This Big Grin (poetry)

And into and into and into
And into and into and into
A type of darkness
The world swells how
Where is it where is it
It was here here
Where has it gone

Someone praying
To become better
To flee weakness
To become better
To flee ourselves
What if this weakness
Is all that we are

Into the middle way
The middle years
The lost years
Was the magic in my mind gone gone?
Where has the magic gone
Was it ever really there?
Couldn’t I have done more than this?
Didn’t I used to dream bigger than this?

Do you remember walking through the field
That little bridge, I thought maybe we’d fall
The grass so green
We’d never been there before
I haven’t been since
I didn’t want to hold your hand
But I did want to love you
In my own way, the walled way
How can that have been so long ago
Where here I can feel it
Fall into the conversation
I remember stepping on the bridge and turning around
This big grin
Grabbing your hand
I did hold your hand
And take you over

Do you remember being in line together?
I was so arrogant, and then humbled
The things that I am good at nobody cared
And in my weakness
It is the only time anyone has loved me

Lost lost lost
Never found
Passing, like tree rings.
Starting at birth in the center
Then delicately going farther from birth
Every day growing
But seeing the tortured oblivion of the edge
Time as a one way master
Does it have to be this way?

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