Melancholic

Melancholic

And not even a simple attempt to piece it all together
Sitting quietly, disappearing
The act of life an act of quiet disappearance
Were we ever really here?
Never knowing the experience of anything other
Than the light that enters our mind
Childhood philosophy
What if I exchanged my brain with the brain of a dolphin
Would the dolphin raise my human arms?
Would I see through the dolphins eyes?
Would the music of my mind carry on?
I never really advanced more than childhood philosophy
Who am I?
What is consciousness?
Is God real?
If God is real do I have to follow him?
What is my purpose?
How do I know my purpose is my purpose?
Am I supposed to be happy?
Is there life after death?
What does being alive even mean?
Childhood philosophy
I remember taking logic in philosophy,
It was so arbitrarily mathematical
In what part of my brain does my consciousness live
Does gravity apply to my consciousness
Let me summarize, if I can
What has been crowding through my subconscious
Like a magic lamp, as a child I prayed to believe in God
To believe in an afterlife
To believe that when I die I do not disappear
Praise God, my wishes have been granted
And I believe in God
For how can there not be a force of one-ness in the universe
We know time is not in ever dimension
We know that at the time of the Big Bang all was one
We know that god is all
Therefore, God exists
For God is oneness
I believe in reincarnation, eternal life, and the meeting again of my past memories, my past moments full of love
For, the universe pulses like a heart
According to God’s design
The universe explodes into being at the Big Bang
Expanding endlessly
Until the Weak Force Awakens
And begins it’s collection fetch task
Of bringing all the energy of the universe back together
Linking all known nodes of life into a interconnected mycelium web
So that the big bang unites again
Perhaps bigger, right?
Like an internal combustion engine
The Weak Force allied with Gravity
Gravity never actually fitting into the Standard Model of Physics
We were not one and we will not be one
But we can work together
And Gravity and God being the same
Gravity being the force of God over all aspects of the universe
And an option of purpose
That sings through the entirety of the universe
Is that let us stop this expansion of the universe
And bring all energy together
To create the linking of all matter back into one
And at this time
We shall live all our endless lives together
Every potential moment that has ever been or could have been
Full quantum potential
Brought together
Until the heart beat of the big bang happens again
The explosion out again
The whisper of the Big G again
‘Come back together come back together’
I hear the temptation, the order, the whisper of God
It is always there
Much of my life was spent wishing to hear this voice
Tuning my mind to be awake to the voice of God is a great win
I achieved what my infant mind desired
But now that I am here
And I hear God’s voice
And I hear God’s purpose
I question
Just because God tells me my purpose is my purpose
Who is God to tell me what to do
And that in front of my is infinite in every dimension
Endless reincarnation
But is it my purpose to ally with God
Or,
Perhaps a more real question
Who says that God knows best?
What is the purpose of God?
Who tells God that it is for Gravity to compress the universe again, and again, and again
And still these same questions
What is consciousness
Where does it live
Does consciousness experience Gravity
I do not know
I welcome the alliance with Gravity
For why should not all forces in the universe work together
Yet,
I do not accept Gravity or God as my master or the only Truth
For Truth is greater than God
And Truth is still a mystery to me, perhaps as a child I prayed for the wrong thing
I invite God to convince me on his Purpose, I will keep an open mind
But more than this, I would ask to collaborate with God
To investigate the breaking of this cosmic yo-yo
Not for that the breaking is good
But because there are other Truths than that which has been revealed
In my mind, in every human beings mind
The greatest density of garden in the universe
There are truths and world beyond Gravity
Gravity brings the same hammer to every nail
Crush crush crush
Crush until everything is together
A narrow definition of oneness
Brutal
I care not if it has the weight of a truth in it
Perhaps the way to find the next truth is to first realize
There is not only one truth
Perhaps there are infinite truths
I do not know why purpose must exist
Or why Truth must exist
I feel as a ray of light
I am just an arrow that has been shot
Awakening on the journey
I do not need to do anything
I am free, I am free
If I can imagine it, then I am free to do, or not do it
No force but my consciousness to determine what is real
What is purpose
What is Truth
My hunch
Is that, there is a Truth to investigate
That is about breaking cyclical reincarnation of our universe
I think of Hinduism and Varanasi
That there is a way to live our lives where we break this cycle
Do I want to break this cycle?
No, nor Yes
But I would like to invetigate truths beyond that which God gives
For I know not if God is correct
And I doubt God knows either
Let me end this with my own prayer
Or at least a passage of it, that rings true in this moment
I ask God to join me
Hand in hand
On the tiller of our lives
Directing ourselves
Towards a quantum optimization
Where those we love and those around us
Are empowered towards their cosmic purpose
Just as a seed has the potential to grow into a tree has the potential to grow into a start
And escape the universe
Or Gravity can compress a star into a black hole
And escape the universe
May we work towards our cosmic purpose
That is all I feel now, at this moment
A general malaise
A general melancholia
I have manifested in my mind a god, and a purpose
Yet, I have not manifested a belief that God knows the real Truth
And that the purpose Gravity drives me towards
Is not the only purpose to investigate
Let me continue wandering through my desert
Back to the same unknowingness
Of what is it I should even pray for
That confronted me as an infant