even make sense to me
Can’t we be together
Not in anything but shared humanity
Yeah, that line is shit
I pray for you, you know
You’re there
Does that mean anything?
Love is the deselection of others that you don’t love
Only important because of its exclusivity
I love you
Like I love everyone
Does that make it mean nothing?

Angels walkin around
Primus in hand
Eyes lost in thought
Magic so close
Can we tear through this reality
Be together
Be together
Magic left my hands
Stare down at them
Grizzled, who is this boy
And And And
Rage at the hope
That things can get better
That there is a light in the dark
And we are searching
And we are lost
And we are searching
And we are lost
And And And
Want to go hand in hand
Into the void
Reality was so fucking boring anyway
Let’s choose to exist
Critical mass
Pray pray pray
And and and
There is hope
We may have to go alone
Life is alone, I know I know
Forgive yourself if you chose happiness
That is not a route that everyone can take
There is nothing but but but
There is nothing but but but
Stare into the mirror
And have the void stare back at you

Lets try this again
Another type of darkness
Always a type of darkness
Pray again we go away fade away fade away
Types of prayer
Types of ghosts
Where did all of my friends go
Sitting sitting daydreaming day singing
Alone always alone
Beer next to my foot
People I care about close
Always alone
A world that is not such a bad place
Always alone
Can’t the alone ness be for something
Who gets to hear my music
Pray pray
Gray gray
I have a mind full of love
I promise you
If I could just paint sing scream
There is so much up in here
That I want to share share
There is so much in here
Fuck it

One more time
Fuck it
Let’s dive in
Where the fuck were we going again?
Oh, yeah
Do you see the darkness too?
Is it up there
Do you like it
I love it
I love it because the absence of light
Reminds me of what the rays of sunshine
Feel like on a warm Saturday
I love it
I love it dark
Because that is only where the real answers are
Why be curious about what is known
About easy smiles
Let me tear motherfucking reality apart
Let me tear motherfucking reality apart
and understand and understand
Stare through reality
Oh so so so afraid
Think myself into non-existense
Decay denial rage fly sadness sadness
Rage through
Fly through
Pray through
Let’s make
A conga line through hell
And say that it is heaven
Who knows what is right or wrong
I’m looking forward to meeting god
And sharing a conversation on our flaws
I’m looking forward to meeting god
And having him break down
We’re all searching
All searching
All searching
A ripple in a lake
A tear a tear
I judge god
But he has my permission
To judge me right back
And I’m sure if we ever meet each other
He is the first person I will ever hug
Where it feels natural
Both of us having forgotten
All of us having forgotten
For a moment
That we are magic

Oh one more time
Just because there is still love in the air
Magic magic
And when it disappears it’s gone
So let’s capture it while it’s here
Glory glory
Learning learning
Learning to love yourself
Learning to stare into other peoples hate
And give a middle finger and a smile and an apology
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t be anyone except myself
Any more
Any more any more
And and and
Can I help you?
Are you yourself
Is this who you really are?
Don’t you want to come with me
Into the dark the dark
See the hint of a moon and howl
I be an an an animal searching
But I’m the real searching the dream searching
Let’s go
Leave your comfort
The going is tough
A lot of good soldiers
Lost on the way
But let’s not fuck around
This is life
And what we’re talking about
Let’s not fuck around
Is nirvana
And is there any purpose in life
To doing anything other than searching
Searching for the meaning of life
I was a man
Then I was a tree
I am a ray of light
Particle wave
Fucked up
More lost than I’ve ever been
Pray higher
Pray lower
Drive the car fast
Life only exists
When you’re at the point
Of losing control
Drive fast
Drive faster
Shut your eyes
This reality will fade away
What is will be what was
And who we are is just
No purpose
Except the purpose we give ourselves
We must be our own light
Our own sun
Our own source of gravity
There is nothing except for who we are
Eyes open
Eyes open
Never stare away
Over flawed
Over awed
In awe
For a moment
Until we get back to the hard
And very real work
Of climbing Again
The horizon plane always there
And I don’t know if we get closer or farther or the same
But I know my purpose
I know my purpose
I know my purpose

Accepting (poetry)

Time to catch the train
Catch the train
Is it still here
The idea was beautiful,
If I could just say it as it was
As it flew through my mind
The meaning of life in a ray of sunshine
Has it slipped have I tripped

Never meant to hurt
Never meant to hurt anyone
Never meant to hurt you
Never meant to hurt me
But sorry doesn’t take the hurt away
Does it?
Does it?

Screaming and raging
Blood in my eyes
Throw a fucking chair
Right at my friends car
Rage Rage
Why why
What does it mean that I don’t know?
That maybe I’m just broken
Short circuit
Lightning bolt bridging negative to positive
Rage rage
A moment when I wasn’t me
A moment when I was the real me
Is the fucked up me the real me?
Or am I always the fucked up guy
Animal in my mind
And I can’t I can’t I can’t

Take away the pain take away the pain shake away the grey take away take it away away away away

I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt any of you
I never meant to
It might not seem like it, but I had good intentions
Even if maybe I have a lot ego
And a lot of arrogance
And a lot of fakeness
The real me isn’t the real me
The real me is behind this mask
I don’t even show it to myself
It’s a lonely place
Safe safe
Safe safe
Hide from the sun
It’s rays are too hot too hot
Let me hide in my little kingdom
A nice place to be
Good toys on the ground
Managing the easy task
Of optimizing the world around me
Instead of the dread task
Of working to optimize myself
Looking at every part of this broken machine
I call my head
Where did this tremor come from
Can’t make eye contact
Stare into the grey the grey
Be the grey the grey
Pinch myself hit myself on the side of the head
Get out of my head out of my head out of my out out
How can you fear the outside when the inside is just
Series of razor blades
Slowly rotating
Look away look away
Be away be away
Drink it away
Smoke it away
Pray it away
Pray it away pray it away

It is also the only part of me that I really love
The part of me that lays seeds
And some of the seeds only bear the fruit of thorns
I am a person who can hurt others, and not know why
But but but
Some of the seeds can grow into trees
Suck up the good and the bad of the world
To create a fruit that will reshape the world
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
Which seed is which
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
If it is right to ever lay a bad seed
And should I stop laying the good seeds?
Self medicate or seek help
Some person who puts my mind into an agenda item on gcal
Thinks they know me, when I don’t even know myself
What does help look like?
What does asking for for help like?
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
And we all fall down
Fall to the left
To the right
A spinning top
Out of control
Capturing the majesty of an unseeable and unknoweable force
Gravity centrifuge light dynamics momentum momentum
And all that force
Chaos force in a fractal deterioration
The theory would seem like a madness from a distance
The entire universe by theory is exploding apart
Can’t it be
That there can be some type of gravity
Some type of theory of everything
That instead of all this mass working to explode
The chaos breeds order
The fragments of my mind get brought together
All this pain will have led somewhere
To a new way to be
A new way to see

Self doubting again
Again, and again, and again
Staring into the mirror
And the void stares back at me
But it’s just a switch
Right at the back of my mind
Turn on the lights, turn on the lights
It is always a choice
Nothing but perception
The easiest, easiest, hardest thing in the world
I forgot
I forgot, for a moment there, that I am magic
I don’t have all the magic
But I have enough
Just enough
Just enough

Drafts From A Bar (poetry)

Remind yourself of what you hate
And do not do it
Do what you love
And if you believe in it
Then let all the world hate you
But do what you love
And what if you hate yourself
Locked in to the honest path of darkness
While everyone else has a path of light
Then I tell you look in the shadows
For those demons you are most afraid of
Are those with the greatest love

Flee myself to free myself

And for awhile there
I forgot that I am supposed to be by myself
Lost is the dream
Of the love in the world around me
Silly Nash
You always knew that wasn’t for you
I hope it was a pleasant dream

Lost again
Flawed again
Lost again
Flawed again
La la state of mind
Circling winding
Dreams of flying
Lost again
Flawed again

Loathe yourself
Butterflies in your stomach
Depression in your eyes
Madness in your mind
But did you believe in it
Did you believe in it?

If you’re sick of being alone
I’m there

Dream Again (poetry)

Defining through my own type of madness
Feet failing me
Body buckling
Every moment gravity weigh weigh weighing
Every moment, knowing it is not the moment
Looking into the darkness
And praying to see light
Praying to see a way forward

Dancing in a circle
Hand in hand
Smiles on faces
Do memories like that happen again
There are so few chances in life
To be alive
Why couldn’t you know
That this moment
This moment right now
Might be the happiest of your life
Never to return

In the waking time
In the lost time
Sniffing the air
Hoping to smell it sweet
How am I How am I How am I
So flawed
How am I How am I How am I
Not the person I want to be
To know to know
The right way forward
And feet failing me
Brain failing me
Failing myself
Falling into myself
Falling down

In that space again
The dark space
Chest tight
Eyes open
Can’t I BE better
Can’t I be more perfect?
Less flawed
Less me
Stare into the mirror
And the void stares back at you

Medicated again
In control
Not thinking,
Or, not thinking about thinking
Brain free
Dancing, living, flying
Tomorrow can go fuck itself
Dying Killing Ruining
But no pain right now
No pain no pain no gain no pain no pain
Don’t got anything on my mind
Not even my mind
Free free be be free free be be
Fly die high cry sigh lie fry fry
Let it let it let it let it letitletitletit
And we all fall down

Can’t we do it all over again
I would
I would
I would do it differently
I would be different
I wouldn’t be myself
Out of my head
I would be a different head
Sacrifice my magic
And the weight weight pain
Sacrifice my magic
Sacrifice my magic
Sacrifice my
Sacrifice my
And we all fall down

Anonymous in the streets
All these ghosts whispering past me
Brains screeching in their heads
Is this what everyone is like
Is this how everyone feels
The scream of my mind
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Give me a helmet, yeah!
Shut up
Shut up
How are we all standing so high
All this gravity
All this weight
How are we how are we
Why are we
Why are we
Punch myself
Wake the fuck up
More less, less more
Up down, scream, bleed
Free me
Free me
Bleed me
Free me

Do do do do
Do you feel like this
Can’t I ask you
Am I the only
The only one
Am I the only one who has these thorns
Digging into my thoughts
Hate me hate me look down on me shit on me hate me the the the the the the the the the
Let me escape my mind
Let me escape the mirror
Punch it hurt it fight it bleed it scream at it
Hate it hate it
Fly it fly fry
Can’t we can’t I can’t can’t
Do you feel like this is this what you feel like are you feeling alone can I be there for you doesn’t everyone need someone there can’t we we we be be can’t we just say yeah yeah yeah
I love you because you are worth loving
You shouldn’t hate yourself
Don’t cut yourself
Let me take those hands
And hold them
And look look look look
In your big old eyes, seeing that fear
Reflected in both our eyes
Let’s fight the world together
I won’t be alone with you
You’ll never be alone with me
We are not separate
We are not one
We are the answer to each other’s question
The ying to yang
The sun to moon
A dream a dream
That when I wake
And I see the others the others who live the dream
Dancing gracefully
Hands that gently touch
Hugs that look comfortable
Let me glide through my ice
Strong strong
What could break through my fortress
When I have spent my entire life
Breaking myself
No purpose on stepping on a broken glass
You’ll just cut your feet

Dream again
Walk out again
Smile again
Do you see my darkness
Let me flee the darkness
My complaints and sadness and and and
Let me flee my darkness
Self made prison
My defenses atrophied
The easiest chains to break
Flee myself
To become myself
Not look at those who I wish I could be
But keep climbing
Keep praying to see the sunlight
Pretend my chains are wings
And I will fly
I will fly
Free from me
And then find the sun

Time Out (poetry)

Cancel the beauty
Stare in the sky
See nothing worth remembering
Lost in the silence
Lost in my mind
I don’t know if this is the best me
How can it be that the sands of time run so fast
That when I used to dream
I would dream so big
And now
And now
It is not just dreaming small
It is the lack of a dream
A lack of the capacity to dream
It’s gone, lost fluttered
Life is not a nightmare
It has its type of beauty
I breathe the air
And can taste former blue days
When the sky was bigger than god
And god was in my soul
Those days are rarer, but still flutter by
Every now and again
I still have the sand going through my hands
It is time to start dreaming again
It is time to start dreaming again
It is time to start dreaming again
While there are still dreams left to dream