Existential Orangutans (poetry)

Oh I wake up
And look at the sky
Never knowing up down
Is this heavan inside
Catch me at the back
Never really knew
Never really lost
And And And
Can’t we leave this place
Never really wanted this
Can’t we try something new
A prayer answered
A prayer never asked
Here we are
Here we aren’t
And And And
Prayers always answered
Never knowing what to pray for
Never Knowing never knowing
And I look up
And a hint of a smile
It aint okay
But fuck it
Let’s do it anyway
Live bright
Live strong
Fuck right
Fuck wrong
Stare me in the eyes
You can call me a demon
You can hate me
But I aint I aint I aint
The motherfucking devil
I aint I aint I aint
Nothing but a me
And I have love in my heart
I have peace buried somewhere
Do you hate me for looking?
It is the only thing I know how to do
The only thing I can try

The same thing again
Maybe just a different way to tell it
Cus the first time
Didn’t even make sense to me
Can’t we be together
Not in anything but shared humanity
Yeah, that line is shit
I pray for you, you know
You’re there
Does that mean anything?
Love is the deselection of others that you don’t love
Only important because of its exclusivity
I love you
Like I love everyone
Does that make it mean nothing?

Angels walkin around
Primus in hand
Eyes lost in thought
Magic so close
Can we tear through this reality
Be together
Be together
Magic left my hands
Stare down at them
Grizzled, who is this boy
And And And
Rage at the hope
That things can get better
That there is a light in the dark
And we are searching
And we are lost
And we are searching
And we are lost
And And And
Want to go hand in hand
Into the void
Reality was so fucking boring anyway
Let’s choose to exist
Critical mass
Pray pray pray
And and and
There is hope
We may have to go alone
Life is alone, I know I know
Forgive yourself if you chose happiness
That is not a route that everyone can take
There is nothing but but but
There is nothing but but but
Stare into the mirror
And have the void stare back at you

Lets try this again
Another type of darkness
Always a type of darkness
Pray again we go away fade away fade away
Types of prayer
Types of ghosts
Where did all of my friends go
Sitting sitting daydreaming day singing
Alone always alone
Beer next to my foot
People I care about close
Always alone
A world that is not such a bad place
Always alone
Can’t the alone ness be for something
Who gets to hear my music
Pray pray
Gray gray
I have a mind full of love
I promise you
If I could just paint sing scream
There is so much up in here
That I want to share share
There is so much in here
Fuck it

One more time
Fuck it
Let’s dive in
Where the fuck were we going again?
Oh, yeah
Do you see the darkness too?
Is it up there
Do you like it
I love it
I love it because the absence of light
Reminds me of what the rays of sunshine
Feel like on a warm Saturday
I love it
I love it dark
Because that is only where the real answers are
Why be curious about what is known
About easy smiles
Let me tear motherfucking reality apart
Let me tear motherfucking reality apart
and understand and understand
Stare through reality
Oh so so so afraid
Think myself into non-existense
Decay denial rage fly sadness sadness
Rage through
Fly through
Pray through
Let’s make
A conga line through hell
And say that it is heaven
Who knows what is right or wrong
I’m looking forward to meeting god
And sharing a conversation on our flaws
I’m looking forward to meeting god
And having him break down
We’re all searching
All searching
All searching
A ripple in a lake
A tear a tear
I judge god
But he has my permission
To judge me right back
And I’m sure if we ever meet each other
He is the first person I will ever hug
Where it feels natural
Both of us having forgotten
All of us having forgotten
For a moment
That we are magic

Oh one more time
Just because there is still love in the air
Magic magic
And when it disappears it’s gone
So let’s capture it while it’s here
Glory glory
Learning learning
Learning to love yourself
Learning to stare into other peoples hate
And give a middle finger and a smile and an apology
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t hate myself any more
I won’t be anyone except myself
Any more
Any more any more
And and and
Can I help you?
Are you yourself
Is this who you really are?
Don’t you want to come with me
Into the dark the dark
See the hint of a moon and howl
I be an an an animal searching
But I’m the real searching the dream searching
Let’s go
Leave your comfort
The going is tough
A lot of good soldiers
Lost on the way
But let’s not fuck around
This is life
And what we’re talking about
Let’s not fuck around
Is nirvana
And is there any purpose in life
To doing anything other than searching
Searching for the meaning of life
I was a man
Then I was a tree
I am a ray of light
Particle wave
Fucked up
More lost than I’ve ever been
Pray higher
Pray lower
Drive the car fast
Life only exists
When you’re at the point
Of losing control
Drive fast
Drive faster
Shut your eyes
This reality will fade away
What is will be what was
And who we are is just
No purpose
Except the purpose we give ourselves
We must be our own light
Our own sun
Our own source of gravity
There is nothing except for who we are
Eyes open
Eyes open
Never stare away
Over flawed
Over awed
In awe
For a moment
Until we get back to the hard
And very real work
Of climbing Again
The horizon plane always there
And I don’t know if we get closer or farther or the same
But I know my purpose
I know my purpose
I know my purpose

Accepting (poetry)

Time to catch the train
Catch the train
Is it still here
The idea was beautiful,
If I could just say it as it was
As it flew through my mind
The meaning of life in a ray of sunshine
Has it slipped have I tripped

Never meant to hurt
Never meant to hurt anyone
Never meant to hurt you
Never meant to hurt me
But sorry doesn’t take the hurt away
Does it?
Does it?

Screaming and raging
Blood in my eyes
Throw a fucking chair
Right at my friends car
Rage Rage
Why why
What does it mean that I don’t know?
That maybe I’m just broken
Short circuit
Lightning bolt bridging negative to positive
Rage rage
A moment when I wasn’t me
A moment when I was the real me
Is the fucked up me the real me?
Or am I always the fucked up guy
Animal in my mind
And I can’t I can’t I can’t

Take away the pain take away the pain shake away the grey take away take it away away away away

I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt any of you
I never meant to
It might not seem like it, but I had good intentions
Even if maybe I have a lot ego
And a lot of arrogance
And a lot of fakeness
The real me isn’t the real me
The real me is behind this mask
I don’t even show it to myself
It’s a lonely place
Safe safe
Safe safe
Hide from the sun
It’s rays are too hot too hot
Let me hide in my little kingdom
A nice place to be
Good toys on the ground
Managing the easy task
Of optimizing the world around me
Instead of the dread task
Of working to optimize myself
Looking at every part of this broken machine
I call my head
Where did this tremor come from
Can’t make eye contact
Stare into the grey the grey
Be the grey the grey
Pinch myself hit myself on the side of the head
Get out of my head out of my head out of my out out
How can you fear the outside when the inside is just
Series of razor blades
Slowly rotating
Look away look away
Be away be away
Drink it away
Smoke it away
Pray it away
Pray it away pray it away

It is also the only part of me that I really love
The part of me that lays seeds
And some of the seeds only bear the fruit of thorns
I am a person who can hurt others, and not know why
But but but
Some of the seeds can grow into trees
Suck up the good and the bad of the world
To create a fruit that will reshape the world
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
Which seed is which
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
If it is right to ever lay a bad seed
And should I stop laying the good seeds?
Self medicate or seek help
Some person who puts my mind into an agenda item on gcal
Thinks they know me, when I don’t even know myself
What does help look like?
What does asking for for help like?
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
And we all fall down
Fall to the left
To the right
A spinning top
Out of control
Capturing the majesty of an unseeable and unknoweable force
Gravity centrifuge light dynamics momentum momentum
And all that force
Chaos force in a fractal deterioration
The theory would seem like a madness from a distance
The entire universe by theory is exploding apart
Can’t it be
That there can be some type of gravity
Some type of theory of everything
That instead of all this mass working to explode
The chaos breeds order
The fragments of my mind get brought together
All this pain will have led somewhere
To a new way to be
A new way to see

Self doubting again
Again, and again, and again
Staring into the mirror
And the void stares back at me
But it’s just a switch
Right at the back of my mind
Turn on the lights, turn on the lights
It is always a choice
Nothing but perception
The easiest, easiest, hardest thing in the world
I forgot
I forgot, for a moment there, that I am magic
I don’t have all the magic
But I have enough
Just enough
Just enough