still forward (poetry)

Deja vu again
Is it here again
Can I hear it again
Will I lose it again
Where has it gone
slipping through my fingers
The infinites go backwards
Can I remember
Was it there
Was it fresh
Was it the same
Where has it gone?

ta da ta da ta da ta da
the empty wasteland
listening to the song bird
sing sweet sing nothing
time pushing into the future
still into the future
always into the future
still not sure for why
still floating to float
staring ahead
all those lost thoughts lost
burning the circuits of my brain
will the highs come again
what is this addiction?
tell me life is magical
hold me like a child
I am so cold and want to be warm
I never asked for this what is given to me
all I want is the comfort of faith
to know to know
empty heart
bleached mind
cold cold
cold cold
the only burning I have
the fire with no heat
rage in stasis
lightning flashes
in an uncontrolled where
force it
understand it
over the hill, old man
but who am I to judge infinite
we revel and revolve
the times that were past
they come again
in some manifestation
still dreaming
just not sure where they come from
is all of this worth something
our purpose our purpose
I’m trying to dream
I’m trying to build
Looking for shoulders to stand on
Just stand alone
frail and fucked
weak and stupid
blessed and unblessed
standing just to stand
was this who I was destined to be?
or fuck destiny
in a quantum world
who knows where the story goes
let me ride my roller coaster
it isn’t over yet
maybe soon
maybe never
but for today, there is just today
just today
just today
ride ride ride
fly glide
burn burn
can I fly can I fly

this feels over
but the energy still remains
it could be a new writing
but then I’m not sure
what the words that come out of my fingers
are going to look like

in a new place
different than the old place
always moving forward
revolution normalized
the drugs don’t work
but all these things
they must be linked togethor
otherwise why have I lived it
what is the common thread
why did I hear all those stories
sirens out the window
a rainy day
fear in the air
fear in my heart
am I good enough
is this too much
is this the new normal
the rock I break on
but haven’t I been trying to break myself for a lifetime
I have never won
but have never broken
let one or the other happen
equal and opposite reaction
will my breaking be my winning
or my winning my breaking
forward forward
may the wave not breach
until we are ready to come into shore
purpose in everything
purpose in everything
purpose in everything
I don’t know my purpose
but I know purpose is the aether
I don’t know if it is my purpose to know my purpose
but if I am brave enough
and if I am strong enough
I will live my purpose
I will live my purpose

just caught in a moment in time
this moment
sunday afternoon in the rain
the apartment is fine
the atmosphere is the other
old pizza for my lunch at 6:00pm
glass of wine
moving forward
moving forward
every second every second moving forward
face getting old
grey hairs
I was a child I was a child
that was my moment
this is my moment now
the past did exist
the future doesn’t but will
will it always be one dimensional direction
is memory time travel
what is the first sunny day that comes to mind
a brief heat in Texas
or was that a photograph
or have I combined the two
I know there was a smell
a smell I could recognize today
it would make me breathe deep
like being on the ferry to Nanaimo after years away
and the cold cold cold ocean keeping the spray down and the wind up
and it cut me cut me and oh it cut me
ca va ca va ca va

still going onwards
still going onwards
still going onwards
still going onwards
hold your nerve hold your nerve hold your nerve hold your nerve
don’t think of what could have been
the fact you are is it’s own revelation
anything can happen and will happen
in it’s own time
in it’s own dimension
exist here and now
and let’s be dropped into this moment
this random moment
out of all the moments
and from here here
where I never expected to be
didn’t know to dream about
or to fear
from this very spot
may I do my best
may I be my best
may I be true to myself
here, or anywhere
and if that is all I have
than even if it is not enough
may I be my best
may I be truth
may I be true
this moment