Drafts From A Bar (poetry)

Remind yourself of what you hate
And do not do it
Do what you love
And if you believe in it
Then let all the world hate you
But do what you love
And what if you hate yourself
Locked in to the honest path of darkness
While everyone else has a path of light
Then I tell you look in the shadows
For those demons you are most afraid of
Are those with the greatest love

Flee myself to free myself

And for awhile there
I forgot that I am supposed to be by myself
Lost is the dream
Of the love in the world around me
Silly Nash
You always knew that wasn’t for you
I hope it was a pleasant dream

Lost again
Flawed again
Lost again
Flawed again
La la state of mind
Circling winding
Dreams of flying
Lost again
Flawed again

Loathe yourself
Butterflies in your stomach
Depression in your eyes
Madness in your mind
But did you believe in it
Did you believe in it?

If you’re sick of being alone
I’m there

Dream Again (poetry)

Defining through my own type of madness
Feet failing me
Body buckling
Every moment gravity weigh weigh weighing
Every moment, knowing it is not the moment
Looking into the darkness
And praying to see light
Praying to see a way forward

Dancing in a circle
Hand in hand
Smiles on faces
Do memories like that happen again
There are so few chances in life
To be alive
Why couldn’t you know
That this moment
This moment right now
Might be the happiest of your life
Never to return

In the waking time
In the lost time
Sniffing the air
Hoping to smell it sweet
How am I How am I How am I
So flawed
How am I How am I How am I
Not the person I want to be
To know to know
The right way forward
And feet failing me
Brain failing me
Failing myself
Falling into myself
Falling down

In that space again
The dark space
Chest tight
Eyes open
Can’t I BE better
Can’t I be more perfect?
Less flawed
Less me
Stare into the mirror
And the void stares back at you

Medicated again
In control
Not thinking,
Or, not thinking about thinking
Brain free
Dancing, living, flying
Tomorrow can go fuck itself
Dying Killing Ruining
But no pain right now
No pain no pain no gain no pain no pain
Don’t got anything on my mind
Not even my mind
Free free be be free free be be
Fly die high cry sigh lie fry fry
Let it let it let it let it letitletitletit
And we all fall down

Can’t we do it all over again
I would
I would
I would do it differently
I would be different
I wouldn’t be myself
Out of my head
I would be a different head
Sacrifice my magic
And the weight weight pain
Sacrifice my magic
Sacrifice my magic
Sacrifice my
Sacrifice my
And we all fall down

Anonymous in the streets
All these ghosts whispering past me
Brains screeching in their heads
Is this what everyone is like
Is this how everyone feels
The scream of my mind
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Give me a helmet, yeah!
Shut up
Shut up
How are we all standing so high
All this gravity
All this weight
How are we how are we
Why are we
Why are we
Punch myself
Wake the fuck up
More less, less more
Up down, scream, bleed
Free me
Free me
Bleed me
Free me

Do do do do
Do you feel like this
Can’t I ask you
Am I the only
The only one
Am I the only one who has these thorns
Digging into my thoughts
Hate me hate me look down on me shit on me hate me the the the the the the the the the
Let me escape my mind
Let me escape the mirror
Punch it hurt it fight it bleed it scream at it
Hate it hate it
Fly it fly fry
Can’t we can’t I can’t can’t
Do you feel like this is this what you feel like are you feeling alone can I be there for you doesn’t everyone need someone there can’t we we we be be can’t we just say yeah yeah yeah
I love you because you are worth loving
You shouldn’t hate yourself
Don’t cut yourself
Let me take those hands
And hold them
And look look look look
In your big old eyes, seeing that fear
Reflected in both our eyes
Let’s fight the world together
I won’t be alone with you
You’ll never be alone with me
We are not separate
We are not one
We are the answer to each other’s question
The ying to yang
The sun to moon
A dream a dream
That when I wake
And I see the others the others who live the dream
Dancing gracefully
Hands that gently touch
Hugs that look comfortable
Let me glide through my ice
Strong strong
What could break through my fortress
When I have spent my entire life
Breaking myself
No purpose on stepping on a broken glass
You’ll just cut your feet

Dream again
Walk out again
Smile again
Do you see my darkness
Let me flee the darkness
My complaints and sadness and and and
Let me flee my darkness
Self made prison
My defenses atrophied
The easiest chains to break
Flee myself
To become myself
Not look at those who I wish I could be
But keep climbing
Keep praying to see the sunlight
Pretend my chains are wings
And I will fly
I will fly
Free from me
And then find the sun

Time Out (poetry)

Cancel the beauty
Stare in the sky
See nothing worth remembering
Lost in the silence
Lost in my mind
I don’t know if this is the best me
How can it be that the sands of time run so fast
That when I used to dream
I would dream so big
And now
And now
It is not just dreaming small
It is the lack of a dream
A lack of the capacity to dream
It’s gone, lost fluttered
Life is not a nightmare
It has its type of beauty
I breathe the air
And can taste former blue days
When the sky was bigger than god
And god was in my soul
Those days are rarer, but still flutter by
Every now and again
I still have the sand going through my hands
It is time to start dreaming again
It is time to start dreaming again
It is time to start dreaming again
While there are still dreams left to dream

This Big Grin (poetry)

And into and into and into
And into and into and into
A type of darkness
The world swells how
Where is it where is it
It was here here
Where has it gone

Someone praying
To become better
To flee weakness
To become better
To flee ourselves
What if this weakness
Is all that we are

Into the middle way
The middle years
The lost years
Was the magic in my mind gone gone?
Where has the magic gone
Was it ever really there?
Couldn’t I have done more than this?
Didn’t I used to dream bigger than this?

Do you remember walking through the field
That little bridge, I thought maybe we’d fall
The grass so green
We’d never been there before
I haven’t been since
I didn’t want to hold your hand
But I did want to love you
In my own way, the walled way
How can that have been so long ago
Where here I can feel it
Fall into the conversation
I remember stepping on the bridge and turning around
This big grin
Grabbing your hand
I did hold your hand
And take you over

Do you remember being in line together?
I was so arrogant, and then humbled
The things that I am good at nobody cared
And in my weakness
It is the only time anyone has loved me

Lost lost lost
Never found
Passing, like tree rings.
Starting at birth in the center
Then delicately going farther from birth
Every day growing
But seeing the tortured oblivion of the edge
Time as a one way master
Does it have to be this way?

Memories of My Maria (Poetry)

A quick hello over WhatsApp
You say you miss me
And I wonder
What it is to miss
Do we even like each other?
Or is that not the point
Of missing
Who are you
Who are we
Is there something in me I cannot communicate you
A way I imagine holding you,
A way I imagine the two of us
Staring in the eyes of each other
Inbetween people
Both lost from ourselves
Knowing the other person needs connection
But too far in ourselves
To be able to be the bridge
For the other