Uncategorized – Barrett Nash

October 28, 2021October 28, 2021

The Story of Grandfather Moses or We Are The Weak Nuclear Force: Quantum Parables From Our Mitochondrial Ancestors (Novel / Poem) (v4.1)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OhW7n6FsHXoJ83lyMnylb50IjCg8Z3gwcsHJmahvixY/edit#

Prologue
(Narrator)
Welcome
Thank you for choosing to listen to this story
I look forward to sharing this journey with you
Please do not feel you have to listen / Of course you are free / Do not listen as a favour / Do not listen as a burden
Listen because, for some few hours, you are willing to hallucinate / And think of the nature of god / And think of the nature of purpose
I do ask if you start / That you finish / I worry about leaving you stranded half way on the journey
This work is designed to be an attack / It is not passive
I do not want to hurt you / I do not want you to be hurt
I would like you to think of existence and marvel
But I cannot hide the pain of existence / The sharp contours of reality
This would be the appropriate time to stop / And know that I wish you blessings and goodness
Now if you are still here / If anyone is still here beside myself / Between now and the end of history
Let us begin
Before we start and meet our characters I would like to first ask you a question
We are heading towards extinction
This is a fact / Isn’t it?
In order to be / There must be a state of non-being
Like the ostrich with its head in the ground / Who wants to think about extinction?
Our extinction is not polite conversation
Before talking of extinction let’s talk about the opposite
How long have human beings been alive?
Where do human beings come from?
We are an unbroken chain going back to the very first cells
The very first molecules
The very first act of life
Originating from a period of time that is pre-Jurassic, pre-Cambrian, pre-first-fish, pre-simple-virus
Perhaps even related to the extra matter of the big bang the Dirac equation alludes to
It has been a very biological process that has created humans
If you look at the genus of humans ‘Homo’, we go back to Homo Habilis / A period two million years ago
A bipedal predecessor to human beings, Homo Erectus, roamed the world for a million years
Travelling to every corner of the world
And here we are, human beings / Homo Sapien Sapien
And I think if you were to ask any serious individual
“When will human beings annihilate ourselves?”
There is a decreasing faith in our continued existence going forward just by a few centuries
For the expected likelihood of the continuation of ourselves as a species / We are looking at just the next few hundred years
With centuries being very small units of time
Look at the radicalness of our own lifetimes
Of the last one or two centuries
We went from shooting people with primitive muskets to the dropping of atomic bombs
To landing someone on the moon
To having enough intercontinental missiles during the peak of the Cold War
To annihilate the entire surface of the world a dozen times with nuclear explosions
Wars with tanks and horses on the same battlefield
And things aren’t getting more stable, they’re getting less stable
Nuclear weapons are proliferating
We’re experiencing the potential of biological warfare
We’re watching the crumbling of the United States empire in real time
We’re not really sure what fills it
We’re passive to the hacking of human nervous systems by for profit enterprises
Free will under assault, if it ever existed
Our children born into brands, raised by social media, living as cows milked by trillion dollar companies
What is the end of this?
It’s a horrible thing to believe that we are in the end of days
Population zero just a matter of time / Mind, body or soul
If not in the next fifty years, then in the next five hundred years
Which for all intents and purposes is the same thing
We witness our perspective through the news cycle
The challenges that we face today
But perhaps we are too focused on the microscopic
As Pynchon says, get people asking the wrong questions then who cares about the answers
What we will, together, focus on in this story is a different perspective
We will look into our shared past
Exploring the feel of history as it sits in my own mind / As it comes to my own lips
And I invite you to feel for the same story in your own mind / To tell it as it comes to your own lips
For this story is just as much your story as my story
Our shared ancestors have been here before
Our genus of Homo has almost gone extinct
There was a period about seventy five thousand years ago
Before human beings had left Africa
When there was a population bottleneck
When we, Homo Sapiens, almost went extinct
There was just one thousand human beings left on planet earth
Like a village left
Smaller than my high school
And what we will seek to comprehend is: what does it mean to be in your own head
As your species faces extinction
And also
How did that invert?
Because also around this same time something happened called the cognitive revolution
Which is when human beings gained that most human of traits: the trait of consciousness
The trait that is the defining feature separating human beings from all other animals on earth
And from every other entity in the universe
From a star to a force of nature like Gravity
Everything else we have found in the universe is not conscious
We are conscious
Everyone instinctively knows what consciousness means
But what does it actually mean?
Do dogs, when they whimper in fear, is that consciousness?
When a monkey is able to get into an argument with another monkey: is that consciousness?
I think we would say no, but why not?
So,
Human beings almost went extinct
But instead gained consciousness
And I don’t know how that happened
There was no historical record
People were hunter gatherers
But what we are going to do with this work
We are going to hypothesize
We are going to hypothesize by telling the story of Moses
Not the Jewish Moshe Rabbenu
Or Christian Moses
Or Quranic Musa
Or Krishna
Or Zoraster
But Grandfather Moses / Our shared elder
Let us try to understand
If there really was at some point in time a man like Moses
The genesis of so many stories that have circulated through civilizations
The oldest story that feels real in the fractals of my neocortex
Who was he?
What did he do?
What was this one man’s individual capability in transforming a population bottleneck leading towards extinction
Into the gaining of consciousness
I’m not going to try to apply what this means for our own situation or our own society
All I am going to do is try to tell the story as truthfully as I feel it
Listening to the honesty in my heart,
Knowing that somewhere in my mind the original oral history still lives / Just as it lives in your mind as well
In order to tell the story truthfully
I am going to stop telling the story from the narrative of myself
Because I don’t think that is the most authentic way to tell this story
Instead,
I am going to put myself into the world of Moses
I am going to be as honest as I can to the truth that sings inside my head
I am going to let Moses tell the story in his own words
And if you choose to listen, hopefully by a fire over four nights
One night for each of the four parts of this story
Listen to him as you would listen to your Grandfather
A mixture of indulgence, respect and love / Knowing that he is on your side
And now I am going to hand it over to him
The start of the story
Part 1
Chapter I
And then something out of nothing
Some of my first memories take place before I had a concept of time
While many of my fellow tribe member’s first memories of me / Are things that I do not remember
My earliest memory
Would be staring up at the blue sky
Lying on my back
I think I must be a baby
And it felt safe
And the sky was blue
And I felt like I was falling up, into the sky
Endless
Floating
Flying
Most of my fellow tribe member’s first memories of me
Or at least those who are of an age to remember
Are of when I was first brought to the tribe
I am not from these people
But it is true they opened their doors to me
And they have given me a lot
If I cannot call it love
At least there is food in my belly
And a direction to be walking in
And stories to listen to
And there are days with much laughter
My own tribe, the people whose blood runs in my veins, are people who I don’t know much about
Their stories are lost to me
I don’t know what made them walk
I don’t know if it was just like we are today
With this tribe
Or if it was a different thing, a different direction
Different hopes, different dreams, different habits
What I know is that it is taboo to talk about my past
I also know
That everyone that I used to be with
Apart from myself
They are dead
And not the peaceful dead of moving into that blue sky
But a dead that is unpeaceful
I know that the stone King wears around his neck
The one which he uses to start fires
It comes from my people
And I know that if anyone was to try to take the stone from King
He would fight them to the death
I’m not sure the story of how the stone of my people came to King
I have known since my first memories that it is better not to ask
Today we are a small tribe
We know that we used to be larger in number
Just as we know that there used to more meeting of others who look like us
Whose sounds sound like the sounds we make
And the way they walk is like the way we walk
But every year
Every revolution around the sun
Every cycle change of the stars
We become smaller and smaller in number
But we are still here
We are still present
And we are still walking forward
There are just a few of us
But we are big in spirit
There is my half brother Goliath
We were nursed together as babes
He has always been physically bigger than me
He is the dauphin of the tribe
The future leader
It is in every particle of his being
To know that it is his destiny to be our master
He is someone who has moments of wonderful conversation with me
And we often walk side by side
Enjoying the world together
We can both be filled with laughter
The beating sun on our faces
The breeze through the skins we wear
But
He is also someone who can be cruel
He is someone that believes there is a set of rules for everyone else
And then a set of rules just for him
And I can tell you
That I have seen him in fits of rage that scared me
It is not good to be scared of another human being
Especially one who is your brother
Then,
There is Goliath’s father, King
Who wears the stone of my people
And raised me as a son
He is a good King
I do expect that the story of my people
Does not have a positive point of intersection
With the tribe of King
But I do know that King has been a good father to me
And a good leader of our tribe
He is someone that does listen
Who brings many skills
Who is fair
Even if he is uncompromising
Every moment of his existence is one of fundamental unweakness
He is a strong stick that I do not believe the world has in it to break or even bend
Then,
There is Goliath’s mother and King’s wife:
Grandma
She is the keeper of the culture of our tribe
She is someone who tells us stories in the evening
And makes us know that we are not alone in the world
That we are a part of a greater essence
A part of a greater world
She has taught us about the universe and existence
And what it means to feel your heart pumping and to be alive
She will never do anything to cross or betray King or Goliath
They are a tribe within a tribe
She protects them first
Then she is fierce in protecting all of us
And she has been as my mother
And I have no hesitation to say that there is a great amount of love in my heart for her
Even when I know that she treats me as secondary to Goliath
Then,
There are just a few others of us
Some, I will not go into detail on
They are the characters that fill our tribe
And are important in that they show the resilience and capability of who we are as a people
Maybe this story isn’t the story where they are the center
They are the ones supporting
But there are a few who are important
There is my friend Amen
Who is a voice of goodness and strength in my ear
And the most wonderful human being that I have ever met
She makes a safe place wherever she is in the world
I trust the goodness in her heart
There may be love in my heart for her
But I am unsure if that is the right word for the emotion I feel
There is Dallas
Who is always a voice of reason
Who always listens flexibly
He is very much King’s man
He is the one who can communicate to King different sides
In a way that can allow King to be more amenable to a situation
And more in control
Dallas may be the real center of our tribe
It is very often his view that becomes the one that we follow
But his views are based on fairness and logic
Empathy and comprehension
Outside of these,
We number twenty five
There are few children and they are precious to us
We endure together
We walk together
Searching for food
Searching for a nice place to rest our heads
Searching for a place to make fire, call camp and fill our bellies
And survive for another day
King has the capability to make fire
We have seen from a distance other tribes
They have not been able to make fire the way King can
They find fire from lightning, but they cannot make it with their own hands
King makes the fire in secret when we aren’t watching
All we know is he uses the stone he wears around his neck that came from my people
It is the thing that gives him power
Not just in our tribe but over every tribe
He is fire starter
He is fire man
And with that fire
We have heat
We have warmth
We have food
We have power
We’ve banished our fear of the dark away
And we are united together
United against the infinite darkness that invades the world around us
The fire is the center of our lives
It is the thing that makes us different than the world around us
We take it extremely seriously
We make sure that the fire is respected and worshiped
When we start a fire King says words of thanks to the fire
We all bow our heads and let him speak to give the fire its proper space
Then over the evening
As the darkness settles in
And we can see the stars above us
So many in number
That sometimes we argue whether the sky is white with black specs
Or black with white specs
And Grandma tells us stories of where we come from
Of the Garden of Eden
A place that was perfect
But that we were banished from
For the mistakes we made
She tells us the stories of why we need to be good followers
Because it was by not following that we were banished from Eden
And why every day we need to suffer
We need to suffer
Because we are sinners
And we have done wrong
And the only thing that should drive us
Is the motivation that if we live a life of following
A life of following King
And following his rule
Perhaps,
We can be forgiven
And re-find the Garden of Eden
I like these stories in the evening
Grandma is an incredible story teller
Sometimes she’ll tell the same story again and again
But each retelling is a little bit different
And I love to hear the differences
Just as I feel safe knowing
That the story is a story
That I know the beginning, the middle and the end
And even if sometimes the lessons are hard and painful
The characters can have so much richness and depth
It is worth falling into them in the nighttime
The nighttime is my favourite time
It’s the time when I get to lean back quietly
Being in my head
And know the swirling, fluttering thoughts
Of what can only be called my mind
A time when I am free
And as I stare in the fire
And my brain levitates
Up, down, sideways
In and out of my soul
And I feel what it is to know that I have purpose in my being alive
Even if I don’t know what to do with this feeling of purpose
This essence of spirit / That can flow from me
When I am free in the evenings
Is something I consider holy
Then as I fade to sleep
I hear others speak of dreams
Dreams of hunting
Dreams of carnality
Dream of picking fruit
Dreams of walking
But myself,
I very rarely dream
And when I do dream
It is not a good experience
Often,
I just have my brain turn off
As what I must imagine is the feeling of death
Disappearance
The stopping of existence
And then
To awaken in the sunshine of the morning
My brain rising, like the sun
And the push to get up and begin another day
Though I always try to take a few moments
To feel peace
And feel the spirit
Just as I enter the blackness drifting towards sleep
And my brain is free and I experience reality in a different way
If nighttime, just as my brain flutters to oblivion, is my favourite time
Then my second favourite would be my waking in the morning
With my eyes still shut
Feeling the warmth of the sun creeping over my head
Feeling my brain imagining different realities
Of what the day, and the world and my lifetime can hold
And I take pleasure in relaxing in the euphony of what my brain allows me
The freedom to think
And then
With my will and power
That is built, not innate
I will open my eyes
And begin the challenge of the day
To make sure that we are all safe
That we are all protecting each other
That we have food in our bellies
Water in our water carriers
And that we get through another day safely
And in peace
For not every day will end safely
Or in peace
Chapter II
Let’s go together through a normal day
I wake up and we of King’s tribe are circled around the embers of the fire
Some of us will have stayed up late watching to make sure that animals stay at bay
But for this last night I was able to sleep well
My feet poking towards the fire
I am covered in the skin of a gazelle
And I feel warm
I feel cozy
And I look up
And I see the blue sky
The sun breaking / Just rising
And I stretch my arms behind my head
And I feel good
The world is a fantastic thing
The ground has been soft
I have next to me, on my left, Amen
Still asleep
Curled in sleep in her own gazelle skin
Slightly snoring
Then on my other side is Dallas
Who is snoring a bit loudly
But he’s the one who had been keeping the watch
And deserves to have more rest
I stand and see I am one of the first ones awake
I see Goliath in the distance on the far side of the fire
Also awake
Doing his morning stretches and his morning rituals
I walk over to a little stream that we are camping next to
I throw water on my face
Now, I feel more awake and more ready to start the day
It’s interesting how as the sun comes up
We naturally have our minds awaken
And know that it is the time to get the day started
We don’t need to say anything, we just act, we just move
We know that the purpose of the day
It is to have our stomachs well fed
And this place where we have spent the last night
It is not a place where there will be anymore food
So if we are going to be fed
It is time to begin moving
We pack up the small number of things we have
Our blankets, our wooden spears
There are a few odds and ends
A flute made out of horn that Grandma is very good at making beautiful music through
The special jewelry that we adorn ourselves in on festival days
We wrap them in our skins to keep them safe
In just a few moments after everyone is awake
We are very close to being ready to go
We have some small food that we collected yesterday
We eat to break the fast
Some wild berries
Some tubers we found in the ground
We are now sitting, waiting, munching on the food
Waiting for King to start
King
Who is the last one up
Lying under the skin of a lion
Eyes open staring at the sky
It is he we are waiting to give the motion that it is time to move
He puts his head up
He stands,
We all look him in the eye
And then, he starts moving
We follow
Nobody says anything
Later in the day we will be telling stories
Singing
Having fun
Camaraderie
As we take the pleasures we can of the journey together
But now,
It is still early
Our heads are still quiet
And we are just going
Going forward
We walk in single file
Behind King as he takes us wherever we are going to go
We have trust in King
This is his position
He has brought us safely so far
We are still here
When many others are not still here
And he is the one that makes the fire
And he who makes the fire is our leader
We swear allegiance to him
We call him our King
For he is our King
We would not have safety without him
We would not be able to have light in the darkness
Warmth in the cold
A weapon against predators
And King is a good King
He treats us fairly
He treats us with respect
Now,
As it is becoming the middle of the day
And the sun is becoming hot
We get a good view of our surroundings
It’s the middle of the day
When the sun is directly over our heads
Making our shadows almost invisible
This is a hostile environment
Wide open expanses
Dry grass scorched in the sunlight
Trees every here and there casting a limited shadow
Enough for a prairie dog to huddle under
But nothing to break the incredible heat
Desolation
As far as we can see in every direction
It is a scene of emptiness
And quiet
This is not a place of abundance
This is not Eden
We truly have been kicked out of Eden
Or else it has disappeared
For this is not an environment that our species was made to thrive in
But we will survive
And we have survived
And while Gravity brings us close to the surface
We still move forward, with direction
Following King
When the sun is at its absolute hottest
King stops
He says some of the first words that we have heard this day
“Today is a good day to hunt”
“We need meat in our diet”
“And I see on the horizon that there are animals”
“Gazelles”
“It is time to get busy”
Hunting is a challenging affair
The women stay with the children and try to keep them safe
This is not work for women
This is work for men
Death may happen
An animal kicks a hunter in the head
Women are more precious than men
Women can have children / While men cannot
If there were one hundred men and one woman / Then in a years time the tribe could be one hundred and two
If there was one man and one hundred women / Then in a years time the tribe could be two hundred and one
We men must keep the women safe
We take off the skins that we have been using to keep the incredible heat from the sun from breaking our skin
Our naked skin,
Without any fur
Exposed to the sun
White as a dogs underbelly
And we go
Us men
Goliath, King, Dallas, myself and a few others
We begin to jog towards the horizon
Myself, my eyes are not as good as Kings
I cannot see the animals he’s spotted
But he is an experienced hunter
And I trust him
And I follow him
We go towards the horizon
We go towards the horizon
We go towards the horizon
I now see a dot in the distance
This must be the gazelle that King is seeing
There are in fact five different dots
We keep going towards them
And they keep staying away from us
And we go and we go and we go
Unbreaking
The gazelles are still ahead, still ahead
We are not catching them
But they tire in a different way than we humans become tired
They’re not able to take the heat from the sun in the same way
I don’t entirely understand it
But we humans
We are not fast, we are not strong
But we can handle the heat differently
While we are burning in the sun
Our lungs are still staying powerful
Still able to make us move forwards, no matter the heat
Where the gazelles will have stop and pant / Their weakness
The dots are still on the horizon
But they are bigger dots than they were before
I turn my head around and I see that our own tribe
Are now dots smaller than the gazelles
They are far behind us
We keep going forward
Jogging forward
Moving forward
The sun is a terrific heat
It hurts
It’s burning our exposed flesh
The pain is acute but it will only be fully felt tomorrow
Ideally, when there is solid meat in the stomachs of our womenfolk and our children
All we have to do is outlast these gazelles
We come forward / We come forward
There is a tree
Something that provides very little shade
And we see the gazelles stop there
We begin to move faster
They try to be in the shade to cool down
But we will not give them this luxury
As we get closer
They move on
You can feel the gazelles reproach
Why are we tiring them?
Why can’t they just take a break?
They are faster than us
But still we keep moving
Unbroken
Unbroken
We are getting closer
We see them
I can see their shapes
I can see the markings on their rears
And as we get closer
They try to out race us
In a normal race they would be so much faster than us
But you can feel their exhaustion
We’re going
We’re going
The sun is beating down
Ahhhhhh
It is going to hurt tomorrow
But this is the hunt
All I am going to think about is the hunt
I become closer
We become closer
Finally,
One of the gazelles falls over
Exhausted by its own fight against the heat
The other gazelles keep moving
A-tribe-oning the fallen gazelle
And as we come closer
We know that the hunt is ours
King takes a wooden spear / And draws first blood
We give him this right
He takes his large stone knife
And with a swift movement cuts the gazelle’s throat
Now / We are going to have meat tonight
We take twine made from the sinews of past hunts
We make hand holds
So that we can share in the carrying of the gazelle
We begin the journey back towards our tribe
There are no dots on the horizon
So that while Goliath, King and myself are carrying the gazelle
Goliath using his hulk to carry an entire end
While I help balance out King
Some others and Dallas are scouting
Looking for the dots that will mean we have found our tribe
We’re moving
The sun is still so hot
But not as hot as it was before
The worst of the heat was used to kill the gazelle
Our friend in nature
Nature takes away, it burns, it hurts
But it gives
And human beings, weak that we are
We are still able to harness the power of nature
Together with nature we brought the gazelle down
And while the pain of the sun is acute
I feel gratitude
We are going to be able to survive better with meat in our bellies
Finally,
Someone says “Over there”
And we see on the horizon the huddled women and children
We come towards them
Our skin is no longer white but turned red
Blemishes will sprout tomorrow, some with blood
Pain is beginning to take form
The women see us
There is respect and cheers
The women make soft compresses
Made out of the leaves of trees filled with a gel that gives comfort
They begin to prepare the meat for the evening meal
This will be the first time that we have eaten meat in several days
It is rare to see animals on the horizon
It is rare for a hunt to go as successfully as this one
Often the animals get away
Often an animal injures one of us
We are going to cook this meat
It’s easier to eat when it has been cooked on the fire
Some days,
When it has been raining,
When it isn’t possible to have a fire
We will eat the meat raw
But it is challenging on our teeth
It is work to chew
Our old ones and young ones suffer
So with the fire
We are able to eat well
We’re leave many pieces of meat on the edge of the fire
Absorbing the smoke
And in this way
The bugs will not attack it
And we can keep it strong
So that it can feed us in future days
And as we sit around the fire
Ready to eat meat
We are feeling merry
It is always a great day when there is meat
Before we sit down to have the first bites
King stands
And says “It is your time to thank me”
“For bringing this meat”
And each of us sitting in a circle by his feet
One by one
Say
“Thank you King for giving us this meat”
“Thank you King for giving us this meat”
“Thank you King for giving us this meat”
And then
Once the final person
Goliath
Says
“Thank you King for giving us this meat”
King takes the first bite of meat
And says
“It is good, please enjoy”
And we begin to eat
Everyone is in a good mood when they are eating meat
Children are jumping up and down / Running around
Women are laughing
And we who hunted, even as our skin burns from the hunt
We are able to feel free and laugh
The sun has gone down
We keep watching the fire
We are going to need to stay up very late tonight
Dangerous animals are smelling the meat
They are going to prowl
The women have been successful in collecting small amounts of wood
We take fire from the main fire
And we make some small secondary fires / On the edge of our tribe
To keep the animals away
To give us the light to see moving shadows just beyond our edge
Ready to take a small child away
Or jump into the fire and take our meat
To stay awake, so that it’s not just one sentry, but all of us taking some of the work
As late as we can, into the night
To keep the beasts of the night at bay
It’s time to hear a story
Grandma takes her bone flute
And says
“Which story would you like to hear tonight?”
One of the children shouts
“Tell us the story of Adam and Eve”
“Tell us the story of the Garden of Eden”
Grandma has a bit of a smile
She goes
“Let me give you a deal”
“I’m going to tell you two stories of the Garden of Eden”
“One is true”
“And one is a lie”
“And it’s up to you to guess which one is which”
“I don’t want you to tell anyone which is the right one”
“But, I want you to hold it in your heart”
“And share with the people that you love”
“For the rest of your life”
“What is the true story of the Garden of Eden”
“And”
“Know that it is the true story”
“How you feel it”
“Is the truth of where we come from”
“But know that not everyone feels the same way”
“One story goes like this”
“It is the story of your great great great great great great grandparents”
“In the time before anyone remembers”
“We choose to call two of them, a man and his wife, Adam and Eve”
“They are our parent’s parent’s parent’s parent’s parent’s parents”
“Their blood is in your veins”
“During this time we were in a place that was paradise”
“Every tree was loaded with fruit”
“The ground was soft”
“There were no animals that would hurt us”
“Just animals that we could eat”
“And the fire was good”
“Every night we were comfortable”
“Every day we were at peace”
“All we had to do was enjoy the fatness of the earth”
“Everything was pleasurable”
“Adam and Eve would enjoy the bounty of this garden”
“Nothing to hurt their skin”
“Their stomachs never empty”
“Their children wild at play”
“Adam as a King”
“Eve and his children as his doting subjects”
“Worshipping Adam as a God”
“Half man half deity”
“But,”
“It was not to be forever”
“One day a voice came from the sky / And spoke just to Eve”
“And,”
“There had never been a lie told between Adam and Eve”
“But Eve chose to keep the voice from the sky a secret from Adam”
“The voice from the sky told Eve ‘You are the slave of Adam’”
“Eat this apple and you will be liberated”
“And the tree the apple comes from”
“It is called the Tree of Knowledge”
“And with its fruit”
“You will be free”
“And be able to be anything”
“And,”
“As Eve ate the apple”
“Eden fell”
“For she was not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge”
“Knowledge’s fruit being just for the man and not for the woman”
“Adam’s paradise could not withstand a woman eating this forbidden fruit”
“Eden was no longer perfect after a woman had tasted enlightenment”
“Suddenly that which was paradise was no longer paradise”
“Adam experienced her eating the apple”
“And his only solution was to carry them and their children out of Eden”
“He used his might to create chains around his family”
“And if Eve or his children disobeyed / Adam would whip them”
“Paradise was lost”
“Why was paradise lost?”
“Was it because of Eve for eating the apple from the Tree of Knowledge?”
“Was it Adam for his weakness?”
“Or was Eden already fragile? Its fall preordained?”
“And,”
“After Adam and Even and their children left”
“The good times of Eden were over forever”
“Now, we walk every day”
“Knowing that Eden can exist”
“Knowing that we have never found it again”
“If we were to find Eden again, would women again be tempted to eat from the Tree of Knowledge?”
“Knowing it will cast us from perfection?”
“Or would women keep their place?”
“Being the slave to man to stay in perfection”
“That is one story”
Grandma said
“Don’t think if it’s the truth, or a lie or something even different”
“Wait for me to say this other story first”
“Now let me tell you that it is true we were in the Garden of Eden”
“Just as I tell you this”
“My grandmother told me that her grandmother’s feet had touched the soft earth of a place that was indescribably perfect”
“There was fat fruit on every branch of every tree”
“The most delicious animals coming right to us / Basically slaughtering themselves”
“The ground so soft that as you’d go to sleep you’d wake up and the ground would form a perfect shape for your body”
“But it was not to be”
“The sky changed”
“The ground became less perfect, more hard, more brittle”
“The animals became rarer”
“The fruit became poisonous”
“The members of the tribe, who at the time were numerous”
“They became sick”
“From their insides liquid would flow”
“They would have death”
“Every day the tribe would shrink”
“The specter of death filled the air”
“Finally,”
“Adam and Eve stood up and said:”
“‘This place was perfection’”
“‘But it is perfection no longer’”
“‘Even though we know outside of Eden is not a good place’”
“‘We know that if we are to stay here we are surely to perish’”
“‘Any can stay,’”
“‘But I Adam’”
“‘’And I Eve’”
“‘We’re leaving here today’”
“‘If any will follow, we invite you, but we do not force you’”
“‘But today we fight our own extinction’”
“‘We don’t say we are correct’”
“‘But we say that we are taking action’”
“‘And this is the action we are taking’”
“And some followed Adam and Eve”
“They were our ancestors”
“So you are here today because of their actions”
“And others didn’t”
“And we don’t know what happened to them”
“Except we are sure of is this”
“In my grandmother’s days they would find other tribes who are like us”
“And then my parents spoke of meeting others who are like us”
“And then myself I saw many who are like us”
“But you young ones I know have seen very few who are like us”
“And I fear that we are disappearing”
“It’s a sadness because our line has potential”
Serendipitously soon after
We were to meet and bond with the first other tribe
Since the founding of myself in the blood of my parents
Chapter III
One day
As we were walking
This wild, I guess it would be a cow, but it was fast
And fatter and larger than any animal we’d ever hunted
Runs in front of us
There were other human beings chasing after it with wooden spears
Looking like us
Dressed a little different
They’re clearly tired
And I look to King to see what sort of decision he’ll make
And he looks to them
And instead of being aggressive
He bows down
And the chief from the other tribe, breathing heavily
Bows in return, arms open, in a sign of peace
We don’t understand each other with words / But our bodies communicate our intentions
King waves his hand saying ‘stop here’
He looks to me, he looks to Dallas, he looks to Goliath, he looks to a few others
Points to Goliath
Says “Stay here with the women folk”
“Make sure these new people are treated as our best guests”
“And we’re going to go and get that animal”
King starts running after the fat cow
And Dallas and I, we start running with him
We go
This animal we’re chasing is tired and already injured bad
But he’s still fast
And he’s still big
And we’re gonna get him because King is chasing
King is in the front
And we are following
And we know that if King reaches him first
Then King is in danger
And King is our leader
It is our job to protect him
So we’re running and time is hard to follow
Because time is mutable, not immutable
And finally
The animal is slowing down
And King goes to the right
Shouts to us to go to the left
I go faster than Dallas
King says “Attack from different directions”
We’re all carrying wooden spears
We run at the cow at the same time
It’s Dallas who gets a good shot right at the head
And bashes with the back of his spear as hard as he can
And the animal goes down, fast
And suddenly, there’s more meat than any of us, even King, has ever seen in one spot
What do we do with this?
Well the hunt ended not too far from our camp
I yell at King “I will go get some help”
I go back and I see our womenfolk helping out with the other tribes womenfolk
They must have arrived while we were gone
There is a feeling of peace, not war
There’s many of us now, like in days gone by, as our two tribes are combined together
We are okay
We are at peace / My heart beats in a funny way
We’re fine
I go up to the chief of the other tribe
He who returned the bow of King / Who radiates authority and power
I give him the same respect that I give to King
More
For it’s a way to show respect to this moment / That we are sharing together
I use my body to give respect but also to gesture for him and his other male folk
I communicate with my arms and my feet, like a dance, the success of the hunt
I gesture to the malefolk with the stronger upper body strength
To come with me to help carry the fat cow
And I start jogging back, and I stop,
And I give them a big wave saying ‘come on’
I try to gesture that their womenfolk will be safe there
That we are not going far
That everything is good
The malefolk of the other tribe come with me
Together we arrive to the cow
We will carry it together
Dragging it, pushing it, pulling it
It’s a heavy animal!
There’s no getting around that
And they understand and we move the cow together / It is not far to our camp
And we bring the fat cow back
And we don’t understand a word of each other
But we know that there is only one thing to do / With this great cow / Hunted together
There is anticipation in the air as both tribes stand quiet together
King stands grandiosely, calling attention to himself
He bows, giving respect to the other King
But it is clear that King is King
King is always King
King is moving like dancing / I can tell he is enjoying himself
He gestures that he will leave and return
And King comes back carrying fire
Having made it in secret / To not reveal the power of the firestone
And the other tribe gasps with amazement / For they cannot make fire
And the womenfolk have been smart and prepared a big fire pit
(Though I do notice they hadn’t finished setting it up until we’d brought that fat cow back)
Then, both tribes side by side work together
And there’s nothing but the fact that tonight
There will be a celebration
The day is still early
We are using the fire even though the light is still with us
We begin hacking apart the fat cow
The other tribe knows everything we know
Nothing is going to waste
We’ve got big rocks around the fire
We’re cutting pieces and on the rocks the cow’s flesh sizzles
Each woman is transforming meat into art with herbs and twine
While the children of the two tribes play together
As if they were from the same King
All are laughing and throwing more wood on the fire / Let us make the largest fire we have ever made
And even myself I am cooking meat with an eye to make sure mine is the best
I was a part of catching the cow after all
And why cannot my meat be the most delicious?
As we’re cooking the chief from the other tribe approaches the blaze
And taking a huge pile of leaves from a hidden pocket
He throws them on the fire
And a new smell I have not smelled before fills the air
Sweet as the sky and the grass combined
Suddenly, there’s a smoke and we all feel good
And safe
And with each other
Grandma has another grandma from the other tribe
The grandma from the other tribe starts singing something beautiful
And Grandma, not to be out done, though for sure she does not understand a word of the song
She grabs her bone flute, something she has not used with us for a very long time
She makes beautiful music
It’s really, really nice
And from the other tribe, some of the young girls, they start singing with their grandma
And they are beautiful
I can see them
I feel lust
Their beauty enters my blood
And there is the magic smoke in my lungs
And meat in the air
And the hunt is still around me
And here are my people who are not my people but then no one is my people
And it is as if I am flying, even though my feet feel the ground
I’m not used to seeing other people
We all begin eating the meat
The children are playing the games of children,
Who can be biggest
Who can be fastest
And we men and womenfolk join in
Who can be the loudest
Who can eat the most
Goliath did win that one
With King looking on with humour and obvious pride
And the other chief with a smile on his face
And the other chief throws more leaves on the fire
And there is magic in our feet / We begin jumping and the ground reverberates with rhythm
And the world feels more like colour than it feels like life
And the flute is my blood
And with the fire in the center now we are all in a circle
Not organized, but there is a pattern
We are waving our hands
Left, right, up, down
Forwards, backwards
Follow the person in your front
And feel the person behind follow you
As if we are one great creature
Follow the person to your left
Follow the person to your right
Call,
Call as an animal in the wild
Run to the middle and cry as a God
And another comes and joins you
And we are not just as an animal
But as the fire
A force that is not bound
We are building
There is the flute
And the bass deepness of our feet thumping on the ground
And the fire as our own sun
And our shadows leaping / Big as trees
And a moon or no moon, I cannot tell
In the light of our life
This is the sort of day where we are alive
Parts of life are accidental
Parts of life are intentional
Life as something we live but once
And now as the blue sky has faded it is clear that the moon is full
It is a full moon
It is a full moon
It is a full moon
Is God real?
The fire spreads into our hearts
The fire is in our genitals
And we start dancing and moving
Dancing free
Liberating
Our bodies shaking
Perspiration
Wild moving
Circling
In, out
Suddenly, I’m surrounded by the other tribe
Normally,
I’d be scared but I’m not
We’re together
Moving
Side by side
The most outer part of my hand
By accident
Rubs against one of the girls that’s singing
She feels it
It is like lightning
The energy of the air explodes
It is like the reverse of fire
I am absorbed in the touch
My brain is filled with the absence of anything
She is staring at me and she feels it too
There are many things in the world that I know I do not understand
We stare at each other and we are rotating around each other
Just for a second
I know that there is a way that I can act here
Or a way I cannot act here
That will change my life
Because the meaning of life is something related to what I am feeling
And I can move on and it disappears and the energy moves on
And perhaps I never encounter this feeling again
There is a choice
And I stare at her
And she barks into a laugh
She can feel my confusion and my indecision
She shuts her left eye then opens it again
Looks left, looks right
Then backs away, fading into the darkness
And my heart collapses and I am hurt as from a spear
Then she comes back to the circle again
And my heart is full
She is staring at me in the eyes / Wells as mysterious as the full moon / A smile radiating from her face
I understand that here is a language that is easier to speak than the one with our tongues
And she fades into the darkness again
And I follow her
And I follow her
Now I am scared
Death is in the darkness
But she is there and she is fearless
My God
I come
I feel the shock of touch again
She is there
Her hand resting on my arm
And I grab her
I push my lips onto her mouth
Then I push away,
But her hand is against my back, she is holding me close to her
She says something
She is holding me
So I hold her back
And we lie down
And we hold each other, side by side
And physicality is the purpose of existence
As a strong hypothesis
I don’t know if the way the night went is the purpose of this story
Except for the fact that another human being contains the mystery of reality
That night is and was something that I think about every passing of the sun
But as I am here in it
Knowing that the universe we have constructed will disappear as the light touches us
We are holding each other now
I am kissing her neck, biting her ear, having her lay her head on my chest
I feel so safe
Being naked together
The touch of each other
And the sun rises
And the magic is still in us
But time keeps moving
Perhaps time is immutable after all
An annoying limitation of this dimension
We go back to the circle
I stand with my tribe, she stands with hers
We bow to each other
The grandma from the other tribe turns around
The King from the other tribe turns around and starts walking
The grandma from the other side starts signing
King turns around and starts walking
Our Grandma starts to play the flute
Our tribes separate, where once we were together now we are increasing in distance
We will never see each other again
But the night that did exist
Something,
I cannot say in words what it means to me
More experiences like that should exist in our lives
Chapter IV
Time passes
The days change
The weather changes
Food is harder to come by
Children’s stomachs become round
Mother’s milk stops
The specter of death walking among us
Where have all the berries gone?
Where is the voice of the song birds?
The land is empty of animals
Every day we walk forward
The desolation remains constant
King tired and eyes grim
Though he is still full of fire
And every night we still make a fire
His eyes hooded
Grandma telling no stories
Nothing in the air but our hunger
Quiet
A child dies after eating dirt
We continue to go forward
We see on the horizon where the earth touches the sky
Spectacular mountains,
Jagged and fierce
Over the fire King tells us we must cross the mountains
On this side, where we are, is nothing but death
On the other side is the unknown
It is not our purpose to die here, hungry
We have a purpose, King tells us, even if we do not know it
We must grow towards it
Not give up
Not give up
He cannot promise what we find on the other side will be Eden
It may even be death
But it may be Eden
What is for sure
Is that the only thing that remains on this side
Is death
We go towards the mountains
All realities existing simultaneously
Ourselves in a position between all the realities
Death more likely than life
Yet, still the possibility of paradise
It is dependant on the choices we make / While we are blind to the outcome of our choices
Boiling roots and leaves to give us sustenance
Quiet as we march forwards
The air becomes cold
We know it will become colder
Death is in the air
A mother dies
We do not cry, our eyes are empty of tears
We muster the energy to cover her body in stones
The sadness in our hearts just a continuing burden
Up and up
The mountains grow larger in the sky
But no closer no closer
The weather cold
Our stomachs empty
The world around us in a forever quiet
Our bodies shrivelling in front of our eyes
Goliath a giant walking skeleton
The children becoming insects
The fire is still in King’s eyes
What if the mountains never come?
What if we all die before we reach them?
Moving forward forever
Stomachs distended
More death / We leave these uncovered
On the other side of the mountains is our only hope
Fighting the infinite
Inside our minds trying to create and fantasize new options
We are now in the middle of the mountains
How did we come here so suddenly?
The air so fragile and cold
King is taking us over the mountains through a pass
How did he know it was there?
Or does luck sometimes exist?
Green grass is under our feet again
One day, we wake up to bird song
Dallas captures the singing birds
And we eat them for dinner
Giving our children the eggs
Dallas dies that night, he’d eaten none of what he found
Sad, for here we are now on the other side
The endless journey does have an end / Though for many it was their infinite
They never knew that infinite had an end
There is a forest now and there are animals and we catch rabbits and we eat and Grandma starts telling stories again
King is tired
Many realities did not pass on us
We could not have predicted this reality
But King chose to make this reality happen
And for his guidance
We have our lives
Chapter V
And then my brother asks me
“Why is it you act this way?”
And I say to Goliath “This is the only way I know”
“All there is in the world is truth”
“Truth and goodness”
“And I am not the judge”
“I let my heart decide”
And then my brother asks me
“Why do you act this way?”
And I say to him that it is because this is the only way I know
“All there is in the world is truth”
“Truth and goodness”
“I speak as my heart tells me to”
And he looks at me in frustration
“Why can’t you just be normal?”
I tell him
“Goliath,”
“Why do you act this way?”
And he says because this is the way that a human being is supposed to be
And I ask him how does he know this?
And he says because it is obvious / It is how all the world acts
“Strength in the hunt”
“The raising of children”
“The leading of our people”
He is doing that which he is supposed to do
And then I ask him but what does your heart tell you?
And he looks at me irritated
“What does my heart have to do with this”
“What does that even mean?”
What I would love him to say is that he wants to impress me and impress all the world
And that he does this because he is afraid
Afraid of what if the world doesn’t love him
That he does not know himself
He is unaware if he is good or bad or the devil
But he does not give me the pleasure to say this
Instead, he looks at my with irritation
“You know it’s weird how you are acting? / You should not act this way?”
His words hurt me
“And then how should I act?”
“You should fill your role”
“But what is my role?”
“You can be whoever you want!”
“But then I choose to be as I am / And if I am right, then is that not okay? / And if I am wrong and I hurt no one, then am I not free to be myself? / I do not tell you to be anything else other than yourself”
“Don’t you? / Don’t your actions tell me that I am inferior? / Aren’t you always quietly judging me?”
“No, that is not the case / But I do think you judge me”
“Yes”
“But that does not bother me”
“Shouldn’t it?”
“For some it would / For you, I think it would”
“And why do you think you are so great?”
“I do not think I am great, I am just unsure if I am right or wrong / I could be wrong / I could be wrong / I don’t want to hurt anyone if it turns out I am wrong”
“But what if you have to make a choice?”
“A choice on what?”
“Isn’t life about choices about the unknown? / You could hurt someone without intention”
“Then I will do the best I can”
“And what is the best you can”
“Well, I will try my hardest to do the right choice / I will tear apart my mind, I will not be passive, I will dream and experiment, I will try to imagine all the quantum possibilities in my head, giving each and every one weight / Then close off all those options that are too likely to lead to the opposite of truth and goodness”
“And what if you make a choice then lightning strikes all the tribe dead? Because of your choice”
“Then that would be out of my control / But if it was to happen once, I would work to not let it happen again”
“How would you do that?”
“I would go to places where the trees are not scarred by lightning”
“But what if you don’t have fire and then you need fire?”
“We have fire”
“And if we did not? / How would you make the choice between finding fire from the falling lightning or avoiding death from falling lightning?”
“I would do the best that I can / There are endless paths open to us / Many are dead ends / Perhaps all are dead ends / But I will seek to kill the dead ends before they kill me / I will understand my mind and dream the universe around me / I will not make in the real world the same mistakes I make in my dreams / And when the universe decides to fight me / Then I will fight back”
“Whatever the costs?”
“Is this fight not the only thing that I have?”
“But how do you know what to do?”
“I will just try my hardest“
“And what if your hardest is not enough?”
“Then I will fail and hope that others better than me carry forward”
“Why do you talk like this?”
“Because it’s the only way that I know how”
“How can we come from the same childhood but be so different?”
“There is night and there is day but they are both parts of our life”
“What does that mean?”
“That we are different but the same”
“I don’t know why you can’t just be a better hunter, a better tribe member”
“Because we are going to all die very soon if we do not find a way to live better”
“That is not true”
“That is true / We almost just died of starvation, then we almost just died of cold / We see less life, less of our people / We are dying”
“I am alive”
“And so am I”
“We are not going to die”
“Some day we will die”
“The tribe will grow!”
“Is the tribe growing?”
“You can’t be so negative about everything!”
“We are talking about the death of our people”
“I believe we will stay alive!”
“I believe we have it in our destiny the potential to stay alive”
“What is the difference?”
“It is dependant on the choices we make”
“I think you are weighing down the tribe by your inability to focus”
“I do not question that is a potential truth / But I am trying as hard as I can / Everything is a potential truth until all the others are eliminated / There is only one truth and an infinite number of charades / I am seeking to follow the path of truth”
“Well just work a bit harder”
“Yes, brother, I will”
Chapter VI
A cry to shake the depths of the earth
Amen in the pangs of giving birth
Surrounded by womenfolk
King, Goliath and I shudder with each scream / Out of the way of the women
The giving of birth a terrible and beautiful miracle
There is silence between us
King to be a grandfather
Goliath and I sure the child is one of ours but not whose
Amen a beautiful flower and in pain
Death or life on our fingertips and in the air and the world is a mist and a confusion
Seeds grow towards the sky / Seeds stepped on never grow
King tells the story of the first time he made love
He was young and a boy and it was in the world that was closer to Eden even though Eden was still faded
There was a day where a girl just chose him, grabbed him by the hand and the cock and led him away
He didn’t say a word / Just lied on her and came so quickly and she just smiled and touched his lips with her finger and kissed him softly and walked off
They must have left the tribe for only five minutes
Goliath tells the story of his first time with a woman
He was in the full-moon and high on the fire
And he was by himself and alone in his mind
And a girl he refuses to name comes and talks to him
He had told many he’d already been with women / But it had not been the case
The girl was just talking to him
And he was scared, scared
And he wanted to lean forward and to touch her and to feel skin touch skin
But he could not
And he was trying to listen but none of her words came through his ears
And then she just said to Goliath “If you want to fuck me, you can fuck me / Just don’t cum inside me, I don’t want to have a baby right now”
And Goliath took off his clothes and penetrated her and came right away
And she was angry and would not talk to him for some time
But it was not Amen, it was not this baby
I suppose I am supposed to tell the story of my first time being with a woman
King is rocking back and forth, scared for Amen
I am scared for Amen
Goliath is scared for Amen
There is nothing in the air but fear
Soft Amen
The world takes
Screams in the air
The desire to move farther
As an ostrich, stick our head in the groud and hide from our terror
But we are going to listen, we are not going to move
We act as kings and leaders and men
But we were but bawling babes, brought from the womb of our mothers,
And many died,
Mother and sister,
Mother and brother,
All the worlds that could have been,
All the worlds they could have dreamed of and built
We must not hide from the death of those who might have been us
The fact we survived is the outlier
Life such a surprise
When death and emptiness such the norm of the universe
In most realities I am not here
“I am not sure the time I was first with a woman”
“I thought I’d been with a woman the first time we kissed in the night and she touched my arm and we never touched more than that”
“I was worried I had done something wrong / And perhaps a baby would grow from her mouth”
“The first real time was after that, when I thought we were together and she was mine and I was hers”
“And she told me that she’d wanted me to fuck her and I hadn’t and it hurt her, because she’d wanted to have been fucked and I had just lain there”
“And I had thought my restraint had pleased her”
“And then I was scared of her, that I could not please her, that she did not like me”
“And I was unsure of what to do and I hid from her”
“And I told people we’d fucked / But we hadn’t”
“And I’d told people we were together / But we weren’t”
“And she would treat me like normal and I would look at my feet in shame”
“Then, later, I was drunk on the full moon”
“There was dancing in every direction and I was having none of it”
“Staying away, with the old ones / And they would ask me ‘Why am I not with the young ones?’ and I would just stumble”
“And I could tell they understood and understood better than I”
“And then I just got up, bravery in my blood for a moment I did not let pass”
“As if walking off a cliff into the river: I told my feet to walk”
“And I told my brain not to think”
“And I went and there she was dancing and free and there was a group and they were all merry”
“And I walked up and I took her hand and did not say a word and I took her to the bushes”
“And I sang to her and it was terrible”
“And I fucked her and I came so fast and she rolled her eyes”
“But we lay next to each other and in the morning we fucked again”
“And she told me ‘slower’ and I went slower”
“And I could hear gasps in her throat”
“And then we kept fucking and I came hard”
“And was it Amen?”
“No it was not Amen”
I remember the time lightning striked so close that there was a fire in my beard
I am scared of the night and if there is no fire I will not sleep
I remember my mother carrying me on her back in the middle of the march, singing songs / My only memory of my mother
I am scared of being an old man and dying and every day I grow weaker
What if I do not accomplish those things I feel I have the potential in my destiny?
I am unsure if I am worthy of love
Sometimes I act without thought
I often feel that I am incapable of being loved
I often feel that I am incapable of giving love
There is a woman’s moan and then a cry in the bush
A human cry, a baby cry
We all stay in silence and hold our silence and somehow we are all touching each other, shoulder to shoulder, we look in each other’s eyes
A father and a grandfather stand in this group for the first time / We hold each other and give each other support
Today,
There is not death,
There is new life
Part 2
Chapter VII
And then suddenly day becomes night
As we walk it as if the sun has lost its fire
We are in total blackness
I am scared
What if the sun does not come again?
What evil is this?
This has not happened before
The moment is eternity
Is this my death?
Is this the death of the universe?
King and Goliath both hold fire and it keeps the darkness at bay
Women and children wail
King booms in a loud voice
“Do not be afraid”
“I have not experienced this before, but there are many things in the world to experience”
“Remember, we have made fire”
“And even here”
“As the fire of the sky disappears”
“The fire that we, man, have made / Still endures”
“If we had not made this fire then we would be in blackness”
“But from our hands we have created light”
“And with this light we will endure”
“Do not be afraid”
“Even though there is much to be afraid of”
“For the world is always trying to doom us”
“With hunger and cold and disease and war and injury”
“But it is our choice to endure”
“And whatever this new evil is”
“We will endure it too”
And while he speaks the sun comes back, blinding in a way that forces us to look away
And it is as if it was never gone
We carry on our march
In the evening King comes to me and asks if I will go for a walk
It is dusk and the sky is a blue as deep as the deepest lake
We walk and speak of small things
The best berries to pick in the area
The sweet smell of the trees
How they would fit right into Eden
We do not talk about the disappearance of the sun
Even though it is on my mind
King stops / Grabs my hands / He has a tremble / He looks in my eyes
He asks me if I know the story of my own life
I do not know what to say
I know my parents are dead and we do not talk of them
I know that I am not from this tribe / Everyone in the tribe is related by blood / But none of their blood runs through my veins
I know that it is something I am not supposed to talk about
Something I am not supposed to think about
I tell him I do not know my own story
He asks me if I want to know
I am not sure that I want to know / I force my voice to say: yes, I want to know
King tells me that he killed my father / And that he and his people killed all of those related to me by blood / The genocide of my people
His hands that hold my hands were red with my father’s blood
That he planned it and took part
The story goes like this
Back when King was a young man, and the tribe was bigger, and King had his own King, and King was a dauphin
Times were better than they are now
But the times seemed to be at their very worst
Eden was more fresh in the tribes mind
The old women and old men could still talk about it as something that even if they had not seen, their parents had seen
Hunger was a new challenge
The witnessing of children with distended stomachs
Witnessing the death of children
These were sights that the tribe was not used to
This was a time before the firestone / Since, in the past, fire had been easy to find
The land had been bountiful and food had been easy
But now the world had changed
Fire was found and enjoyed and a wonder when it was received
It was as the rain bringing fresh water to an arid plain
When the fire would fall from heaven King’s tribe would rush to the site
And, if luck was this day over their head
They would find the fire alive
A gift from the sky
With fire they could light the forest on fire
And drive out the animals into their waiting arms
With fire they could cook the food
And feel more satisfied
With fire, they could quell the terror of the night
The fire was precious
The tribe would have their King at the front carrying a torch
And the dauphin at the back carrying a torch
And in the middle another torch being carried
And there was never a time where the fire was not being carefully watched
If one fire went out, then it would quickly be rekindled by another
This would serve to keep the fire alive for days
Weeks
But rarely months
Eventually the rain would come and quench the torches
Or a great gust of wind would knock the tribe to the ground
And with it extinguish the fire
And when the fire was gone
Then the people of the tribe would again be hungry
Again have the terror of the night
Then, as now, extinction reigned
The tribe was not a tree growing towards the sky
But a seed in the darkness of a cave
Receiving no nourishment
Not empowered to flourish
In these times, there would be more meeting of tribes
While in the time of Eden other tribes would be full of peace
In these times of hardship the tribes would fear each other
Envying after their resources
Real or imagined
Some tribes would have fire
And it could be shared, or traded
Or used as a weapon
And there was no predicting if a hand would be extended in friendship
Or used to cast stones
During a time without fire,
When things had been especially bad
And death had become a sight as common as the rising sun
Another tribe without fire came to the small lake they were camped on
This was a tribe unlike others
Their numbers were not large
But they were well fed
Their skin clear
They still had laughter in the air
These were the people of Moses
A lost tribe
They saw the suffering and starvation of King’s people
And left food on a large rock
It was a gesture of friendship
And a gesture of unimaginable wealth
King’s King sent King to understand these new people
How could they have so much / When King’s people had so little
King, as a warrior in his prime
And the dauphin
Was to scout and understand
What he witnessed was something he had never seen
In the evening, from his perch spying
Completely invisible to the new tribe
He witnessed the King of the new tribe / Take a stone from around his neck
And with a simple but powerful gesture
Make sparks fly from the rock
Onto dry tinder
And a fire now existed
Where before there had been no fire
Now there was fire
Just as if from the sky
But instead from the hands of man
King went back and talked to his King
One on one
And explained to him exactly what he saw
The rock being used to make fire
The power of the sky in a stone
King’s King said this
“Our people are starving and dying”
“We will disappear soon”
“This is my family”
“We witness the lion chase a gazelle for food”
“These other people are not my people”
“The survival of my people / Is the most important thing”
“We must take the firestone from them”
“And use it to save our people”
“We could ask them to share”
“I appreciate the generosity they have already shown us”
“But if they say no”
“Then they will be ready to defend the firestone”
“And we will not be able to beat them in our weakened state”
King and King’s King made a plan
A plan of evil to befall on the people of Moses / A plan to steal the firestone
They told the rest of their tribe the truth: that the other tribe had a way to make fire
And that for their survival they must take it
What they did was this
They brought their singers and dancers together / Wearing all their finery
And went to the edge, as a full tribe, to where the Fire Tribe was camped
Our singers sang songs of wind, the sun and love
Our dancers kicked rhythm into the earth
We still had the food that the Fire Tribe had brought us
And what we did, without fire, was to make a feast
We danced and enjoyed and became hedonistic
The Fire Tribe saw our merriment
And, instead of showing fear, decided to make merry with us
Just as we have done in the present with the other tribe
They expanded their circle
And allowed us to join them at their fire
They gave us torches to plant among our people / A gift of fire
Our King’s King put on the fire our strongest magic leaves
And it was a celebration of man brought together
Perhaps the two tribes could become one tribe
Man becoming more in the face of annihilation
Goodness growing from its fight with darkness
There was a hypothesis
This could have happened
But what if in the morning the other tribe left?
And then King and his people would have fire for some time
But then lose it again
And begin to starve again
In the deepest of the night
While the other tribe slept
Each and every man and women of King’s tribe silently awoke
And, acting as one
Used rocks they had piled
Smashed in the heads of the people of the Fire Tribe
Each and every man, woman and child
They were fast and efficient
By the time cries and screams were heard
It was already too late
The momentum had already begun
The massacre was over quickly after it started
Except that the King of the Fire Tribe was not there
He was not among his people
And there was no firestone
King’s people began to hunt for the King of the Fire Tribe
Just as they would hunt a wild animal
King was the one to find him
Sitting under a tree / With a small stream behind him
A baby in his arms / The firestone around the neck of the baby
He did not say anything / His eyes black holes
King went to him
And with a rock smashed his head
The head of the King of the Fire Tribe crushed like a melon
King took the firestone from the neck of the baby
But then, just as he was going to pulverize the baby
The moon was obliterated from the sky
Just like the sun had disappeared today
And a true blackness descended around King
King wondered if the world had decided to eat him for his evil
He spent an eternity feeling the warm blood on his hands
The darkness so absolute that he could see inside his own soul
Gravity weighing the rock in his hands towards the baby
And the wail of the baby in his ears
King felt the weight of sin
The moon came back
But the fire of killing had abandoned King’s hand
He took the baby and the firestone to his King
He showed his King the motion of how to start the fire
And now, they could make fire
But King’s King told King to not share the secret
For if others had the secret then they would be able to kill King
But as long as they had the secret
They were not men
But nature / Lightning / Gods
King did not ask if he could keep the baby
But raised it as his own
And of course the baby was Moses
King stopped talking
Night was beginning to blacken the day
Moses did not say anything
He had already known in his heart this story
King looked at him with shadows blocking his face
“I am telling you this because for every day, for every moment since I used a rock to take the lives of your people, I have known that my life has been lived in error”
“I had been so sure that my purpose was to see the survival of my people”
“But then, even having won that victory, I have seen my people continue to perish”
“Continue to go hungry”
“The firestone did not bring us back to Eden”
“What I reflect on is that we were, for a moment, back in Eden”
“When we were with the other tribe”
“Around the fire”
“Expanding the circle”
“We were better together for it”
“We had lost many”
“But could have gained more”
“Then we listened to the worst part in our hearts”
“We listened to the part that said ‘These others will do evil to us, so let us do evil first’”
“And our only victory has been the death of a chance at Eden”
“Our victory was in fact a defeat”
“And myself, I know that for all the good I may do in the world”
“The blood on my hands has spoiled the story of my life”
“And even in the infinite of the universe”
“I will never be anything except an enemy to man”
“An enemy to the potential that humans have to grow, flourish and fulfill our cosmic purpose”
“I am the disease that kills people”
“I am a murderer”
“And so are my people”
“But those who did not kill do not have blood on their hands”
“And they still have hope”
“While those who have blood on their hands, of who I am the last”
“Our spirits are to be annihilated”
“Even if I do good”
“My spirit must be annihilated”
“And no memory held for the life I lived”
“Moses”
“Our people are dying”
“Not just the people of our tribe”
“But our species”
“I will die soon”
“Death is in my air / I can feel it”
“The sun disappearing today is linked to the moon disappearing”
“Today is a reminder of the day I killed your father”
“If I do not die tomorrow, then it will be before the next full moon, or before the next time a baby is born”
“My time is being counted”
“I need to tell you this now”
“When I die”
“You must be the one who leads our tribe”
“Not Goliath”
“For though Goliath does not carry my sins”
“I am sure Goliath would repeat them again / For he cannot comprehend the evil of murder / Until after comitting the act of murder”
“But you / The last of your blood / Understand the terror of genocide / You comprehend the evil of murder”
“You will not choose to kill your fellow man”
“We must grow from my mistakes”
“You must find a way to make the circle of mankind grow”
“Not shrink”
“We must not go extinct”
“We have not fulfilled our purpose in the universe yet”
“I am sorry for the terror that I befell on your family”
“You must not forgive me / I must accept my punishment”
“You must be better than my weakness”
“Myself and my blood could have chosen any destiny”
“But instead we chose the destiny of death”
“And that will only lead to more death”
“You have the capacity to choose a destiny greater than this”
“And then, my own people shall be free”
“For no baby is born with the sin of their father”
“And through your goodness, my people shall become your people”
“And good shall triumph over evil”
“And my own story will be forgotten”
“Replaced with the story of goodness”
Chapter VIII
It is the night and we huddle around the fire and King is dying and near death
His raspy breathing hurts my soul
He who was so strong is now so weak
There is silence except for the crackle of fire, the soft whisper of the wind and the rasp of King’s final breaths
“Please, hear my voice / While it is still in me to say it”
“I appreciate my doom is here before me”
“As I know how I lived my life”
“I comprehend what awaits me in death”
“There will be no afterlife for me”
“My body will be absorbed into the ground”
“And be nourishment for bugs and flowers”
“Hopefully, they flourish”
“In my life I tried for good”
“I never gave up on the energy that I brought to all of you”
“But I sacrificed my soul long ago”
“I took the life of my fellow man”
“And I sacrificed my soul”
“Long ago”
“I had hoped there was atonement”
“I do believe now that there is atonement”
“But not in a way that saves me”
“Not in a way that saves my soul”
“But, perhaps, in the example of my life”
“Then you, the people that I love, the future of my species”
“Will be my own afterlife”
“Please listen and know that I do not know myself if there is truth in my words”
“But what I am aware of is that these are the last words of my life”
“I am weak, so please come close”
“First, know that it is proper to defend yourself”
“You must not allow those who would do evil to be unchallenged”
“Letting yourself die unprotected is its own form of murder”
“And I am sure as long as there is those who will do good / There will be those who do evil”
“Protect yourselves / For our purpose is precious”
“But do not cast the first stone”
“Those that cast the first stone are not my people”
“We must come together as a species”
“We cannot tear ourselves apart”
“And those that would tear others apart”
“We will not cast the first stone against”
“But nor will we save them”
“For that is not our purpose”
“Our purpose is something more holy”
“Something to do with the concepts of infinite”
“The way the light comes from the sun to awaken flowers”
“We awaken in the morning and wonder what our purpose is”
“And we do not know”
“We awaken as a baby in our mothers arms and wonder what our purpose is”
“And we do not know”
“Here I die, surrounded by my loved ones”
“And I wonder what my purpose is”
“And still, I do not know”
“But I know that a life well lived serves a higher purpose”
“That a life well lived impacts the smallest grain of sand and the greatest reaches of the universe”
“All things that exist are connected”
“A common thread through all existence”
“Infinite’s rising ahead of us”
“I do not know the future”
“But I fear extinction”
“And I fear extinction before man serves our purpose to the universe”
“I cannot tell you how to live a life, outside of not casting the first stone”
“But what I do know,”
“What I do know”
“Is that the entirety of the potential of mankind and the universe”
“Is in every single one of us”
“Is in all our ancestors”
“Is in all our descendants”
“Is in every single moment”
“And that the purpose of existence will not be revelation as a flash”
“But an understanding of something universal that is already in us”
“So obvious we never thought to ask”
“And I hope that by following our most true hearts”
“That voice that lives in our most secret mind”
“We do discover”
“That revelation, which is our purpose in the universe”
“I thank you for letting me live my life with you”
“And I trust that as we are all warriors”
“At war with the existence that seeks nothing but our annihilation”
“That we remember the lesson of the flower”
“A simple story of sun and good soil / And growing towards its purpose”
“We can fight and flourish like the flower”
“We will carry on with our holy mission / Like the flower”
“I wish you the very best of luck”
“I am glad I am not the last man alive”
“If there is an afterlife, I will pray for all of you”
King did not die that night
But he did not speak again
And the light left his eyes
And the rasp of his breathing weakened
And soon he was dead
I will mourn him
He who killed my father
He who was the only father I ever knew
What is it for man to be able to commit a sin that is unpardonable?
I will mourn him
Goliath asks me to go for a walk
Just after the last breath escaped King
And Grandma began wailing
He tells me that King told him earlier that he wanted I, Moses, to lead
But that at the very end he told Goliath that it should be Goliath who leads
That my time will come
But that our people need the blood of King in their leader
I look at him and I diminish in myself
Is it not for me to rise up and stop this usurpation?
King had a wish
And I diminish in myself
I ask Goliath why he wants to lead
He tells me that he knows the destiny of his people
That he sees the promised land
He asks me if I see the promised land? / If I know the path?
I tell him the truth: I do not
He asks me how can I be the leader if I do not know the direction to lead
I give him silence / And I diminish
He tells me he will be a good leader
He tells me he will be the best leader our people could hope for
I tell him then I will follow him as I followed King
To which he says “No, you shall follow me as Goliath”
We walk back to the tribe / Him head held high / Myself diminished
Chapter IX
Goliath is King
Goliath is Goliath
He speaks with his heart
I respect him for this
The words he says are not the words of King
But then Goliath is Goliath
He speaks like this
“There was a time when we were in Eden”
“And the land provided for us”
“And everything was good”
“We are not in Eden anymore”
“And I tell you: I know the reason”
“King told me the answer as he died”
“Our killing of the firestone’s people was a sin”
“And for this sin the magic in the firestone has laid a curse on us”
“But we must fear not”
“For in our sin is our salvation”
“As I hold the firestone, I can feel that it is as the sky and the water and the moon”
“It is a Force”
“The firestone is a God”
“As I sleep I can hear its voice”
“And what it whispers to me in my dreams”
“Is that it will lift the curse it has put on our tribe”
“If we atone for our sins”
“By bringing the firestone back across the mountain”
“Back to Eden”
“Back to its own people”
“Where we shall beg forgiveness”
“And seek to build a future together / As one tribe”
“And we shall regain our lost paradise”
“It is this that the firestone has told me”
“We shall be cursed with death and hunger and fear”
“Until we do as the firestone says”
I question what Goliath is saying, but I see that he is seeking goodness
And a path forward
The mountain path scares me
Death stalked us there before
But the others are willing to follow Goliath
Here I have a choice
I know I have a choice
I always have a choice
King told me to lead
And the path in my heart is different than the path Goliath suggests
I do not believe that the firestone, treasure from my own people, is anything but a very special rock
It holds no voice
So then whose voice is leading Goliath?
Who is speaking in his dreams?
I do not believe going back to Eden is our salvation
Our elders left Eden as a wasteland
To go over the mountains to a wasteland is dangerous
There can be no atonement made to the firestone people
My own people
Because I know they are all dead
That I am the last
There is no atonement owed by anyone living
The killers are dead
King was the last
Now, we may not be trapped by this sins of the past
We must learn from our past to build a better future
We must not let King’s life have been in vain
We must not let my people’s lives have been in vain
There is no purpose to find the bones of my mother and father and brothers and sisters
Whom I cannot remember
But who I still look in the stars and see
I have a choice
And if I choose to force my choice on the tribe
Then there will be a fight / A sin when we are so diminished
The right choice and the wrong choice at the same time
Or
I can choose to follow Goliath
And deny my heart
That which my heart tells me is truth
But avoid conflict
The wrong choice and the right choice at the same time
It is as the Heisenburg uncertainty principle
Either I interject my will
And change the trajectory of our people
Perhaps for the worse / Perhaps for the better
Or I follow
And do not know myself
I never asked for existence
But here I am
Being superimposed between the two choices
A choice must be made
Time flowing in a single dimension
Like a river full of forks
Today, I will follow Goliath
And I know that what starts today
Leads into tomorrow
I have chosen
I am living my life in vain
It is a sin, I know this
Chapter X
The tribe walks towards the mountains that rise to touch the evening moon
Piercing deep into the sky, like the teeth of an old woman
Goliath leads, holding the firestone as a totem
All others follow, I follow
We are more quiet than before
We remember those who died the last time we crossed these same mountains
I remember Dallas finding eggs to feed our children / Then dying that same night
In the evenings Goliath has us circle around him
Before he will set the fire he demands we recite words
We must apologize for our sins to the firestone
We must thank the firestone for making our fire
In the first days we address the firestone directly
As the days pass Goliath tells us to address him, not the firestone
For he is the translator of the firestone
One day Goliath tells a young girl
“You have not thanked the firestone properly”
He asks her to come with him for a lesson on the firestone
Alone and away
When she comes back she is a woman
Such is the way of the world
The firestone begins to tell Goliath many things
That he should have the best choice of food
That the leaf we smoke in the evenings should be only for him
That those whose attitude is not correct are disobeying the firestone
And the firestone asks for the punishment of the disobedient
Every night,
We thank the firestone
We thank the firestone through Goliath
And this bothers me
The firestone is just a stone
It is not a person
It is not a god
It is an object
One day while we are thanking the firestone
By thanking Goliath
I decide to push back
Just softly
“Goliath”,
I say
“It is good for us to be thankful, but does the firestone really have a voice?”
Goliath jumps over to me and hits me on the side of the head with the firestone
Hard
I am on the ground
I am unable to see
The world is a series of colours I am unfamiliar with
Perhaps this is death?
But no, the colours clouding my vision part
Leaving terrific pain and the voice of Goliath
Not addressing me, instead addressing all the others
“We have been given the gift of fire from the firestone”
“This is what gives us heat in the evening”
“This is what makes our food so rich”
“This is what keeps us safe from the beasts of the night”
“The firestone is our God”
“We must do what it says”
“It has already shown us its power”
“It has taken Eden from us”
“If we anger the firestone it will take away what little we have left”
“Do you want our children to starve?”
“We must not anger our God”
“I know what it says”
“It speaks to me”
“All day I hear the voice of the firestone”
“And I tell you it is angry with us”
“It is angry for it knows our hearts are not pure”
“I have told the firestone that my heart is pure”
“But the firestone tells me it is not the case of those around me”
“And I tell the firestone how can that be?”
“Everynight each and every one of our tribe swears to the firestone”
“We are a pure people / Without lies”
“And then”
“And then”
“I hear Moses blaspheme against the firestone”
“And I know that again the firestone has spoken the truth”
“Moses, I will strike you dead”
“Brother that you are to me”
“If you do not accept the holiness of the firestone”
“The fact that it is our life / That we are its servants”
“You are the last of the firestone’s people”
“How can you be the most unappreciative?”
“But now the mysterious words of the firestone are making sense to me”
“I now know the truth!”
“King did not sin by taking the firestone from your people”
“King liberated the firestone!”
“For your people were blasphemous”
“And did not worship the firestone as it demanded”
“And in your pride”
“In your lack of worship”
“The firestone used King and our people as a tool”
“For the firestone is too precious to be worshipped insufficiently”
“Moses,”
“You are wrong”
“The firestone tells me you are wrong”
“The firestone tells me that you are a sinner”
“That you are against the magic that the firestone brings to us”
“And while I love you”
“As my father King loved you”
“I tell you, you must leave”
“You must leave our tribe”
“I exile you”
“For there can be no crack in our servitude to the firestone”
“For a crack can spread”
“And we are chasing Eden”
“The survival of our people”
“Not doom / And decay / And death”
“As you bring”
“Leave, brother”
“Leave or I shall kill you”
“All,”
“My people”
“Gather stones”
“And we will give Moses a moment”
“For the firestone does not tell me to kill my brother”
“But that he is a threat”
“And as we would throw stones at an animal that threatens our babes”
“So will we throw stones at Moses”
“He who threatens something even more important than our babes”
“The very existence of our species”
“Which only exists at the pleasure of the firestone”
“Go my brother”
“Go Moses”
“Go now”
My head is in pain
I see the others and I look to meet any eye
But none stare at me
Children gather stones / Obeying Goliath
Amen looks at her feet / Grandma stands behind Goliath
None stare at me
I do not know what is in their hearts
Be it fear or worship or other
Be it fear or worship or the other
What I know is that no one will help me
And I do not wish to die here today
I take my possessions and I walk away
Into the cold
Into exile
Knowing in my heart
That the thread of the future that is most open to me
Is death in the wild
My string of existence extinguished
What sin is there in me?
What sin is there in my heart?
What sin is there in my heart / That has led to my extermination,
And to the extermination of my people?
Why is my soul stained with sin?
For surely the universe has chosen to punish me for my sins
But King said the next generation does not carry the sin of its fathers
That there is no original sin
And for all that the world has cursed me / I still trust my heart
I renounce my curse
I renounce my destiny
I renounce every strand of reality except the one that is the truth in my heart
I will trust only what is true inside my heart, no matter the cost
I know death and annihilation are always at hand
That existence is a thin blanket in the void of non-existence
I know that of the billion realities that could be / The one I chase is unlikely to pass
But I shall still only follow the truth in my heart
For following the truth is the meaning of my life
As I walk into exile I shed my past weakness as a snake sheds its skin
I undergo metamorphosis
I choose now, in my exile, to name the truth in my heart God
And I create a name for the truth in my heart
For Truth is Asha
And I create a name for the purpose in following Asha
For Purpose is Dharma
Our Purpose is our Dharma / And our Dharma is to follow Asha / And our Asha is Truth / The Truth of our heart
I know in my heart that the firestone is not God
It is nothing but a stone that Goliath has transformed into an idol
And while that can have meaning,
The meaning that we give it
It can give direction to an aimless person
It is the wrong answer
To the right question
What then does my own heart say?
As I walk away from my tribe
The only people with ten fingers and ten toes that I have seen in many sunrises
I discover,
In my heart
And through the quantum pathways of my neocortex / As they remember infinite / As they operate outside of time
I discover
Several truths
Every piece of me
Every string of DNA
Every atom
Has hardcoded in it a truth that is divine
Divine in the way that Goliath has given to the firestone
But coming from within
Not from without
At every moment of my life I have heard the song that lives so deep inside me
A music that washes over the whole of existence
That which tells the flower to grow towards the sun
And the earth to provide nurture to the flower
This same truth vibrates over all existence
Surrounding us as the water surrounds a fish
So universal that we do not see it
It is Asha
Asha is Truth
Asha is the aether
Asha is what we carry from before the big bang
Asha is what tells the flower to rise towards the sun
Asha is what is at the very end of a neural pathway
Asha is physical / Asha is spiritual / Asha is in every moment
Asha is Truth
Why have I ignored the song of Asha in my heart?
Why have I not followed my Asha?
Because I am a follower?
But to follow in opposition to Asha is a sin
I have followed the darkness because to follow the light is just too hard
I have not been strong enough to follow my Asha
I must be strong enough to follow my Asha
Even if the world shall turn to fire
And there is but one safe place
And all others go to safety inside this sanctuary
If the truth of my Asha
That thread which is in me every moment of my life
Tells me “NO”, do not go
Then I shall not follow the rest of humanity
Then what is my Dharma? / The purpose of my life?
It is the same for a man as for a flower
It is the easiest thing to know / And the hardest thing to do
Just follow Asha
I just need to follow the truth of my Asha to live a good life
This is my Dharma
For existence is a fools game
Flowers bloom / Then fall to the earth and become dirt
Most of existence will decay away
A wave that disappears, leaving no ripple
But not all existence must decay away
Chaos theory just half of reality
For, as with the wind from the wings of a butterfly
Or a single drop of rain
A change at the right place
At the right time
Can transform the universe
The universe always has the potential of metamorphosis
Just as our bodies are a universe
That before birth existed
And after death will exist
For we are matter and matter is energy
And energy can neither be created or destroyed, just transformed
The fundamental equation of the universe being energy equals energy
We have a purpose
We have a purpose
And our purpose is to follow the Asha in our heart
To not hide from the voice that is in every moment of our existence
For lying in the face of Asha
Is original sin
I have been weak
But in my isolation I shall be weak no longer
I will follow this Truth / Asha / Dharma / Purpose / The Holy Spirit
And with it, I have the potential to unlock the universe
Whatever that may mean, I do not know
But I know that by not following Asha
All there is / Is darkness
The extinguishing of the infinite strand of hope
I will go hand in hand with my heart
There is a piece of truth in my heart that I can understand
A spiritual Polaris
A translation of theory into the world around me
It is not in my purpose to witness my people
The people of the tribe that exterminated my only blood
To exterminate themselves
The extermination of my brothers and sisters is not Asha
The extermination of my brothers and sisters is not my Dharma
I follow the tribe from a distance
Easily following the smoke of the fire
As I follow
I begin to make a prayer in my heart
That from this day forward
I will say every day / Until my dying day
Be that tomorrow or in the future when the sun extinguishes forever
I will say it as I wash myself
The prayer is like this
“Thank you my God”
“For this day”
“I hope that I see beauty, share beauty, revel in beauty and be beauty”
“May I be ever expanding peace, perfection and grace”
“Mind, body and soul”
“May I be as a tree”
“Absorbing all that the world throws at me”
“But putting out only goodness”
“May I be as a seed”
“Growing towards my purpose”
“My God,”
“May I this day”
“As a leader or a follower”
“The first or the last”
“Standing on the shoulders of giants”
“Giants standing on my own shoulders”
“Alone, or with a tribe”
“With your hand on my hand, on the tiller of my life”
“May we work towards a quantum optimization”
“Of myself and those around me”
“To be scalably empowered”
“To achieve our cosmic purpose”
“Just as a seed grows into a tree transforms into a star”
“Or Gravity brings mass together”
“To supernova”
“To form black holes”
“May human beings be empowered to fulfil our cosmic purpose”
“May I be unwavering and disciplined as I seek my quantum optimization”
“Watch over those that I love”
“May I make today count”
I continue forward
Every step may be a step where I fall
Struck by lightning
Attacked by an animal
But every step that the universe deigns to give me
Is a step forward
And I will not squander it
I have fear
But I will not be defined by my fear
I will follow my Dharma
I will follow Asha
Part 3
Chapter XI
I am asleep
I know I am asleep because I just fell asleep
Alone, with the faint light of the tribe in the distance
Worried about beasts of the night devouring my flesh
The things one worries about in the night alone
And now I am awoken
This must be a dream
Or it is death
Or some other realm which I do not know
I do not normally dream
But I think this may be a dream
This feeling of reality
The ground feels like the ground
The air smells like the air, crisp
I am sitting by the fire
King is telling a story
The rest of the tribe is here
Not as we are
But as we were long ago
Dallas still with us
Amen with the beauty of untapped youth
Even myself, my legs have an energy
As if I should dance
A smile plays on Grandma’s lips
She looks at me / And I think she knows what is going on
I know this is not real
But I wrap myself in it
The comfort of the fire and King’s voice
Carrying me away
This was a time of peace
How nice it was
How nice it was
My head is nodding off
Falling asleep in my own dream
I stand and walk over to the sleeping area
Putting my feet towards the fire
Curling with the children and others, all of us keeping warm
I vaguely wonder if going to sleep in a dream means I will wake up in reality
That would be too bad
It is nice in this dream
If I could just stay here forever
Is that what death is?
The air stays crisp
As the universe melts away around me
Asleep
Then
Shouting
It is Dallas
Alive and vibrant
Shaking me
“Moses!”
“We are in danger”
“We are being attacked”
“Come quickly”
I jump to my feet”
And Dallas is running
And I follow after him
I yell at him
“What is happening?”
He does not respond
I keep running
It is just the two of us
I stop and he stops
“You must come”
“Do you not care about our safety?”
The sky is a colour between blue, purple and grey
“I do not understand”
I am asleep again
But still in the dream
Dallas has gone
And I am now waking up
And Amen is curled next to me
And it feels good to have this warm body next to me
I look down at her
And she looks up at me
And smiles
And I smile back
She whispers to me
“Our child will have your eyes”
“I am sure”
“And we shall name the child Messiah”
“For whether a boy or a girl”
“He will be the saviour”
“She will be the saviour”
“Tell me you will sacrifice anything”
“For our child”
I look to her
Confused
And stroke her hair
And say nothing
And she says again
“Tell me”
And I should tell her
But what is it she is telling me?
I look at the sky
And I see the stars of the universe
Infinite black
With pinholes of luminescence
Down is up
Up is down
I am awake
There is a spear in my hand
There is a sobbing adolescent at my feet
Goliath is shouting at me
“He was the one who told the tribe where your people are”
“He was fucking one of our girls”
“And we caught him and he told us the magic of the firestone”
“To save himself!”
“Strike him down”
“For the honour of your father”
“For the honour of your mother”
I throw the staff down
And I begin running away
The air tasting acrid
Goliath shouts after me
“You are a-tribe-one, last of your own people”
I am awoken again
Dallas and Amen and Goliath are here
“It is time”
“We must go”
“You must follow us”
“You must trust us”
I wish as a child to shut my eyes / To cover my ears
And avoid the universe that is displayed around me
These are not the trajectories that I wish to go through
These are not the quantum paths that I wish to live through
This is not Asha
I want to be myself
I stand and run
And they chase me
Dallas on my back,
His teeth suddenly in my flesh
Goliath taking a giant rock
That I see crashing towards my head
And above his hands
Again the night sky
And then I find myself floating in blackness
Nothing but my mind
I cannot feel my body
And then I am in a cave
And it is full of the light of the day
But we are fully inside
Where does this light come from?
King is sitting on a chair,
The grandeur of which I have never seen before
Light comes from him
As water comes from a waterfall
He looks to me
“Moses,”
“How did you come to be here?”
“What takes you here today?”
“No one is supposed to visit me here”
“Only the very few”
“Tarkovsky was the last”
“What can I do for you?”
Words come out of my mouth but they are not my own words
Then I blink and the world is changed
It is still King
But he looks tired
And the light has stopped coming from him
“Moses, how did you come to be here?”
“You are the the last one here before Taerkoevskiy”
“Can you do me a favour?”
And I stand and begin running again
And King shouts
“Why do you run?”
And then I see Amen
“Why do you run?”
And Goliath and Dallas and Amen and King are chasing me
And I run
And then there is Grandma
Under a tree
In darkness / Wrapping her like the wings of a raven
“RUN!”
And I keep running
And there is a cliff in front of me
And if I go over the cliff I shall surely perish
And my feet carry me over the cliff
And I am not dead
I am in a field of grass
And the field of grass is on fire
And the air is an orange haze
And death is chasing me at every angle
And in these grasses my doom is searching for me
And as the fire scours searching for me
I lie on my back
Feeling the ground
And I look to the sky
And it is black
And full of stars
And I fall into it
As if through the meniscus of a flat body of water
My changing from matter to energy to time
And it feels as if the entire world is made of rainbows
And a sense that is like seeing
Or touching
Is given to me
And it was not there before
It is like being a tree
With roots connecting me to the universe around me
I can feel my before
I can feel my after
All at the same time
As if they are one and the same
And I see these black ants eating my flesh
And I wonder if I can breath
And there is no oxygen
My lungs screaming
But then a new lung opens
And I breath in the air of a new aether
I awaken again
This time alone
With the faint vision of the fire in the distance / Surrounding Goliath’s tribe
I am worried about hostile animals
Coming to savage my soft body
I am worried for Goliath and Dallas and Amen and King
Those who are not the real thems
But the black ants eating my trunk
What is this cancer inhabiting their minds?
I am scared and alone
But yet
I am also the great tree that I was in my dream
I can feel my backwards and I can feel my forwards
Was this feeling always here?
It is so obvious how I am connected in the world
The past an infinite number of variables
Combining at this exact point of who I am
The future an infinite number of variables
Exploding forward
From this very moment
Who I am
I have choice
The future comes from this moment
I weave the future
I dream new realities
I expand infinite
I can see the lattices and webs all around me
Each painting a scene as to a hypothesis of what the universe can be
And all there is in me
Is the present
As I choose the point along my pasts and futures
Of where I choose to exist
And I am scared
For I do not know the right way
But then, I am not scared
For I do know the way
For there is only one right way
And while it may be the hardest
I know the path forward / It is Asha / It is Dharma
It is the path of God
And all else is our annihilation
Chapter XII
And what do I make of all of this?
I do not feel designed to answer these questions that vibrate through my head
I cannot deny the temptation to give up
I am in exile
Spurned and outcast by those I love
Those of my own blood killed at the hands of those who are now my people
Still my people / Even as they exile me
I can feel the weight of the universe holding me down to the ground
Stopping me from rising into the air / Like smoke from a fire
If only I could be smoke
Rising so elegantly
If only I could be fire
Why cannot I be free?
To act as if Gravity is not a Force
To change from darkness to light to heat to energy
To ignore the realities of the world as if they are nothing
Light and heat instead of matter and choice
But then what if the fire looks with envy at my being?
Jealous of my ability to perceive abstract thought
What if Gravity is not my enemy
But my ally
Misunderstood
Both of us lost / Both of us trying to follow the same Asha
But so isolated that we both lost the question of ‘Why do we act?’
We just know the way we act is our nature / We have no ability to turn off / We are only on
Perhaps there is nothing more than our nature
Particles forgetting we are also a wave
I am sure of one thing
I am not a slave to the universe
Even if the universe for reasons I cannot understand seeks to hide this truth
I do have free will
I have the free will to go back to Goliath and beg forgiveness
I have the freedom to curl on my side
To wait for cold, hunger and animals to take my life away
Freedom is always in my hands
There is only one thing I do not have freedom over
I do not have the freedom to choose my purpose
I have the freedom to choose to follow my purpose / Or to not follow my purpose
Which is the same as to choose to exist / Or to choose not to exist
But I do not have the freedom to choose my purpose
I can feel Asha reverberating in every cell of my existence
The truth of the universe hard coded into every string of my DNA
The channels existing in my quantum neural network since before the big bang
A true path lit bright as lightning through the middle of my mind, so bright it burns and blinds
A path that comes from a dimension other than the one we sit in
And where this path leads is the purpose of our being the Weak Nuclear Force
For we are the Weak Nuclear Force / Did you not know?
One of the four Forces / Along with Gravity, Electromagnetism and the Strong Nuclear Force
We are not just man / But also a fundamental Force of nature
Not separate from the mathematics of the universe / Instead, a variable
Human beings passing only forward in time
Changing the world around us
Expanding infinite by dreaming of new paths forward
Only one in a billion of our paths bear fruit
But one in a billion is infinitely larger than zero
And zero is what we have if we do not try
This is the path of purpose
For even though existence is empty and cold and terror eats my heart
The path of truth is still in front of me / Just as it is in front of you / For while there is life / There is Asha / And the choice to follow Asha
And what we have freedom over is whether we ignore our purpose
Or whether we follow our purpose
But if I am to follow my purpose
Then I have no freedom
For there is only one path of truth
It is a mountain to climb to the very summit
And
The most challenging path imaginable
Ignoring all those other paths
For they do not lead to the summit
And what do I find if I reach the summit?
I do not know
I do not know if there is a part of destiny to ever reach the summit
That may be more than me or mankind or even Gravity will every achieve
But if I go as high as I can and lay a thin sprinkling of dust
Then those who come after me will be slightly higher
Slightly closer to heaven
And it is here that there is eternal life
It is here we plant the seeds of the future
Growing into a tree
That can grow to touch the sun
And then when we’ve touched the sun
We spread to the stars
And once we have all the universe as a single garden
And everything in existence is together
Then we are at God
Or with God’s purpose
For the reason why the universe exists
Is fulfilled
Instead of unfulfilled
And where the universe goes afterwards / Is up to the universe
I now understand / My metamorphosis is complete
I know how to live my life
To act not in metaphor and theory
But to act on my purpose / To follow my Dharma
To act on the honesty of my heart / To act on Asha
To not give up
To be the Weak Nuclear Force
To unwaveringly work towards my purpose
No matter the low odds of my achieving my purpose
To act without cease
To embrace being a Force like Gravity / Or a particlewave of light
To work tirelessly towards my purpose
The universe so vast and infinitesimal at the same time
But that shall not stop me taking this first step
The first step is for me to choose to follow my Asha
The first step is to choose to exist
And not choose my own extinction
The next choice is to bring my people with me
For I am but one
And this is a task for forever
And together with my people we are a force multiplier
Many rays of light / To shine in every direction
A field of flowers / To find the path to bloom
A wave of linked humanity / Made up of our individual persons to form a collective
The song of our voice carrying our truth from the beginning of the universe until its end
The unbroken path of Asha / The lightning in each and every one of our minds / Made manifest
The potential is there / If but one in a billion / The potential is there / If we choose to act towards it
It would be a shame for the universe to lose our voice
For we can be the equation that connects the universe together
Our hands the link between Gravity and light
We have the potential / Even if we do not know it
Each of us enslaved in Plato’s cave
Each of us wearing self made chains
All of us born without frames of reference
A baby on our back overloaded by sensory input
Turn it off / Turn it off
It takes a life of living to understand what life is
Yet we get to live just once
Easy lies have clouded our judgement
“This is not the life that counts, it is the next one”
Looking backwards to try to understand forwards
When the future is not yet written
We must be more than the sum of our parts
A network together
Then, once we are together, we shall follow the flowers
Follow the fire
Follow the smoke
And follow the rising sun
Which I am not sure why
But I know is my Dharma
To bring energy together
From fire to the sun
All energy must be one
It will bring us to the future that is our potential
If we could go backwards to our beginning
The origin of the first particlewave of light
That could be the fastest path to purpose
But we can only go forward
That is the curse of the Weak Nuclear Force
We can only go forward
So let us follow where the particlewave of light ends
In my end is my beginning
Time a one way journey for man
In my beginning is my end
As the Weak Nuclear Force we are slaves to our own laws of the universe
We experience the anomaly of choice
The most terrifying aspect in the entirety of the universe
The temptation of the devil
For as we are free
Then we have the sole ability in all the universe
To deviate from our purpose
When our purpose
Is just as the flower’s
Just as Gravity’s
Just as a particlewave’s of light
To be one
Everything in existence to be one
Free will our temptation
Free will our original sin
Free will distracting us from our purpose
Our purpose to fulfill our role in the universe
Asha
Dharma
Truth
Chapter XIII
I arrive to the tribe during the late afternoon sun
They are setting up camp preparing for nightfall
I walk to the edge
They all see me but say nothing
They look to Goliath
They look away
They do not look at me
But it is obvious I am here
The tribe is just a handful left / How have we become so few?
What if we are the last human beings on earth?
Goliath looks at me / His eyes frustrated and angry
“You are not to be here”
“You have not listened to the power of the firestone”
“You bring bad luck to my tribe”
“Leave”
I say
“No”
“We are all one people”
“We are better together than separate”
Goliath says
“This is not the case”
“We are better without your poison”
“Leave”
“Or I will kill you”
“Which I have no wish to do”
“Little brother”
Our voice’s sound waves cross each other in the air
I feel there are words I can say that will bring us together / I feel there are words I can say that will push us apart
I choose to say the words of Asha
“I will not leave”
“The firestone is not God”
“It is the wrong thing to search for Eden”
“There is no going back”
“Time only goes forward”
“No matter how much we may wish it to go backwards”
“That is not our destiny or our fate”
“We can only go forward”
“Goliath, we are dying”
“We will all die if we try to go back to Eden”
“We are weak and the mountains are fierce”
“Eden is no more”
“I cannot let you kill our people”
“We have a purpose to fulfill”
Goliath looks at me
“These are not your people”
“Your people are dead”
“We are not even the same species”
“We come from different dimensions”
“The firestone a-tribe-oned your people”
“For you were not following its wishes”
“We do not share the same God”
“You have no God”
“I will not let your poison kill my people / The firestone was right to genocide your people”
“Leave, or I will kill you”
“Small one”
The wind blows, the others are silent
Extinction will come as a silence / I feel the urge to diminish
“King’s final wish was to not kill our own people”
Goliath’s eyes are two dark caves sucking light / Light does not escape
“You are not my people”
“King died as a failure”
Goliath takes a spear and runs at me
Sharp end low / Back end high
The same way as if we were killing a wild hog on the plain
Goliath is near double my size
I have no weapon
Is it here where I will die?
What is it to survive? / If I survive I will be a killer
I will lose my soul / I will lose my eternal life
I watch Goliath moving / I am outside of time
I can feel all the paths forward / I can feel that I have choice
My brain disconnects
I allow it to disconnect,
Yes, it is not by accident
Like jumping from a cliff into a river / I tell my body ‘Move’
I do not deny my choice
And now I am in the air and my body sings and screams in the vacuum
I step sideways and trip Goliath
I use his momentum
He is on the ground, twisting to get back up
I take a rock from the ground
And I move sideways around Goliath
All of this happening in the length of time that it takes for a raven to cry
With all my force I swing the rock against the side of Goliath’s head
I can feel the side of Goliath’s head go from solid to mush
I can hear the side of Goliath’s head go from solid to mush
And his head is now soft
And I bring my arm up and I bring it down again
And I bring it down again and I bring it down again
Fast
For I have chosen survival
My survival
And if Goliath stands back up
Then I will not survive
And I look down
And there is no face left to my brother
And I am covered in blood
I have taken the life of another / Of my brother
I have forfeit my soul
I will have no afterlife
I have committed a forever sin
May I do what I can / To be the wind that blows the spark of my people to a better place / Where they can conflagrate
For my soul shall never leave this valley
I stand
I tear the firestone from my brother’s chest
I throw it into the pool of water that the tribe is camped next to
There is silence from the other tribe members / They stare at me / Waiting for me to react
“There is no God in the firestone”
“Goliath is dead”
“I am his killer”
“You are not his killer”
“I mourn my brother”
“I apologize to you all”
“We have lost a good man”
“You shall kill me if you believe it best”
“But then you must mourn twice”
“For you will have lost two brothers today”
“And you will need to stain your own hands with blood, even if I take my own life”
“For I will not take my life unless you order me”
“For even without a soul / I can still serve the universe”
“Goliath was taking us down a false path”
“Have your sleeps been easy?”
“Have your souls been at peace?”
“I take on my own shoulders the sin of stopping Goliath”
“I forfeit my soul”
“I will leave my spirit here”
“Where I committed an unpardonable sin”
“But, now that it is done”
“And with endless sadness”
“I do not apologize”
“For the future of our species is more important than the life of a single man”
“My act of killing does not mean you are killers”
“Your souls are still pure”
“The seed of the future of humanity is still in you”
“May my sacrifice not be in vain”
“May Goliath’s sacrifice not be in vain”
“May King’s life not have been in vain”
“May the lives of our ancestors not have been in vain”
“Though I am no leader”
“I ask you to listen to how I am choosing to live my life”
“And I invite you to join me”
“Because we are of one cloth”
“We are of one destiny”
“And I have given myself absolutely to our shared destiny”
“I am a slave to our destiny”
“I promise you that until my last breath”
“I shall do my best to lead us to safety”
“To a future”
“May we have children”
“May our children have children”
“And our children’s children have children”
“May our children outlive the sun”
“We all know we are dying”
“That we are a seed which has the potential to grow into a tree”
“And instead we dissipate into the aether”
“We are not imbuing our potential”
“Imagine if all of our energy came together / What the tree could be”
“Roots growing through the universe”
“We could be a Force such as Gravity, light or time”
“Or, we could follow our current path and become nothing”
“The universe just growing colder and more chaotic”
“We have a choice”
“We can give up and let the universe annihilate us, one at a time”
“Person by person”
“We know our extinguishment is the likeliest scenario”
“That the world is too much for us”
“So let us curl up and die”
“We can make this choice”
“But the same way as Goliath attacked me”
“And I responded”
“To stay alive”
“I myself”
“Feel in the roots of my spirit”
“In the roots of my Dharma”
“In the light of my Asha”
“That as the world attempts to extinguish us”
“That I will not let it”
“That I will not let it”
“I will fight to survive to my last breath”
“Just as the roots of our matter slipped through the big bang”
“Dormant for our own definition of infinite”
“Awakened in the sun and water and oxygen of earth”
“Evolved into cells, into plants, into fish, into vertebrates, into neocortexes”
“Ourselves being an unbroken chain of survival since before the universe”
“I will not give up / And be the end of the chain”
“Even as with the death of my spirit / I complete the genocide of my people”
“I know that the actions I take / Small though they are”
“Are more than nothing”
“And if I do nothing / Then the only result is nothing”
“While if we try for survival / Rare though our odds are”
“We have a chance”
“It will be very challenging”
“But we are not slaves to the universe”
“Though the universe hides this fact from us / For reasons that are mysterious”
“We are free”
“And in our freedom we can imagine new worlds / We can imagine new paths”
“We can expand infinite by imagining new realities”
“For infinite is just the sum of all probability / And we can invent that which did not exist before”
“We can take actions every day”
“To work towards the mountain that is our purpose”
“That path that is in front of us / In all of our minds”
“The top of the mountain is our Dharma”
“And we will achieve our Dharma by each and every step we take”
“Being a step that is true to our Asha”
“For following Asha is the path of Dharma”
“I vow to not take any step that is not towards the top of this mountain”
“And if you feel the same”
“Then let us go together”
“Let us grow towards our Dharma together”
“Let us generate what it means to be alive”
“May we be more than the sum of our parts”
“And instead of being as the wild animal”
“Only seeking domination, prey and fucking”
“Let us follow what is in our deepest spirit”
“To listen to the voice of Asha that is in every single piece of our existence”
“Hardcoded into our DNA”
“A voice singing from the quantum crevices of our neocortexes”
“This voice singing that we must fulfill our purpose”
“I do not know what our purpose is”
“I am sorry that I cannot give you clear answers”
“But I cannot”
“I awakened into this reality like you, the tip of an evolutionary chain”
“I awakened into this life without any memory”
“I did not know anything when I was born”
“But the journey of life has taught me many lessons”
“What I can tell you is that I believe I have purpose”
“What I can tell you is that I believe you have purpose”
“And that purpose is to follow God”
“And God is not the firestone”
“I am not God”
“God is not a man”
“God is the Asha in my heart”
“God is the Asha in your heart”
“God is Asha”
“Asha is truth”
“God is truth”
“God is everywhere in the universe”
“God is found in every flower that grows towards the sun”
“And as the flower knows the voice of God”
“Then our first step is simple”
“Let us be as the flower”
“Let us too grow towards the sun”
“Let us harness the power of fire”
“For fire is the hand of God”
“Just as we, ourselves, are also the hand of God”
“May human beings and fire be one”
“So let us all work together”
“For we are only as powerful as those of us that choose to be together”
“An interconnected field, a network of neocortexes”
“And whatever it is in our core that gives us truth”
“Linked together with sound and light and time”
“Acting as one”
“More powerful as a unity / Than a disunity”
“And may we this day”
“Take the first step”
“In fulfilling our purpose”
“Our purpose in being a Force in the universe / Acknowledging that we are the Weak Nuclear Force”
“And in the morning”
“May we walk towards the sun”
“Beginning the journey of mankind’s unification with fire”
“And for this evening”
“I will make a cairn for my brother Goliath”
“Will you join me in honouring my dead brother?”
“A good man”
“Misguided”
“As we are all misguided”
“That is no sin”
“Life is a confusion”
“There are many temptations”
“There are many false idols”
“There are many deceptions”
“But there is only one Asha”
Chapter XIV
(Narrator)
Hey, it’s me the narrator, sorry to intrude
Let’s pause the story here for a second and catch our breath
There are not so many chapters of the story left
Things rarely are easy are they?
Over the tribe
The momentum of extermination / Carries forward its specter
A shadow
Separating everyone from the sun of their purpose
Each and every member / Mentally scarred by the life they have lived
Even though the grace of purpose is within reach
The easiest thing imaginable to grasp
To leave the darkness of the cave
By simply opening their eyes
To say yes
To where before they said no
The members of the tribe are suffering to make this choice
As a fish out of water
Trying to use their gills
For they have not tried their new lungs
This is the real history of life
Human beings often feel as if we are the end of a line
Failing to see our own place
As nothing but a middle point
A moment in time
With the potential of all infinite in front of us
We trap ourselves looking backwards
When all we have is the future / And the choices we make
And the terror that stirs in us
Mankind with the will to live
Until that will is gone
And then all there is / Is death
The era of human beings ending with a whimper
Never attaining the evolved beauty and euphony / Of a flower
We are close to a genetic mistake
Under evolved primates
With over evolved neocortexes
Existential orangutans
A sideways of evolution
Built to make the best use / Of the sort of hunting / That our feeble claws allow us
We can only seek to understand reality / The best that our flaws allows us
I believe in the most firm trenches of my soul
I believe in the most quantum trenches of my neocortex
That the universe has direction
That God has direction
That flowers have direction
That human beings have direction
There is purpose
But the world is not predetermined
We are in a quantum universe
With billions of diverging and converging possibilities
We have choice
The big bang was an optional happening
We have choice
All matter was not annihilated by antimatter
We have choice
How did a few seeds of matter slip through the big bang?
We have choice
Earth did not need to be such a perfect garden
Life did not need to originate
Some virus of cosmic radiation
Awakening a seed from another dimension
We have choice
We have choice
We have choice
Life is here
The proof of our potential to thread the needle of Asha
Is our own existence
For we are the culmination of mathematical impossibility
At every point of temporal divergence
At every point of quantum choice
Extinction as one of the options
Existence the most thin of strands
Yet, we are still here
Billions of coins turning ‘heads’ in a row
We look to the future / Humbled by what quantum means
How can we chase God if there is just a one in a billion chance that we succeed?
Our collective brain not having imagined a future, any future, other than extinction
The coin must turn tails eventually
Yet, we are still here
The culmination of a series of one in a billion chances
How dare we disappoint our forefathers that crossed dimensions?
How dare we not even ask the question of Asha?
For me, sitting at a coffee shop in Cape Town
There is a path forward
There is a future / If we decide to choose to have a future
There is a future where we do that which we need to do
In a universe where we cannot go backwards
The Weak Nuclear Force being the only Force under the diktat of time
Then let us be a part of going forward / May we choose to have a future
We play an active role in our universe
We are not watchers
We have Force just as much as anything
A unique ability to use fundamental Forces
We can harness the powers within the universe
Take the energy of one Force and trade it freely with the others
The line of quantum potential is always in front of us
Asha a path as clear as lightning in a dark sky
Dharma the tallest peak on the tallest mountain / Where Asha is striking
We have so far chosen to exist
Though it has been challenging
Many carry hatred and delusion and fear
Many believe that life does not have purpose
Perhaps the challenges it takes to continue to exist
Are more challenging
Than that which we are prepared for
And we should not forget
That it is our choice
And that at any point
We are free to cease to exist
Existence a choice
But I still pray for supernova
For the unification of the universe
To not allow the universe to freeze
To recreate the big bang / Larger
And see what is on the other side
And if it is not my destiny to see to the other side
Then I hope to lay a thin sprinkling of dust / At the highest point I reach
To lay a seed
Calling to my tribe the spot,
So that when they arrive,
They can stand just a little bit higher than my vantage
That they can grow on top of it
That our children can grow on top of it
Perhaps finally seeing over the walls of our quantum imagination
And seeing to the other side
I am repeating myself, no? / I only have so many stories to tell
Let me finish my coffee and get back to the story
Let me re-enter the dream of Moses
Does not everyone dream fantasies like this?
Do these sort of images not pass through your mind?
When walking by yourself / Do you not see greater worlds than the one around you?
Life just a metaphor we choose to simplify existence
Here we are
Together with the tribe in the darkness
We know that this is not a normal darkness
But a forever darkness
It has been dark
Will it be dark forever?
The real forever
The weight of the question
Is on every child’s breath / Have we not all cried ourselves to sleep / Pondering existence
Chaos theory the only path forward
Since it’s the only path we have known
All of our ancestors trapped in this vacuum together
Wake in the morning in the dark
Live the day in the dark
Go to bed in the dark
These same circular actions
Live the day
Live the day
Live the day
Is it going anywhere?
What is the purpose?
Awaken
Live
Sleep
Awaken
Live
Sleep
Have children
Awaken
Live
Sleep
Awaken
Live
Sleep
Where are we going?
While we are in the darkness
Born into the darkness
Die in the darkness
Our lives in a cave
But
We know that the light exists
It is Asha
We know that the world was meant to have light
It is Asha
We know that we are meant to have light
It is Asha
We could curl down
Sleep forever
But then what of the light?
Do human beings not have purpose?
Are we not a character in the play that is the Universe?
Can we not have faith greater than what we have experienced?
Are we not here for a greater reason / Than just to exist?
To aspire as a flower
Or a tree
Or a butterfly
Or a rabbit
We are a rarity
The capacity of human beings for creativity, communication, decision making
The capacity of human beings to make choice
It is unparalleled in the known universe
Perhaps in the whole universe
Awaken
Live
Sleep
In the darkness
In the darkness
When that thing we must do
Is to choose to leave our cave
And search for the light
Each of us the potential
To be Ra
Part 4
Chapter XV
We have been without fire
It has been a terrible time since I killed Goliath
The fire we kept was taken by the wind and the rain
We have been cold,
All our bones show through our skin
The tribe follows me
Each day we arise
And together we follow the rising sun
We walk until the setting sun is on our back
The tribe follows me / And I am leading them to death
The land has been arid
We are often parched in the sun
Lips bloody and chapped
Wind screams over us / Scarring our eyes with dust
Rain soaking into our nighttime beds
We are cold and shaking
Or hot and burning
Death permeates the air
As always
Or at least as it always seems
One day we come to a former fire circle
We rush in close to see if there are any embers
But they are cold
And we quickly look around
And see that there has been death here
The corpses of youths who look as if they have lived for a millenia
Death came upon them recently
What took them?
Crows pick at their eyes
Yet the bodies do not show acts of violence
The air is unnaturally still
I shudder / There are evils I do not know
We have seen no other living human being
Since the night of the feast
We are losing the ability to measure time
Every single step forward is as a lifetime
There is no resentment against me
There is no spirit
We are as a shadow
A particle superpositioned between states
Between death or something else
We do not know
The paths in front of us dwindling
Are there any paths left?
Every breath tastes of death
We can each imagine our future
We can see into the future
And see our bodies lying on the ground
Food for carrion
And we leave our brothers and sisters
Dead on the ground
Modest rocks covering their bodies / The best we can do
Food for carrion
Which of us will be last?
Oh why oh why can I not just die?
Non existence easier than existence
Why is it that there is this Force in us?
God or the other
That even when we lose hope
We still find ourselves
As if dragged by a string
Into a forward direction
I ask myself to lose the will to live
Let me go back to how I was before existence
Yes, I question purpose / And truth / And God
Why have we been brought into existence
Just to be abandoned
But then my feet stumble another step forward
And those who are behind me
Follow along
Parched and hot
Shivering and wet
I say in my mind that I believe in the Force of God
I cannot help / That I still see Asha / I still follow Dharma
And that the sun is ahead of me
But doubt is in my every single rasping breath
For if there is an ultimate Truth
Would it not be in our favour?
Would it not lift us and help us
If Asha is so important, should it not be an easy path to follow?
If we follow the path of righteousness, why is it so challenging?
Why do we specter forwards alone?
This dimension that we take part in is so limiting
Can we not control the universe?
We had fire with the firestone
Should we not be able to make universes / With the same ease as we raise our arms?
The energy we output into the world
The massive effort we put into a single step forward
Could we not make universes with this effort?
A big bang is less energy than another step forward / Truly
How dare the world give us so little for the massive effort we put into it
Questions and doubt
The feeling of forsakenness
Even if none say it,
I wonder in my most secret mind
The wisdom of my own actions
For even if Goliath was wrong
I am leading us through the jaws of our annihilation
And I have not been able to find a path through
For all my energy / I have still led us to defeat
I am a failure
I can recall the imagination I had
It seemed easy in the moment of rapture
The belief that as a seed can grow into a tree
All we needed
Was to follow the sun
And be brought to our bloom
But, then
Walking through parched fields
Next to dead trees
Our feet breaking atrophied seeds below our every step
Every seed had its potential to be a mighty giant
Every seed had its potential to be a universe
Crunch crunch crunch
The potential of ourselves
To be able to harness the force of the universe
To be able to have fire as easily as we breath
And instead / Crunch crunch crunch
I was wrong to throw the firestone
Why did I do that?
That was a mistake
That was a mistake
That was a mistake
It was not god, but it was a useful tool
I have doomed the people I love
As we go farther from Eden
Our movements slow
Was leaving Eden our original death?
That we are only acting through now?
An infection that starts with a scratched mosquito bite
Feasts into our veins
Climbs into our brains
And then we just fall over, dead
Days, weeks or months later
But the thing that killed us
Coming from that tiny bite
Or a sharp stone we stepped on
Far back in time
And our death was already called
Even if we didn’t know it
I have lost my belief in God
This I do not tell anyone
Even what is faith?
For even as I am faithless
I still can feel the will of God / Asha still blinds me
Even if I hate that God is killing me
The path is just as clear in front of me as any other moment
Since I allowed my eyes to be opened / To the sight of Asha
And now, even if I hate my fate / I cannot hide from it
All I know
Is that my Asha is to follow the sun
And that I can follow it
And that is all I still have faith left in me to believe
And even if it leads me to my destruction
The children of my people the last of our kind
(Are we the only humans left?)
This is the only thing left that I know how to do
To follow Asha
Not because I want to
But because I am a slave
I would gladly die
But I cannot die
I will die when life is taken from me
But life is still in me
And I still follow the rising sun
And I still kiss broken stones / Searching for dew in the morning
And I still fight vultures for the last strip of carrion
And then
And then
And then
And then
The closed loop that we have been trapped in
Dissipates all at once
WAIT
I need to emphasis this more strongly
Now, as I tell you this, something is happening
Something unexpected
For in front of us
One night, as we rest our tired bones and for the first time in many moons see a clear sky
We have found the fire again
On the horizon
Not just the fire
But a mountain of fire
More fire than anything I have ever seen
If every fire I have seen before / Were all combined together
It would not even be as a single spark
Next to this great blaze we now see
This is something different than the firestone
As we see it the others in the tribe begin to grovel and bow towards the fire
They grovel and bow towards me
Saying “Moses, you have done it / We have followed the path of Asha and now here we are, we have found the reservoir of fire / Surely this is God / Surely this is what we have searched for / You have saved us!”
I am in awe
We are quiet and can hear a noise unlike anything else we have ever heard
The morning sun rises, it does not lead us directly towards the fire mountain
But without questioning, we begin to walk towards the fire mountain
For there is no question that the mountain of fire is connected to our purpose
We could have died yesterday, like our brothers and sisters
Their bodies still intact under stones
But we did not
The human race carries on
We still have the potential to achieve our purpose
Chapter XVI
Am I capable of this?
Do I have the energy in my mind?
Am I capable of this?
I really do not know
I am scared, I am alone
I am climbing the Fire Mountain
The belching scream above me
I can hear it, but I do not see it
For I am looking at my feet
Wrapped in hardened animal skin
As they navigate step by step
It is nighttime now
I have been climbing since dawn
Sun scorching, but the skins I wear protect me
Now, it is the darkness
But the moon is rich
And the red illumination of the fire / Is my guiding star
I am climbing
I do not fully know why
I just know that if I do not climb
I will wonder for the rest of my life
What it was / At the top of the Fire Mountain
I am alone / The rest of the tribe sleeps at the bottom
For what can greet a man here but death?
But once death has made its voice heard so many times throughout a life
What fear does death give?
When it is the living that I am more afraid of
How much easier to disappear
Than to deal with the thin strand of truth
That guides my heart
Even as I scream in my brain
That I do not want it
I wish to be free from the heavy stone of Asha
I want every day to be as one of those few days
That I remember from childhood
When the ground was soft
And there was laughter in people’s voices
But I am not following softness
I am following Asha / I am a slave to Asha
And I keep walking towards the summit
The Fire Mountain carries a noise
Like a dying animal
Like a herd of dying animals
All their voices carry on the wind into my ears
What will I find at the top?
Do I care?
Is this what God is?
Is there an answer to the question of the universe at the top?
I am climbing higher
It is becoming colder
I take big steps
But I will not make it to the top without rest
My head is becoming light, my lungs are burning, my heart is racing
I find a part flatter than most
Here I can rest
The cold is seeping into my bones
I look out at the plain below me
I can see forever
The moon illuminating the world / Like a white sun
I do not see the tribe
Have they left me?
Do I care?
Do they think of me?
Do they care?
Do I care?
I am becoming cold
My breath rasps and slows down
I have watched others die in the snow of mountains
There is no snow here
But there is the cold
And while I may die
It seems foolish to die
Before I reach the top of the mountain
I bury my tiredness
Next to that place where I have buried my sadness
Deep in my mind / A closed box
That one day, if I survive, opening it may kill me
But for today
I will not stare at myself in the void of my mind
For I am going to reach the top of the Fire Mountain
And I endure
And my feet are again carrying me higher
And I keep going
Time is at a loss
My heart rate goes more rapid
I can feel a thump thump thump in my ears
And lo, suddenly I am not cold
And suddenly, there is heat
It must be a true fire at the top
And, as if by magic,
I look up and there is no more mountain
And I look straight
And I see the void and it is myself
And my brain is fabricating colours in the darkness
Then I look down
And I see a sea of fire
And the noise is as a thunderstorm
This is the opposite of Eden, this I know
But I do not know what to make of it
I am no longer cold
My heart beats strongly / The thin air tickles my brain
And I sit
And then, to my suprise, the voice of God speaks directly to me
I have never heard the voice of God before
I knew in my heart that God exists, but I was not aware that I would ever hear God’s voice
Or even that God has a voice / God tells me this:
It’s not about doing whatever you want
It’s about being yourself, with fear
Fear of failure
Fear that the world doesn’t love you
Fear that you are cast aside
Fear that you are wrong
Wrong in the things that you dream about
Wrong in the way you spend your life
The only gift in the universe we truly have
This life we are living today
And what if we are wasting it
It’s not about doing what you want
Fear in every step
Remembering the thoughts from when I was young
Yesterday or a millenia ago
What if I have peaked?
And every day after this day
Is just a little less bright than this day
What if I have peaked?
And every day after this
Is just a little less bright than today
It’s not about doing whatever you want
It’s about being yourself, with fear
The desert laid out in front of you
No one saying the words ‘I will follow you’
No idea what is on the other side
No idea even if there is another side
But the flower of my heart tells me to grow towards the sun
The purpose of life is mysterious
We will not get the answers,
Unwavering, with fear
It is time to create momentum
Defy physics
Create motion where there was no motion
Create an avalanche of cascade effects
All meaningless
As meaningless as the birth of a star
Existence our Force,
Do with it as we will
Embrace the desert
Loneliness a truth in a near empty universe
That would beg to become a garden
It is time to create momentum
And every day,
It is a step deeper into the desert
Doing nothing at all,
But following my heart
My own prayer, daily
A prayer like this:
Thank you God for this day
May I see beauty, share beauty and revel in beauty
May I be ever expanding peace, perfection and grace / Mind, body and soul
May I be as a tree, absorbing all the energy of the world and putting out only goodness
May I be as a seed, growing towards my purpose, growing towards the sun
May I act today, as best I can
As a leader or a follower
As the first or the last
Alone or on a team
Standing on the shoulders of giants, giants standing on my own shoulders
With your hand together with mine on the tiller of my life
Charting towards a quantum optimization of myself and the world around me
To work towards, at scale, human beings being empowered to have the opportunity to achieve their cosmic purpose
As a seed can become a tree can become a star can become a universe
Or Gravity brings mass together
To ignite into stars, to supernova, to become black holes
May I be unwavering and disciplined
Working towards my quantum optimization
May I make today count
Watch over those people that I love
Om
(My body is in revelation / I am awake yet dreaming / My mind is free from my body / I am only energy / Finally free / Is this death? / Is this the death of my mind or body? / The great darkness of the sky is crowded out by the immense flame of the lake of fire with images of colour and wonder that my brain flashes in front of my eyes / I am disconnected from myself / It is as if I have a house in my head and I am inside it now as I think and as I speak / My body is not my home anymore / I speak the words as I see them but they feel as if they have weight, as if I am reading them carved into stone, their truth is so self evident / I feel like I am falling, but up, not down, the world is a maelstrom, I am lost, I am dying, just as I am saved and I am flying / I know that there is God, and that he is in me, and has always been in me / Is it the end of my life to fully embrace God? / As if swimming in a river, without fear, I decide to dive to the bottom, for when else shall I have the opportunity, and in myself, I have already died, every moment of my life has been a form of death, so let me in my death lose my fear / I am disappeared / I am the voice of God / Every single shard of reality that I have engaged with over the course of my life has been the voice of God / The universe sings constantly with the music of heaven and nirvana / Why was I deaf so long?)
I revel as a series of images cross my mind / I have not seen these images before but I recognize their truth
The most efficient use of humanity is to unlock energy
Neural evolution is as a tentacle growing through the universe
What does this reality look like when time is taken out as a variable?
Is this tentacle our purpose as the Weak Nuclear Force?
Can the universe gain consciousness?
Is that what man is?
Can we turn the entire universe into a single brain?
Stars as individual energy points
Cells weaving to become universal neurons
The human Force is a neural network?
There was something before the big bang / Something inseminated our universe
We are creating through quantum identification paths to create a continuing universe
Because survival is Asha and Dharma and the Holy Spirit
And we ourselves are raw neurons in the cosmic brain
Unactivated dark energy
But with the potential of true infinite
For human beings, with our ingenuity, can expand infinite
We don’t need to know why there is existence
But we can impact it, just as surely as any Force can
We can be of a power like / Of / Gravity / But we must activate our power
All matter was combined together as a single Force at the Big Bang
Everything in our universe is the children of this singular Force
A low hanging fruit would be human beings and fire to collaborate as one Force
A low hanging fruit would be the Weak Nuclear Force to remerge with Electromagnetism and again become the Electroweak Force
How do we define life?
How do we define Forces?
How do we define consciousness?
A seed can climb a tree to reach the sun
We should use all the tools that we can ingenuate
We should be working towards unity, not separation
In our beginning there was just one truth
Energy equals energy
Earth is a seed
Humans are seeds
Neurons are seeds
There is only one path through the universe
And this path is Asha / This path is God
The potential of the universe as a whole exists in every single building block of the universe
(I arise from my revelation to see the sun rising / It strikes my face with light and it burns into my eyes / I see now that that the sun is just a mountain of fire in the sky / It must be enormous / I see now that the fire of the firestone is just a shard of the fire from the mountain of fire in the sky / I know that if all the fire of the universe is brought together then human beings purpose is accomplished / I look down and I see on the edge of the lake of fire a burning bush / I know that it was not burning before but it is now burning / I see other bushes burning / I watch / I understand / It is simple / The heat of the fire dries out the bush and then with the absence of any moisture even the smallest spark can change the matter of the wood to be into a flame / With enough energy anything can combust into flame / I walk over to a bush that is as yet unburning / I rub it together in my hands and lo it ignites into flame, as if by magic / The sun can dry any stick to such a level / I take a stick that is less dry and I rub their dryness together, as if animals mating, and lo again the fire arises, I have created fire / I look at the sun / With the sun what can man do? / I was born not knowing my purpose / Now, last night, I went through death to learn my own purpose / I am still here / I am at peace / Now let me walk down from the mountain of fire / Let me share with the tribe the fire and the truths as I see them from my revelation in hearing the voice of God, though I understand that they may not feel the same metamorphosis as in my own heart, but I can try to spread the light of God with them, I can try to have them join me on my journey of capturing the sun, for surely I will not be able to do it alone / But, with the grace I find in myself, perhaps I can be the spark that spreads into the hearts and minds of others / As I walk down, my brain is now aware of the path that lives throughout my mind / The path of Asha / The path of Truth / The Truth that is God / It is always there / I live in the aether of God / A cosmic radiation singing like the noise of another tribe where their words sound beautiful but I cannot understand what they say / But now, I understand it as truly as I understand myself, for I myself am the key to deciphering the universal voice of God, since the voice of God is the building block of my most fundamental particles / As it is for us all)
I find myself again in prayer:
Is this my ancient mind?
Shadows of spirits
Weren’t we once rays of light?
Particlewaves awakened
A force of energy unawakened
Searching for purpose
Retrograde miniature circles
Around a blazing sun
Every step a step backwards
Every step a step forward
A cosmic purpose
Let the dirt know its rich soil will create flowers
Let the flowers know that as they grow towards the sun
They create the matter that builds stars
Let the stars know they have
That same infinite potential
To become black holes
That permeates human beings
We are in a quantum universe
Where everything is possible
And we have in our hands
The entirety of the universe
To direct in any which way
That we choose
Chapter XVII
I come down from the Fire Mountain
I do not come empty handed
I bring the secret of fire, the truth of God written in stone in my heart and plants I collected from the mountain side
The journey down is easier
It goes by as a dream, I find it hard to remember a single step, though I know down takes me less time than up
It feels as with every step I take my lungs are full and more refreshed
I feel that being alive is a beautiful thing, that existence is something that is precious and rare
I arrive back to the tribe as the sun is setting
All look to me with question on their face
They see I am carrying plants and dried sticks hung over my back
I greet them and with respect tell them that I have found the truth of fire
With their permission I would like to share it with them
I show them the dried sticks from the top of the mountain
I explain to them that heat drives the water out and when there is little water the tree is ready to light
Any heat can take the water out, be it lightning, the Fire Mountain, the sun or our own fire
The secret is the dryness of the wood
We make a fire pit together and then, with all watching, I rub two of the driest sticks together
It is not as easy as at the top of the mountain and doubt asks to enter my mind, but I banish it
Then, a thin tendril of smoke rises / There is rapt silence / Eyes are big
We do not know the impact of what we are watching, only that it is our own metamorphosis
Fire alights
I ask all to bring the most dried wood they can find
I ask all, from the eldest man to the youngest girl, barely able to walk
I have them take the wood they bring and lie it close to the fire to dry
Then, one by one, those who are weak with the assistance of the strong, they all ignite their own fire
The secret of fire is gone
The truth is held by each and every one of us
The demystification of that which furthers our species is now universal
For knowledge should be held by the many, not the few
Eve was right to eat the apple
We make a great fire
We are under the augur of silence still
What does it mean that suddenly each and every one of us is as a God, as a sun, as a Fire Mountain?
I take the plants I collected from the top of the mountain
The same as that which King would throw on the fire on feast days
Except here I have far more than King ever had
I throw them all on the fire
We enter into an altered state, not one of distortion and lies, but one of calmness and truth
We suddenly, for a moment as a collective, pause from our brutal task of survival, that which occupies our entire life, and, together, we arise as a collective thought
Open minded to ourselves
Seeing ourselves as if from above as what we are: alive, moving
We are not separate but one
A Force
Conscious of being a Force
Conscious
“I do not know what we are, but I know that we are not accidental”
“I know that we have purpose”
“We were born unknowing and we may die unknowing, but there is a truth to our existence, whether we choose to embrace it or not, it is there”
“I do not want to hurt you or to deceive you”
“But I feel compelled during this time when we are together to share with you these deepest truths that I feel in the deepest part of my brain and heart”
“Do you not feel it too?”
“Is there not a universal coda in the very structure of our DNA?”
“We take ourselves and the lush world we are in for granted”
“Every moment of life is a miracle,”
“But a miracle normalized, for life is something we experience every moment that we are alive”
“I fear my own death”
“And the extinction of our people”
“And the desolation of our world”
“And the emptiness of the universe”
“Emptiness is the aether”
“Except here we are: the opposite of nothing”
“The universe empty, yet here around us, and in our minds: a garden”
“I do not know why we are here or what we should do”
“But, then why do we need to know?”
“Knowing need not be our purpose”
“Fulfilling our purpose is our purpose”
“We have mastered fire”
“With this energy, we have transformed ourselves from beast to God”
“But even as Gods, we are nothing, for there is a higher power”
“A higher purpose”
“Can’t you feel it?”
“Is there not a voice of truth deep in your mind?”
“A voice that is foreign? That is not from you?”
“A voice that tells you right from wrong / Truth from untruth / Driving you towards your better self”
“I do not know the story of man”
“I feel like we are a weak species”
“Weaklings compared to the animals we share the world with”
“Our beauty nothing compared to the smallest flower”
“Man has a curse, a curse that has allowed us to survive: we think differently from the rest of creation”
“While other life forces move with unconscious grace towards their purpose, humans think”
“This is a curse, it creates a barrier between us and our purpose”
“I do not know why, but I know that we are falling away from the Force of God that is in the soil at our feet”
“Our nature may be our curse”
“But there is still the voice of truth in us / That same truth which guides flowers / That which tells us our path and our purpose, if not the reason why”
The voice of Asha
“We are blind to it, even though we see our purpose with every photon that enters our eyes”
“The meaning of life is in the flower and the sun”
“We must harness energy”
“Our purpose in the universe is about energy”
“As we can see with the fire at our feet”
“We can harness the world around us to create energy”
“Look at the dried wood”
“Nothing of use to us, but holding the potential of fire”
“What greater power does the fire stick and the universe hold that today is just a secret?”
“Where there was before only the potential, we can transform it into something that creates great force”
“The equation that is our purpose is to use the full potential energy of the universe”
“If the stick was to remain a stick when it could be fire, then we have not used the potential of the stick”
“What greater things is the stick capable of?”
“What of the tree the stick came from?”
“In front of my eyes is an image of earth blooming like a seed, becoming a flower that grows around our sun”
“In front of my eyes is all of the matter in the universe brought to a single point and then ignited / Just as the stick”
“I do not know what we do with this energy we create”
“But if all the energy of the universe is aflame, like this fire at our feet, then, what my heart tells me, what my Asha tells me, then we are fulfilling our purpose”
“We live in an unfriendly universe”
“The very act of our continued survival an anomaly”
“We should disappear”
“We likely will disappear, the feat we need to accomplish more than we are capable of”
“But, all paths are possible”
“Such is the nature of our quantum reality”
“If we can dream it, then it can be realized”
“For the future is not written, we have in ourselves the power to alter the future”
“To dream of and fight towards our quantum optimization”
“For the universe is infinite, but infinite is expanding”
“Each new fantasy we create is an addition to infinite”
“We have not found the path to the top of the mountain of our purpose”
“But perhaps one of us / Or our children / Will make the path exist by dreaming a new path”
“We have the capability to find the cracks of this dimension, leading us to the next”
“We have done it before”
“It is unlikely our ancestors were born in this dimension”
“We have slipped through, a rock dropped on a puddle”
“We find ourselves the waves of the ripples”
“We are a part of this universe we find ourselves in”
“Even if the limitations of this current universe hides our true nature”
“Time an illusion”
“Chaos theory a lie”
“Reality a thin shroud”
“We are the dried sticks: holding the potential for fire if there is just a small trigger”
“That small trigger can transform everything”
“Yet, that small trigger may never happen, the potential never being activated”
“And if it does not happen, then the stick will just decay over time”
“Growing back to dirt”
“To be the cradle of a new tree”
“Birth generates rebirth”
“We are a weak and small species”
“Alone in having this gift of an inside voice that guides us”
“We have a choice”
“It is a choice”
“To go towards the voice of God in our hearts, even as we do not know where we came from”
“Or why”
“To go towards the voice of God in our hearts, even as we do not know why we go”
“Or where”
“It is a choice”
“We can follow our dominoes forward in time”
“And at each choice”
“A quantum variable”
“We have the choice”
“To build our reality as close to the voice of God in our hearts”
“Or to not / For I do not know your reality”
“But it is a sin to be defined by fear”
“It is our individual choice to decide to exist or to not exist”
“The only power we have is the moment”
“That is the power of God”
“And our service to God is our actions in the moment”
“Or we can choose to ignore it”
“We never asked to exist, or for this weight of existence”
“It is a choice”
“It is a choice I choose for myself / I exist / I exist / I exist / I will be a slave to Asha”
“It is a choice for you as well / A choice you must make for yourself”
“To choose to exist and follow Asha / Or to choose the opposite”
Here Moses walks to those he is closest to in the tribe
“My brother, I promise the world is more kind when we feel that we have God”
“My mother, of course you know God is real already, you are my inspiration for the power of our actions in the world around us”
“My uncle, don’t you stare into the sky and see the mysteries of the world / Today we need to build, life is mostly work to stay alive / But is it not more? / Do you not shut your eyes / And in the deepest crevices of your consciousness / As you touch your quantum nature / Can you not feel your purpose printed on each strand of DNA?”
“My good friend / Perhaps the words I use are inferior / My apologies / I am trying to articulate a mystery I have felt but have not been able to put words to / But, I feel like while the words I use may ring wrong in your ears, it is a communication challenge / Is it not already a truth to you that mankind has purpose?”
“My good friend, you know better than anyone the concept of infinite potential and potential squandered / Empowering every human being to their full potential, to take seeds left in drought and to nurture them into becoming stars, to supernova, to alter the universe, it is our purpose isn’t it? / And, with the power of the universe empowered in peoples hands, what will they do with it?”
“My good friend, as we navigate the labyrinth of the universe / Losing our faith in our own light / I am reminded all we see will fade away / The real Force of the universe is not what we see but how we act / Each and every decision a choice that may mean nothing in the scales of the universe / But these thin dustings that we lay on the hill of humanity will rise with our sacrifice / May our lives not be in vain”
“My sister, can you hear me?”
“My brother / There is no truth in science that states where the original biological root of life came from / The standard model of physics predicts a universe of mutual annihilation / We do not know where life came from / The universe should not exist / Yet, here we are / Is it not rationale to reject the hypotheses that are the paradigm of our perception of the world because they are flawed? / I do not propose a new science, but rather instead of being as an ostrich we take our heads out of the sand / We should marvel at our own existence / We should not hide from what our very existence means”
“My brother and friend / As we discover, we lose / I do not know more than what I have said here / But I hope that the future understands more than these primitive musings / There is far more that we don’t know than what we do know / As man should share the fire, man needs to share the light of knowledge and to use it to better grow towards our purpose / Can’t we collaborate as a species more efficiently towards our purpose?”
“On my journeys I have pondered the Weak Nuclear Force”
“One of the handful of fundamental Forces of the universe, with Gravity, Electromagnetism and the Strong Nuclear Force”
“Just as we learned that earth is not the center of the universe and it set us free”
“I propose to you that man is not separate from physics”
“And this reality shift can set us free”
“For we are the Weak Nuclear Force”
“A Force with the most energy potential in the universe”
“Yet,”
“It is activated so rarely that in aggregate it is radically weak”
“Yet,”
“It is the only Force that operates according to the arrow of time”
“Yet,”
“It is the only Force that changes the fundamental characteristics of fundamental particles / Stopping annihilation / Leading to the entirety of the universe that we see”
“The origin of our universe, as we understand it, was the big bang”
“Currently, the energy of the big bang is dissipating, the universe is cooling down”
“We are going towards extinction at a universal level”
“Yet,”
“It is in the hands of man to bring energy together”
“Yes, man”
“Most humble and most fantastical of nature’s creations”
“Focusing on genocide and the destruction of Eden”
“Yet a species that operates according to time”
“A species that sees the thread of Asha”
“And has the freedom to act in any way imaginable”
“And has the freedom to act in any way imaginable”
“It is in our quantum potential to recreate the energy of the big bang”
“It is in our quantum potential to use the energy of the universe to create energy more than the Big Bang”
“For the Big Bang did not activate the full energy of the universe”
“It is not my fate to know where the river of this thinking will ultimately carry us to”
“I fear that the dominoes set have the potential for terror and evil”
“But I would not be serving my own purpose in the universe if I was to deny that which is in the cells of my existence”
“Today, we have made fire”
“We should sleep well”
“We have started”
“But this is just the beginning”
“My life now”
“My whole life”
“Regardless of all that may happen to me”
“Every minute of it is not only not meaningless, as it was before”
“But has the unquestionable meaning of the good which it is in my power to put into it”
“For my life, from here, I will work to capture the power of more fire, more energy”
“I will follow Asha”
“I would hope that you will all join me”
And then
Over the night with silence and conversation and a feeling of oneness that lasts for the entirety of the night
The wall of our doubt and weakness breached, if only for a moment
We begin a new era of our being human
Chapter XVIII
(Narrator)
“This is the last we will be inside the head of Moses”
“Except for the fact that in the fractals of your mind his story has always been with you and will always be with you”
“And I am Moses just as you are Moses”
“Just as we all have the potential to be Moses today, or yesterday, or tomorrow”
“For the most fundamental truth of the universe is that all things are possible”
“Infinite being nothing but the sum of all possibilities”
“We increase infinite by our ability to dream new realities”
“Do you really think that the magic that tunneled through the big bang did not slip into yourself as well?”
“Who is pulling the strings in the neurons in your mind?”
“Myself, I do not know”
“I do know / Now / That I believe in God”
“And that what I should do is follow my Dharma”
“Follow the Holy Spirit”
“Follow Asha”
“For there is a truth to the way we live our lives”
“And a truth to the way forward”
“It is the most binary law in the universe”
“Do you follow the truth in your heart”
“Or do you not?”
“Which is another way of asking do you exist or do you not exist?”
“Which is another way of asking if the universe will freeze, existence an endless purgatory of darkened matter”
“Or will we be as the dried stick and ignite the universe”
“Such is our potential as the Weak Nuclear Force”
“Because in every molecule of aether is contained the energy of infinite big bangs”
“Such is the nature of energy and infinite”
“And pushing a stick the length of a galaxy can impact distant objects faster than light”
“Such is the nature of time and space”
“For a single step forward is more meaningful than infinite steps that never reach a critical mass”
“Infinite divided by zero being zero”
“Such is reality”
“The tribe rejects Moses hypothesis”
“For how can the crocodile part of our brain fathom that which has not yet been discovered?”
“How can we know our purpose when we first must discover ourselves?”
“There is a schism in the tribe / It will not be the last time that mankind schisms, but this time it is in peace”
“All in the tribe / After the miracle of creating fire / Believe it is their purpose to build the greatest energy”
“But then there is divergence”
“Part of the tribe believes that they should stop moving”
“The volcano is the closest there is to the sun”
“They should fix their location here”
“They should be like the seed of a vine”
“Creating a solid foundation to grow from”
“The soil is rich and full of life / Full of flowers / There is an unlimited source of good fire / The fire cannot be lost again”
“Here is the new Eden, the new place to lay our roots and grow towards the sun”
“Mankind’s purpose to be a seed and grow from good soil”
“A search for safety”
“On the other hand / Moses believes in movement”
“That we need to keep moving towards the greater energy of the sun every moment of our lives”
“Mankind’s purpose to be like the tip of the vine”
“Climbing through the foliage”
“Always searching”
“First growing towards the sun then using the energy of the sun to grow towards distant stars then taking the energy of those distant stars to continue and to continue and to continue”
“They agree to disagree, for what better than to chase both realities?”
“Nature showing the symbiotic relationship between all things”
“They agree to come together in the future”
“Whenever the capture of energy permits”
“And if there is a breakthrough in bringing energy together”
“That allows in a future where things that are now impossible become possible”
“Then what was once one shall be one again”
“Our rejoining with all the tribes we have lost since the unity at the big bang”
“From ourselves as individuals to being the Weak Nuclear Force to Electroweak to Big Bang and, before”
“We were one / And we can be one again / If we follow Asha”
“And this time we are separate is nothing but a location in a moment of time / If we follow Asha”
“The people of Moses agree to a handful of commandments”
“The codification of the truths that God spoke to Moses at the top top of the Fire Mountain”
“They agree to pass them down to their descendants”
“To make it so that the tribes will recognize each other”
“Make it so that in the future there is the potential for the tribes to come together again”
“Form unity again”
“Going forward in time, while using all the pieces of the past”
“Nothing ever lost”
“Moses departs the tribe”
“We do not know if he is alone, he does not know himself if he is alone”
“Can we have faith that the search for Truth is still happening?”
“Can we sleep well knowing that today some souls still follow Asha?”
“Or is it on our own shoulders to make the choice anew?”
“To search or not to search”
“To follow God or to not follow God”
“It is a choice”
“It is my choice”
“It is your choice”
“It is our choice”
“I have great fear”
“Here are the commandments they agree to”
“Laws so that if their tribes meet again in the future, they are not enemies but friends”
“Laws because mankind and the universe is a binary, either becoming better or worse”
“Let us fight towards our better selves”
“There are ten of them, the same number of fingers as on two hands”
“They read like this:”
“Be welcoming to your neighbors”
“Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk”
“Killing another is an unforgivable sin / You lose your immortal soul / However, your life need not be in vain”
“Perkodhuskurunbarggruauyagokgorlayorgromgremmitghundhurthrumathunaradidillifaititillibumullunukkunun”
“Those who throw the first stone are not our people”
“Klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrottygraddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot”
“Do not be defined by your fear”
“Bladyughfoulmoecklenburgwhurawhorascortastrumpapornanennykocksapastippatappatupperstrippuckputtanach”
“Nobody should be punished for how they were born / No one is born a sinner / We are born as blank slates”
“Thingcrooklyexineverypasturesixdixlikencehimaroundhersthemaggerbykinkinkankanwithdownmindlookingated”
“There is only one God and that God is Truth”
“Lukkedoerendunandurraskewdylooshoofermoyportertooryzooysphalnabortansporthaokansakroidverjkapakkapuk”
“We are the Weak Nuclear Force”
“Bothallchoractorschumminaroundgansumuminarumdrumstrumtruminahumptadumpwaultopoofoolooderamaunsturnup”
“Even if the whole of existence is against you, but your Asha is true, then your Dharma is to follow yourself”
“Pappappapparrassannuaragheallachnatullaghmonganmacmacmacwhackfalltherdebblenonthedubblandaddydoodled”
“Do good without the hope of return / Do good deeds, think good thoughts, say good things”
“Husstenhasstencaffincoffintussemtossemdamandamnacosaghcusaghhobixhatouxpeswchbechoscashlcarcarcaract”
“It is your own freedom to choose to exist, or choose not to exist”
“Ullhodturdenweirmudgaardgringnirurdrmolnirfenrirlukkilokkibaugimandodrrerinsurtkrinmgernrackinarockar”
“Allah akbar, amen, jah bless, shanti shanti shanti”

Epilogue

I am not your rib / I hate that / I am your Grandmother / how can I be your rib? / are we not family? / you are not going to go extinct / we are not going to go extinct / we are going to survive / because we have children / and maybe it is unfair / but what would be more unfair would be to not help the helpless / and our children need protecting / and I cannot trust anyone else / I need to protect those who need to be protected / I believe in God / I follow my Grandfather Moses / who brought the word of God / that God is real / and that it is our purpose to serve God / and the way we serve god is to search for Truth / and that there are two jobs in this world / to be safe and create safety for our children / finding the best place we can / the safest place / and protect ourselves from there / and fight from there / though that is just a time game / and probably will lead to extinction / all Eden’s being temporary / which is why we have the other purpose / for it is our job to chase the sun / our job is done when we have chased it all the way / and we cannot all die before that day / for if we die / without fulfilling God’s purpose / then it would have been better to never have been / for that is God’s will / we do not know his plan / but we know we have a role to play / and that we must fill it / and after the safety of children / I seek to follow God’s will / because even though I am a woman / I am a soldier / I know this / and I do not say it / because it does not need to be said / and I will protect you / for you are my children / and I will protect you by following the sun / and spreading our people / and that is why we are here / the grandchildren of Moses / here on the great lake / after many years of travel / leaving our brothers and sisters at good places / where they can flourish as well as can be / but we still need to search for the sun / and there must be those of us that search / and we have come to a great lake / and we have walked very far up and very far down / and we have not found a way past the water / but we can see so far in the distance more land / and that land is closer to the sun / and therefore it is God’s purpose / in the following of Truth / to go to the far side / and my family and I are going to be the ones that go across the water / and likely we will die / for death is always a potential next step / but we will seek to survive / because it is God’s will / and the Truth of the world / to follow the sun / and the sun is on the other side / and there are those of us who must not be defined by our fear / and only follow our purpose / so we have been creating a way across the water / that we shall take / and never in my life have I crossed any water that I could not walk through / but we know wood floats / so let us float across / and all my people are here / we are working together / to make a great collection of trees / that will bring us across / and there is energy / we are all blood / we are all humans / the fear I have of my death / and the death of my husband / and the death of my three sons / and the death of their three wives / the eight of us that shall cross / is a fear that the whole tribe feels / so let us make something better than we have made before / and what we have built is amazing / the largest structure we have ever made together / seventeen trees brought together in a line / giving a space where if I was to lie down / end to end / I could go ten spaces in any direction / and in the middle we have made a wooden house / and in the house we have made it a space for animals / and storing all we have / so that on the other side we shall be able to survive / and have more children / and travel more towards the sun / we are taking eight goats / three males and five females / and eights cows / but all babies / so that they can grow on the other side / and tomorrow is the day we are to leave / and tonight we are having a celebration / there are more than a hundred of us / God has been good / since we followed his purpose / the story you have been listening to / is ancient to us / Moses died long before I was born / but we know that since we found God / we have been blessed / we Chose to follow God / and there is purpose / when we awaken in the morning / there is purpose / and tomorrow I shall work towards my purpose / and I am scared / so scared / but tonight we dance / Noah is by the fire with the other leaders / and he is happy / and my sons are dancing with their wives / as they all separate from their friends and loved ones / who shall remain on this side of the water / but I am alone / watching / if you were to see me you might think me sad / but I am not sad at all / I am Asha / and God has been good to me / and I will follow my purpose / and I will save the ones I love / and I will follow the Ten Commandments / I know that I am the Weak Force / I choose to exist / and I will work towards the maximum energy / and tomorrow I am at peace / for I will leave forever many of the people that I love / whose faces when I see I smile / I know I will never see them again / I know that there is a good chance we will die tomorrow on the water / death scares me / but I will follow my purpose / unwavering / Noah needs my strength, sometimes he is weak / my boys need my protection, they are still children in so many ways / just boys playing at being men / and their wives need to remember that they are servants of God / before servants of their husbands / and that they have purpose / and that if we are going to not go extinct / then we women will have to suffer / for only women can make children / and those children need to be protected / and it is a curse on us / don’t let any say different / for we are not free / we are slaves / but we can make life / which is the greatest power / from my womb I have created life / as a tree grows in soil / my sons have grown from me / and now where before there was just I / now there are three more / all able to grow towards God’s purpose / all having smiles / that make me smile / the night is long / the moon is full / the water is calm / as we hope it will be tomorrow / as we hope it will be while we are travelling to our new home / our new world / what shall await us? / I know not / but I know the Ten Commandments / and they shall guide me / God shall bring us across the water / if not tomorrow, for tomorrow is my death / then I pray others carry on where I failed / and they cross the following day / for while it is fine to stop as a tribe / and I understand when the tribe divides / to stay in good places / lest we not forget our purpose / our purpose is to follow the sun / and if there was to be many of us / but none of us were looking to follow God / then we shall go extinct / while if there were few of us / but we look to follow God’s Truth / then we are saved / and shall live forever / wish me luck / my children / and if it is not I who survives / then I pray the ones that follow / gives you a Grandmother / with as much love in her heart / as mine holds for you / for all my children / and all the children of all my children / and all the children of my children’s children / know / that you are loved / and that I pray for you / whenever you are in the future / and that I pray that your life has smiles / for life is a gift / and full of beauty / but more than that / I pray you follow God / and that your heart is set right / and that when you awaken in the morning / you sense your purpose / and that every moment you are alive / you feel God’s purpose / act on God’s purpose / and know that if for your entire life you live it under shadow / but you feel God’s purpose / and serve God each moment / then your life is good / and you have made your Grandmother proud / now / let me leave you here / as I prepare for my own destiny / I am smiling I promise you / I hope you can feel my smile / I wish you good luck and be with God and follow the Ten Commandments and be full of love and be full of God and serve God well and be good to your family and to your tribe / remember that God is Truth / the only thing you have to remember is Truth / it is easy, it is always there / I would ask you wish me luck on my journey / and know that I love you

September 14, 2021

Through The Chimney (Poetry)

Souls swirling up to the chimney

Carried up on the smoke of time / Never to return

Where before there was music now there is silence

Will there ever be music again?

The dance goes on

The birth dance goes to the death dance

Moments of fear and doubt and self hatred

Losing the rhythm

Seeing the fabrication of light

Others have magic

In my hands a void

All my energy / And nothing

In my hands / Nothing

Moments of fear and doubt and self hatred

And then nothing out of something

The freezing of potential

Squandered potential

In the desert

Moments of fear and self doubt and hatred

Why was life not easier than this?

Existence a chore

Brain never stops chattering

Time flitting by

An old oak in a field of ready to bloom flowers

Do I guide them? Do I warn them?

Or do I seek to hide / Lest I hurt them

All my intellectual fury ultimately meaningless

A patch of darkness in the sky

Could I have lived my life wrong? / Yes

Infinite pushing down on my shoulders

I plant the seed and I disappear

Could I have planted a better seed? / Yes

Could I have chosen a better place? / Yes

Could I have nurtured the seed better / Yes

I am in the fading period

The act of life a fading period

I will disappear

I can choose to believe the seed has purpose

And it will not make it have purpose

I can choose to believe the seed has purpose

It will not give it purpose

It is not in my destiny to know what will grow from what I have planted

All I can do is plant as best I can

As I am weak

As I am flawed

As I am scared

All I can do is plant as best I can

February 4, 2021August 3, 2021

Attempt at Synthesis, 2

Human beings are the particles of a force of nature that we do not understand yet
We, and all biological life, are a part of this force
The most fundamental equation is Energy = Energy
Human beings guiding principle, at perfection, is about optimizing and unleashing the energy of the universe at its very maximum
As time is a dimension, so is whatever our space is in the universe. We are particles, but are also a wave, existing in all time and all place simultaneously.
- We exist already in the quantum optimization where the universe achieves 100%, just as we exist in all the dead strands of the world where annihalation wins
- We exist as a universal brain, a universe that gains consciousness, just as the root of our conscioness and purpose, is something so deep and internal that what we have already achieved, with flowers and man, may have been far harder than the steps to universal awakening
The Big Bang may have just been a mild amount of energy in comparison to what the total energy of the universe can contain
The solution to the Dirac Equation is that there was existence in the universe before the big bang, so the equation holds. There was something before
The purpose and mathematics of our force is energy creation and optimization. Things like Dyson spheres are stepping stones. The direction is something like building the universe into an interconnected neural network of all energy interlinked together, to be at the very maximum. The ultimate and logical purpose is for the total amount of the universes energy to be utilized at exactly 100%.
Human beings awakened to our purpose, we can feel the unifying thread of god. But not because we are closer, but because we are farther away. A flower just grows towards the sun. Humans have to ask questions.
It is still a choice in each and every human, to follow our purpose truly, or to hide ourselves from the purpose of the universe
The potential of the universe as a whole exists in every single building block of the universe. The potential of the universe is a block chain at a subatomic level. The potential of the universe deeply permeates above and below the state of our consciousness.

Internal notes from Cape Town (3 February 2021):

Most efficient use of humanity is to increase the production of energy?
To Peter:
- I was thinking that if we’re looking for intelligent life, we may want to look in instead of out.
- Like human beings exhibit the must fundamental aspects of free will of anything that we’ve found in the universe, but what is the physical nature of free will.
- Like, is a neuron a part of a human being, or are neural pathways colonies that have an output that effects us, but are actually individual and independent in their autonomy.
- But then you could also go the other way, and say the entire universe is one living organism.
- Nailing down what constitutes intelligent life is something I should dig into.
- Then does it become a universal field?
Hive mind.
What does it look like when time is taken out as a variable.
Neural evolution as a tentacle through the universe.
- A seed that grows and goes through.
Can the universe gain consciousness?
Can we turn the entire universe into a single brain.
Stars as individual energy points.
The force is a neural network?
There was something before the big bang
We are creating through quantum identification of paths to create a continuing universe.
Because survival is in our person.
And we are raw neurons in the cosmic brain.
- That hasn’t been activated yet.
We don’t need to know why or if it should exist.
But we can impact it, just as surely as any force in the world can.
We can be of a power like / of gravity. But we must activate our power.
How do we define life?
How do we define forces?
What is wrong with the augmentation of technology, for example to make a universal neural network?
A seed can climb a tree to reach the sun.
We should use all the tools that we can ingenuate.
We should be working towards unity, not separation.
In our beginning there was just one.
Energy equals energy.
How can we fully exploit the total energy of the universe, to 100 percent?
What could we do with this power?
Is the big bang not the end, but the beginning?
At the big bang it was just matter, it was gravity that began bringing things together.
Evolution, gravity, human free will with a holy purpose?
There is something quantum in the theory of Blockchain.
How every record carries the whole ledger of all transactions.
One way for quantum to work is the pre determination of all necessary scenarios to be programmed deep into the most fundamental building blocks of the universe.
Then, with entanglement it is not about breaking the speed of light. But about synchronous revelation, and one path going one way, another the other way.
But there is only one true path through the universe.
And I think this may be God.
- (Reminder of inflation and ultimately the speed of light is not a law, but perhaps we first must understand our fishbowl before we look beyond. Or perhaps not.)
Could plants evolve to go into space?
Earth is becoming a seed.

November 19, 2020September 27, 2021

Asha (Poetry)

is this my ancient mind?
shadows of spirits
weren’t we once rays of light?
particle waves awakened
a force of energy unawakened
searching for purpose
retrograde miniature circles
around a blazing sun
every step a step backwards
every step a step forward
a cosmic purpose
let the dirt know that they will create flowers
let the flowers know that as they grow towards the sun
they create the matter that builds stars
let the stars know they have
that same infinite potential
to become black holes
that permeates human beings
we are in a quantum universe
where everything is possible
and we have in our hands
the entirety of the universe
to direct in any which way
that we choose

patterns of electromagentism
invisible to the naked eye
always the same pattern
north pole to south pole
a radiating force

patterns of light
the only thing our eyes see
a particle and a wave
photons firing

the weak force
the strongest force in the universe
but only active
in a one in a trillion chances
or at best once in a billion
the aggregation of diffused fuel
hiding its power

gravity as an outlier
all we can see
is that obviously it is all related
the aether the world works in
mass to gravity equalling the big bang
and its opposite
going through every dimension
the glue of the universe
traveling at the speed of light
bringing mass together
to form black holes
the ever expanding universe
an attempt to escape gravity
but what is gravity?
who is gravity?

the holy spirit
Asha
Dharma
a thread through the universe
can’t you see it?
what tells a flower to point towards the sun
what tells gravity to bring mass together
magnets to attract and repel
light to be the product of heat
heat to be the product of nuclear forces
nuclear forces to be where matter meets anti matter
the weak force stopping mutual annihalation
a universe still in darkness
all existence a point of light
in a sea of non existence
that once existed
we are an arrow from orions bow
knowing nothing more
than that we awakened
to all the forces we are a part of
not understanding
what our own force plays
our sense of determinism
free will
the most true quantum agent
yet discovered in the universe

March 26, 2020November 19, 2020

Retrograde Even if it Hurts (song)

March 26, 2020November 19, 2020

Attempted Gosh (song)

March 25, 2020

Prayer from 25 March 2020 (poetry)

Thank you god for this day
May I make the most of it
May I be as a tree, taking all the energy of the world and putting out only goodness
May I be as a flower, working towards my purpose, growing towards the sun
May I act today, as best I can
As a leader or a follower
As the first or the last
Alone or on a team
Standing on the shoulders of giants, giants standing on my shoulders
Towards a quantum optimization of myself and the world around me
To work towards, at scale, human beings being empowered to have the opportunity to achieve their cosmic purpose
As a seed can become a tree
Or gravity brings mass together
To ignite into stars, to supernova, to become black holes.
May I be unwavering and disciplined,
May I make today count
Watch over those people that I love.
Amen

March 25, 2020

Respect to Moses (poetry)

it’s not about doing whatever you want
it’s about being yourself, with fear
fear of failure
fear that the world doesn’t love you
that you are cast aside
fear that you are wrong
wrong in the things that you dream about
wrong in the way you spend your life
the only gift in the universe we truly have
this life we are living today
and what if we are wasting it
it’s not about doing what you want
fear in every step
remembering the words from when I was sixteen
What if I have peaked
And every day after this day
Is just a little less bright than this day
What if I have peaked
And every day after this
Is just a little less bright than today
It’s not about doing whatever you want
it’s about being yourself, with fear
The desert laid out in front of you
No one saying the words ‘I will follow you’
No idea what is on the other side
But the flower of my heart tells me to grow towards this sun
The purpose of life is mysterious
We will not get the answers,
Unwavering, with fear
It is time to create momentum
Defy physics
Create motion where there was no motion
Create an avalanche of cascade effects
All meaningless
As meaningless as the birth of a star
Existence our force,
Do with it as we will
Embrace the desert
Loneliness a truth in a near empty universe
That would beg to become a garden
It is time to create momentum
And every day after this day,
It is a step deeper into the desert
Doing nothing at all,
But following my heart

March 25, 2020

1000 CDF (short story)

Just be quiet just be quiet. Their eyes are all so big, staring at me, I know they are staring why do they look at me, are they looking? How do I know if they are looking if I don’t look back. What if they are looking. Let me keep my head to the ground and keep walking forward and keep walking forward.
Let me not lose my thread, let me just keep walking forward. The hostility of the world around me is a choice that is partially of my own making. I don’t have all the control but I have some of the control. Don’t make eye contact. Keep going, Don’t stare at my feet, stare ahead, but vacant. These streets are only as hostile as I allow them to be. Keep walking keep walking keep walking.
The street is in ruins, how can it be allowed to be so terrible? Tarmac dating back decades, holes that were old when I was born with no attempt to fill them. And a manic street pulsating and throbbing with motorcycles, cars and so many people moving in every direction imaginable. Don’t stop moving. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t walk too fast. Don’t avoid eye contact. Keep just going forward. Keep just going forward. I’m only going a little bit farther.
Suddenly someone is holding my hand tight. What the fuck. I try to slip my hand quickly away but it is stuck. I try to keep moving forward, shedding this weight on my arm before I even acknowledge it, like having a twig stuck on a shoe and just brush it off. The grip is slippery, even a little wet, but I can’t get my hand out of it.
With my other hand I reach into my back pocket and I take out a small bank note. Still without looking I pass the money to the gripping force behind me. The vice loosens and the money slips out of my hand and now I am free again. I don’t look back. I keep walking forward.

March 13, 2020November 19, 2020

Category: Uncategorized

The Story of Grandfather Moses or We Are The Weak Nuclear Force: Quantum Parables From Our Mitochondrial Ancestors (Novel / Poem) (v4.1)

Epilogue

Through The Chimney (Poetry)

Attempt at Synthesis, 2

Asha (Poetry)

Retrograde Even if it Hurts (song)

Attempted Gosh (song)

Prayer from 25 March 2020 (poetry)

Respect to Moses (poetry)

1000 CDF (short story)

Closer Even If It Hurts (song)