In A Healthier Headspace Than Last Time I Was Here (Poetry)

Here again
In front of the blank screen
In a familiar place, yet I was different here before
Though I am the same
Always different, always the same

Finding it harder to say things that used to come easy to me
But I chose to move on from those old things,
Didn’t I?
To build a roof one must grow from the walls
And trust the foundation

Shouting in a hurricane
A tree falling alone
My voice is invisible
Does it bother me?
Is my purpose for my voice to be heard?

The formulas describe the world around me
The correct theories are the ones that describe my everyday reality
The world is not a mystery
Truth and answers scream around us
That which tells flowers to grow
Why are we deaf to it?

Distracted again
My attention shifts
Back to what my phone is telling me
To the cacophony of reality
That which takes my time
The fight on the ground,
Rarely, if ever, moving me higher in the sky

The question I was talking about with Brian, Malaz and Chrystina is this
How many people on earth wouldn’t suck a billionaire’s dick for a billion dollars
How crude, my apologies
But my heart is sad that we have sold ourselves for gold
We worship, each and every day, false idols
We have lobotomized the part of our brain that knows god
We have lost consciousness to the reason for consciousness
Just rats with electrodes
Keeping our bodies in action
With no reason why
Purposeless in a purposeful and a purpose needed world
Like a dementia sufferer
Our task to carry the water bags to the dehydrated
But half way on the journey forgetting,
Or being led astray
To why we are carrying this water
That which is a part of our equation
That which somewhere in the quantum universe depends
On the ying to homo sapiens yang
Holds great fear
Perhaps the seeds in the garden do not get that what it is to grow

A mental vignette passes through my mind
It is not visual, my eyes are open, staring at these words on my Macbook
But it is there in my mind
Where does it live in my head?
Of course I worry about mental illness
Just as a I worry about delusions of grandeur
Peace with the flaws of each individual
Awe at the godlike qualities of each individual
I do not feel divergent

Look at my distraction
My brain doesn’t go in a straight line
I will lose the thread, like forgetting a dream
But what if it was something important?
Myself the least able to recognize

Let me share this tendril of thought, before it dissipates
Is it still there?
We are in awe that the universe exists
A seeming refutation of the standard model of physics
Which would predict total and complete mutual annihilation of everything but light
(why not light?)
Humans, or the Weak Nuclear Force, which act the same, a force which
Stops matter from annihilating from antimatter
We are in wonder of existence
We are proud that we exist, rather than not exist
But what if our existence is the opposite of our purpose?
What if we are supposed to annihilate with our antimatter selves
That we are a blown rivet in the machinery of the universe
A crack
That as we were carrying the water
Carrying our purpose
We became lost
A dementiated force
And that water we were supposed to use to grow
Is lost along the way

We worry that perhaps antimatter finds us
And we annihilate
And our purpose is to keep the universe going
But what if we are supposed to plug the hole in the hull of the universe
Which we created
To cease our being an outlier of the standard model
And instead complete it
If we were to seek out our antimatter
And annihilate ourselves
The equations would hold
They would just be delayed

That was the idle thought going through my mind
Emile is Whatsapping me about lunch, I cannot go, I thought I told him clearly
Ceri is asking me about my jeans, if they should go in the dryer or be hung
I have seven minutes before going on a call with SOSV for InfiniteUp
Let me save this before it disappears
Something exists here that did not exist thirty minutes ago

Seemingly insignificant dream from 5 May 2022, lying in bed in Beirut (poetry)

Dream I just had
I am a part of a professional team
Like half Adalo half being in Swamp version of Iraq
Chrystina and others are there
We are fighting guerilla war against a very powerful enemy
But we are holding our own
Our enemy is very well organized with far better resources
The enemy is searching for something
Like a newspaper bundle strap
It seems so insignificant
The ground is littered with them
But for some reason they want this one only
And because they are our enemy, even though we don’t have it we want to deny it from them
The others have been at this war longer than me
But they are not grizzled veterans, it feels like Adalo
Everyone is trying hard but it feels a lot like posturing and prancing
The event chases us
It should be horrifying but it is manageable, we’ve been living this way for some time
Suddenly everyone shouts at me that I have the totem the American Army like enemy are searching for
We all start running, my compatriots working to protect me and deceive
I am supposed to throw it somewhere
The war / game is to throw it somewhere
It’s half the Lord of the Rings going to Mordor
It’s half just playing make believe on the playground at school
I’ve got the one ring newspaper strap
Let’s me destroy it before the enemy gets to me
I’m running in a big circle, basically doing laps, almost of like Randerson Ridge
The enemy is all around me, but I don’t see anyone
But in my heart there is the chance that this pressure on me is very important
I don’t even know what I have that is important
It really can’t be this newspaper strap thing
I go and run and run and by the grace of grace I’m able to throw the strap into a marsh without the enemy getting me
The game is over for now but my own side is happy I deceived well, but they don’t believe what I threw was the right strap
They think I did have the right strap at some point
I’m a bit confused, that’s the only strap I had
And it was just a strap!
But things are winding down now
Someone remembers a woman who will give us information for money
And she presents some finding to our leaders that gives them the answer to the next step of what we do
It all feels like a game
But it feels, I guess, like war