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Poetry

Accepting (poetry)

Time to catch the train
Catch the train
Is it still here
The idea was beautiful,
If I could just say it as it was
As it flew through my mind
Lightspeed
The meaning of life in a ray of sunshine
Has it slipped have I tripped

Never meant to hurt
Never meant to hurt anyone
Never meant to hurt you
Never meant to hurt me
But sorry doesn’t take the hurt away
Does it?
Does it?

Screaming and raging
Blood in my eyes
Throw a fucking chair
Right at my friends car
Rage Rage
Why why
What does it mean that I don’t know?
That maybe I’m just broken
Short circuit
Lightning bolt bridging negative to positive
Rage rage
A moment when I wasn’t me
A moment when I was the real me
Is the fucked up me the real me?
Or am I always the fucked up guy
Animal in my mind
And I can’t I can’t I can’t

Take away the pain take away the pain shake away the grey take away take it away away away away

I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt any of you
I never meant to
It might not seem like it, but I had good intentions
Even if maybe I have a lot ego
And a lot of arrogance
And a lot of fakeness
The real me isn’t the real me
The real me is behind this mask
I don’t even show it to myself
It’s a lonely place
Safe safe
Safe safe
Hide from the sun
It’s rays are too hot too hot
Let me hide in my little kingdom
A nice place to be
Good toys on the ground
Managing the easy task
Of optimizing the world around me
Instead of the dread task
Of working to optimize myself
Looking at every part of this broken machine
I call my head
Where did this tremor come from
Can’t make eye contact
Stare into the grey the grey
Be the grey the grey
Pinch myself hit myself on the side of the head
Get out of my head out of my head out of my out out
How can you fear the outside when the inside is just
Series of razor blades
Slowly rotating
Look away look away
Be away be away
Drink it away
Smoke it away
Pray it away
Pray it away pray it away

Except
It is also the only part of me that I really love
The part of me that lays seeds
And some of the seeds only bear the fruit of thorns
I am a person who can hurt others, and not know why
But but but
Some of the seeds can grow into trees
Suck up the good and the bad of the world
To create a fruit that will reshape the world
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
Which seed is which
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
If it is right to ever lay a bad seed
And should I stop laying the good seeds?
Self medicate or seek help
Some person who puts my mind into an agenda item on gcal
Thinks they know me, when I don’t even know myself
What does help look like?
What does asking for for help like?
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
Shake away the grey
And we all fall down
Fall to the left
To the right
A spinning top
Out of control
Capturing the majesty of an unseeable and unknoweable force
Gravity centrifuge light dynamics momentum momentum
And all that force
Chaos force in a fractal deterioration
The theory would seem like a madness from a distance
The entire universe by theory is exploding apart
But
But
But
Can’t it be
That there can be some type of gravity
Some type of theory of everything
That instead of all this mass working to explode
The chaos breeds order
The fragments of my mind get brought together
All this pain will have led somewhere
To a new way to be
A new way to see

Self doubting again
Again, and again, and again
Staring into the mirror
And the void stares back at me
But it’s just a switch
Right at the back of my mind
Turn on the lights, turn on the lights
It is always a choice
Nothing but perception
The easiest, easiest, hardest thing in the world
I forgot
I forgot, for a moment there, that I am magic
I don’t have all the magic
But I have enough
Just enough
Just enough

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