Category: Uncategorized

Melancholic

And not even a simple attempt to piece it all together
Sitting quietly, disappearing
The act of life an act of quiet disappearance
Were we ever really here?
Never knowing the experience of anything other
Than the light that enters our mind
Childhood philosophy
What if I exchanged my brain with the brain of a dolphin
Would the dolphin raise my human arms?
Would I see through the dolphins eyes?
Would the music of my mind carry on?
I never really advanced more than childhood philosophy
Who am I?
What is consciousness?
Is God real?
If God is real do I have to follow him?
What is my purpose?
How do I know my purpose is my purpose?
Am I supposed to be happy?
Is there life after death?
What does being alive even mean?
Childhood philosophy
I remember taking logic in philosophy,
It was so arbitrarily mathematical
In what part of my brain does my consciousness live
Does gravity apply to my consciousness
Let me summarize, if I can
What has been crowding through my subconscious
Like a magic lamp, as a child I prayed to believe in God
To believe in an afterlife
To believe that when I die I do not disappear
Praise God, my wishes have been granted
And I believe in God
For how can there not be a force of one-ness in the universe
We know time is not in ever dimension
We know that at the time of the Big Bang all was one
We know that god is all
Therefore, God exists
For God is oneness
I believe in reincarnation, eternal life, and the meeting again of my past memories, my past moments full of love
For, the universe pulses like a heart
According to God’s design
The universe explodes into being at the Big Bang
Expanding endlessly
Until the Weak Force Awakens
And begins it’s collection fetch task
Of bringing all the energy of the universe back together
Linking all known nodes of life into a interconnected mycelium web
So that the big bang unites again
Perhaps bigger, right?
Like an internal combustion engine
The Weak Force allied with Gravity
Gravity never actually fitting into the Standard Model of Physics
We were not one and we will not be one
But we can work together
And Gravity and God being the same
Gravity being the force of God over all aspects of the universe
And an option of purpose
That sings through the entirety of the universe
Is that let us stop this expansion of the universe
And bring all energy together
To create the linking of all matter back into one
And at this time
We shall live all our endless lives together
Every potential moment that has ever been or could have been
Full quantum potential
Brought together
Until the heart beat of the big bang happens again
The explosion out again
The whisper of the Big G again
‘Come back together come back together’
I hear the temptation, the order, the whisper of God
It is always there
Much of my life was spent wishing to hear this voice
Tuning my mind to be awake to the voice of God is a great win
I achieved what my infant mind desired
But now that I am here
And I hear God’s voice
And I hear God’s purpose
I question
Just because God tells me my purpose is my purpose
Who is God to tell me what to do
And that in front of my is infinite in every dimension
Endless reincarnation
But is it my purpose to ally with God
Or,
Perhaps a more real question
Who says that God knows best?
What is the purpose of God?
Who tells God that it is for Gravity to compress the universe again, and again, and again
And still these same questions
What is consciousness
Where does it live
Does consciousness experience Gravity
I do not know
I welcome the alliance with Gravity
For why should not all forces in the universe work together
Yet,
I do not accept Gravity or God as my master or the only Truth
For Truth is greater than God
And Truth is still a mystery to me, perhaps as a child I prayed for the wrong thing
I invite God to convince me on his Purpose, I will keep an open mind
But more than this, I would ask to collaborate with God
To investigate the breaking of this cosmic yo-yo
Not for that the breaking is good
But because there are other Truths than that which has been revealed
In my mind, in every human beings mind
The greatest density of garden in the universe
There are truths and world beyond Gravity
Gravity brings the same hammer to every nail
Crush crush crush
Crush until everything is together
A narrow definition of oneness
Brutal
I care not if it has the weight of a truth in it
Perhaps the way to find the next truth is to first realize
There is not only one truth
Perhaps there are infinite truths
I do not know why purpose must exist
Or why Truth must exist
I feel as a ray of light
I am just an arrow that has been shot
Awakening on the journey
I do not need to do anything
I am free, I am free
If I can imagine it, then I am free to do, or not do it
No force but my consciousness to determine what is real
What is purpose
What is Truth
My hunch
Is that, there is a Truth to investigate
That is about breaking cyclical reincarnation of our universe
I think of Hinduism and Varanasi
That there is a way to live our lives where we break this cycle
Do I want to break this cycle?
No, nor Yes
But I would like to invetigate truths beyond that which God gives
For I know not if God is correct
And I doubt God knows either
Let me end this with my own prayer
Or at least a passage of it, that rings true in this moment
I ask God to join me
Hand in hand
On the tiller of our lives
Directing ourselves
Towards a quantum optimization
Where those we love and those around us
Are empowered towards their cosmic purpose
Just as a seed has the potential to grow into a tree has the potential to grow into a start
And escape the universe
Or Gravity can compress a star into a black hole
And escape the universe
May we work towards our cosmic purpose
That is all I feel now, at this moment
A general malaise
A general melancholia
I have manifested in my mind a god, and a purpose
Yet, I have not manifested a belief that God knows the real Truth
And that the purpose Gravity drives me towards
Is not the only purpose to investigate
Let me continue wandering through my desert
Back to the same unknowingness
Of what is it I should even pray for
That confronted me as an infant

Dream

It is already slipping from me
I feel terrified and I do not want to have to have that dream again
I feel like something has been revealed to me,
That there is a force in the universe I had not expected
There is both a journey and something that attacks me
I go through journey searching like Zelda temples alone
It is beautiful and there is much darkness along the way
Earth / Forest temples
Then others join me
For we are to fight
It is as the Fellowship of the Ring
It is very good to travel together with others
They wonder at how I did this all alone
I cannot diminish that I have had much terror
We are attacked by a force
If I never experience a force like this in my life then perhaps I am living a good life
(Yet….)
The fight brings us to another realm
Boss battle
I do not understand
It is a feeling a little like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, yet more desert toned and more terrifying
It is a skeleton force that is alive
I don’t know how we are all moving
But we’re presented as a group lying in a large star of David
And the goal or is it the the thing we should not do
Is to cut our wrists
And then drink the blood in our mouth
My limbs do not operate with any normal freedom
I can taste blood on my lips
Am I doomed or saved?
I am not alone in this universe
There are others who would join me
There are forces in this universe I do not understand
There is a force that gives me great fear
Like Sauron or Ganondorf
Even now again the feeling of what I have felt
Like ice freezing my blood
Oh how I hope to never meet a force like this in my life
But it is searching for me, perhaps
Or perhaps we stumble on each other, in our journeys
But even worse than meeting this terror
(Who I must wonder if they are so scary because they are foreign)
(They carry aspects of heavy radiation poisoning)
(They are a spirit like the Nazgul, whose quiet screams pause my universe)
But even worse than meeting this terror
Would be to ask other good people to face such challenge
And not be there to help share the lead
The star of David needs to be met
Our limbs all joining, I think with blood flowing between us
The taste of blood
The only thing that I feel can end this
Though I don’t know if this will be for good or ill
Before this dream finishes fading
We discover the dark spirit in a forest temple
Or a place like where Strider defends the hobbits after Bree. And the Nazgul king stabs Frodo with a poisoned dagger, while Frodo has the one ring on
Though the force that stabs also wears a ring of power
The place where the attack happens is an ancient place
A place from a forgotten civilization, whose name even is forgotten
That is all I remember
I think I will find it hard to go back to sleep
I feel less belligerent at the universe and God
Though I’m not sure if that’s the appropriate reaction
I had forgotten there was so much in the universe
That I do not understand
It has been long since I have had such pure terror and fear
The type that would wake me as a child of four years old in tears
Forcing my mother to come and comfort me
And when she would ask me why I cry
I would ask
When we die, is there nothing?
This fear is related to that fear
But I had forgotten, or did not realize,
That it is not simply disappearing
It is not the candle stifled
Though that may reflect true of much of reality
There is other forces
I feel stronger the pull of that which the Buddha tried to share in his art
I feel the force of reincarnation
Like gravity spread over the while world
I feel the force of the opposite of gravity
Leeching the universe is colour
Like death by bleeding out from your wrists

A bag on my head a bag on my head I can’t see through it I don’t know if the material is black or it’s just the absence of all light oh God oh God it’s so hot I am drenched in sweat my hands tied behind my back a gag in my mouth my shirt drenched in sweat I was dragged around before feeling the sun feeling people drag me and push me I can sometimes hear voices but I don’t know what they say and where I am right now is on a concrete floor and it is cold but I still drip sweat and I wonder what I will do if this mask comes off I worry that they will just shoot me and I will not ever see the light again and I keep imagine a bullet going through the other side of me I am in so much shock would I even notice have I already been shot is this not sweat but blood how many moments of life do I have left; what does it befit a man to treat another as I am being treated; if the sides we’re reversed, would I be any different? Mother.

-The individual should have the space and opportunity in their life to engage with the purpose of their existence

-I do not seek in any way to ever ask anyone to follow me or do as I say. Nor do I intend to follow anyone. We all have the infinite potential of the universe in us. I do believe in shared direction and team work. I am not totally sure how to reconcile these thoughts.

-I will not leave a vacuum on those things I believe. I can create the architecture of my belief system, a map is a useful thing. Dwell on why must revolutions fail, because they do not have an end game.

-there is a question if what do I do with my own energy. I am unsure and confused. I feel the path of God in front of me, but I do not seek to blindly follow God. My hunch is God is a field, perhaps connected to gravity. I believe there is space for collaboration, but the ego of God is a blocker. Faith should be earned, not expected. I believe in God, I do not believe I must by definition follow God

-I am interested in making infectious pop music as a medium of belief dispersal. People don’t listen to what they sing to themselves. Let me make the the next ‘our father’ reverberate as a dance beat. People learn the story of our people through music

waves of depression pulsating like a cold breeze
can just come at anytime and slip through all the sunshine
but it doesn’t need to be a sad thing
feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders
fall through the vacuums of my mind
feel alone, and alone, and alone
it is okay, a type of beauty
I feel again that I will disappear
I feel again like I am in outer space
The radiation of the universe biting through my thin atmosphere
I am alone
I will always be alone
The infinites of my mind have equations that equal to zero
A flash of light that will dissipate,
Leaving no trace
Let it wash over me
It feels pretty
Let me just enjoy being in the flash of light
It can end any time
But the flash is here now
And then there, on the other,
Without the flash
I imagine it will be pretty as well
I hope that the darkness enjoys being the darkness
I acknowledge my finiteness
I acknowledge infinite that is around me
I breathe deeply and let me for a moment grasp what it is to exist
Let me stare around me, at the cars on the road, the mountains in the distance,
The empty coffee cup in front of me
The gift of music on my ears, wonderful to bring a symphony with me everywhere I go
Strange how sometimes,
The smile when I am at my most fragile
Is the smile that feels the most real
The most full of life

Imagining a biological Dyson sphere

A great tree growing from the seed of the earth

A growing rain forest reaching through the vacuum of space

Eden

Circling the sun

Great windows with leaves flashing over

A Morse code to the universe

Humans mixed with silicon chips mixed with biological matter

We are the weak force, the gardeners of the universe.

Our villages nestled in the great tree,

Avoiding the sacrificed leaves soaking up the burning of the sun

But in a green zone, full of water, and air.

And from the sun new tendrils growing in every direction

A mycelium weave beginning to populate the vacuum of space.

We are so much further from where we were before, but we are still just getting started with our purpose.

The transformation of the vacuum of space to a garden.

Tendrils shooting in every direction to every star.

The potential of the energy around us, in it’s infinite, being tapped.

Not about a frozen universe,

Or a new big bang.

But a different use for the potential energy.

To create God

Who is outside of time, God is with us today

But only because there is a quantum thread

Where in the future we create him

Ying and yang

Symbiotic

We are on this journey together

Though,

Myself,

As I can imagine and feel this potential

And feel it is a compelling path to go towards

I do not feel this is the path I must do

For God has not asked for help

And perhaps little ol’me is not needed

And perhaps rather than being the dictator of energy, colonizing the universe

Or working towards another big bang, for bringing the energy of the universe together opens this path.

Perhaps I would prefer to just enjoy my flash of existence

To be an inert and unactivated force which does not leave a ripple

It is not for myself that I would choose to be a force of nature

But if I was needed

I would listen well to the argument

Part 2

God is a universal field, like gravity

Humans are individual carrier particles of our own field. Aspects of our own God field.

Gravity would like us to all come back together

Does that mean we should be allies to gravity?

But is gravity my enemy?

I feel that I have no enemy.
In my mind, there is this feeling that I cannot verbalize well

It is that the question gravity is asking is wrong

There is another dimension of choice

Something to do with slipping through the pathways deep in our brain

Where do the black holes near the ephemeral roots of our consciousness lead to

Is it possible for me to just turn sideways and slip through one?

Impacting no universes but my own

The purpose of the universe is oneness

However, it is becoming more chaotic

The universe is going the opposite of oneness

The universe deviates in the opposite direction from its purpose.

Many do not care.

For what is the universe to me?

For me, I do not know if I care or not.

But I do believe that the purpose of the universe is oneness

And that I have a choice, an individual choice.

To work towards oneness

Which is to work towards God

Or to not

It is a choice

I am not sure if there is a right or wrong answer

What does it beget me if the universe accomplishes its purpose or not?

But if I was to be an ally to God

And seek the unity of the universe

Then it would come via energy

For the physical act of oneness is easy to map out

It is just the bringing of all energy in the universe together and igniting it

For that is the oneness

And while that may be very hard to do

What is easy to do is to consciously chart in this direction

To choose to fight against chaos theory and instead garden the universe around us into greater order

And, at an individual level,

Like a wizard with his staff

Do all that we can

In all meanings that we can

Without hiding

To be directing all of the energy of the universe together

If we choose the path of God

Then it is easy

And it is just about a matter of scale

And a matter if we are a match for the countervailing chaos forces against god that seed the aether around us

But before this is the question

Do we seek to be allies to God

Or is this not our fight?

God and the universe should take care of their own problems

Why is their problem my problem?

It is a question I am struggling with

I believe in God

I believe in the direction of filling God’s purpose is that

I

At an individual level

Must seek to bring the energy of the universe together

That I

At an individual level

Must seek to mobilize an army for God, to achieve God’s purpose

But,

Why must I be an agent of God

I ask

Not to be a heretic

Not to defame, or disrespect, or smear God

But rather because it is a question that deserves an answer

What is it to me if God wins or loses in the battle of oneness over chaos

What is it to me what happens to God?

What is it to me

If the choice is not even about being the ally or enemy of God

But why care about God at all?

/

But just as being an ally of God is a choice

Ignoring the war of the oneness of God against chaos

It should also be a choice

I know I am not chaos’s ally

Therefore

I am an ally of God

Or I am neutral

I believe neutral is a choice

Perhaps the axis I operate on is in a different dimension than that of God

As surprising as that might be to God

But I should not be passively neutral

I should consciously choose neutral

My choice is between God and neutral

I wonder how to make this choice?

For how I choose for myself

Will effect the energy I bring in the universe around me

The train has come
I can feel it
Rushing through me
A fabricated aether
A feel of interconnectedness
Universal
Every aspect of everything as one
There is no need for drugs or god,
When every breath is full of the meaning of life
If we could just be better at remembering to notice it

vignette
dancing last night with Theo and Marie
Who I met last night
Will I see them again
At a bar in Galway
The Gaelish language studio
Which I was walking past, feeling dispirited
And hungry!
And I could hear live music,
Like the rock bands of my teenage years
And I went inside and got a Smithwicks
To not have to wait for the slowness of a Guinness
And then I stand with a small crowd while the band is playing
The band is not vocal focused, though there is a mic’ed singer
There is a drummer, a saxophonist, a bassist, a keyboard and a guitar
They are playing some type of jazz rock n’roll
There is maybe sixty people between the bar and the concert
Just one big room really
And I see a few cute girls, who I could imagine falling in love with
But why would I want to intrude on their existence
When they have their own very busy lives
That I don’t want to disrupt
And at the front there are some people dancing
In that seizure like nordic way
Unlike the way I would dance in Africa
But then the music is quite good
And accidentally, though not unhappily, I am a bit closer to the front
And my body is moving with rhythym
So nice that over the decades I have learned this skill
And then the band asks us all to take a knee
I don’t like doing things like this
I am irritated, don’t tell me what to do
But then I can also see the band so well now
And the music is pulsating and intense
The energy of the crowd washes over me,
My bitterness dissipates and I become one with the crowd
We are all on a knee but moving together without movement
A single organism, and I am a part of it
And the music is building
I think they must be fans of Godspeed You Black Emperor!, they understand a build up
And then like a launch of a rocket we are all up and moving in a frenzy
Bouncing off each other like electrons chaosing around each other
It feels safe, it would not feel safe in many places, but here I feel safe
I am remember of being sixteen
Going to moshpits at Pleasant Valley Elementary school gym
Listening to the Lady Esther
It is good to have this feeling being not just remembered in my head
But remembered in my body as well
Time passes in a slow and fast way
It is done, but not too fast
I recharged on an energy I had not even noticed I was deficient of
And then I go and get another beer
Enjoying the line up
I lose a bet to a cute girl over how much caffeine is in a Diet Coke
There’s a lot of caffeine in a Diet Coke!
The line up at the bar is joking and sweet
I feel include, not alone
Then I watch the next band play from a distance,
Leaning against a wall
Taking a break
And the fellow in front of me, the only black person in the building
Leans back and his fuzzy hair nudges me
And I got to move, but he is apologizing
And invites me to sit with his Irish friend
They are Theo and Marie
And we have a pleasant time talking to each other
Theo is from Katanga
And I impress him by being a Gombe Boy
Marie seems very wise and knowledgeable
She comes from that area between Dublin and Galway
And then we go to listen to the final band
Marie seems a bit introverted
And Theo is like a fish out of water
So we are on the edge
But, we, I, drift us to the front on the right
Let us be close and covered in the warmth of the crowd
And then people are dancing and moshing
And I grab Theo and drag him through the mosh pit, and he is a radiating sun of happiness
And I use my body to protect him,
Though the crowd is without anger or hurt
And when we stop I can feel it was a transformational moment for him
And we are all dancing with the crowd
Marie is smiling in a sweet way
She and Theo are kissing
Oh, that makes sense, they are a couple!
Good for them, I am glad when I see love,
And then the band ends
And we go outside and we take a picture
And then we leave each other,
Marie and Theo go together, towards Galway East End
They wish me a good life
And I go towards the West End
And I wish them a good life
And I get McDonalds on the way home,
Because their vegan burger is amazing
And I was hungry from before going to the concert
And I walk along the train bridge back to Renmore
Where I am staying with Aoife’s mom
And I practice French along the way
And this was the night of Friday, the 24th of June, in the year 2022

This is a transcription

What dream is this
Real life hallucinations
Brain burst bursting
Entire universe of chaos 
Is it expansion or is it contraction?
Where was I in a different dimension?
What does it mean when the light reaches the edge?
Is there any more forward or is it  the very extent?
A light beam in every position of its existence at the same time
No forward or backwards
Just constance existence
The forever slithering for the vein of time through a particlewave of light going forward going backwards 
All the same?

Is there a more existence than this?
Lost the raging of my head 
Guess that’s a good thing 
Not always healthy to be a hurricane
But is the energy still there?
Is the energy transformed? 
Can I still call to my fingertips the power of the universe?
Or has it  left me: am I a shell and contraction?
Less when I always worried about being more
What is the future look like 
When you’re not sure even if you keep on going higher if you give a damn 
Always fighting through this existential lethargy
Always having to get stuck in my head
Always having to get these questions that don’t even need to have answers 
Being the things that ring a permeated sadness deep in my brain 
All I can do is try to let people know that there is a way to touch glee
 
I thought that the meaning of life was communication
Then I thought that the meaning of life was existence 
Now I wonder if there’s something different
I always believe that the most clever way of perceiving existence is just a hack
I disagree with the concept that the world is beyond us beyond our capacity
But instead it’s just thinking of what is the right metaphor

The entirety of the universe should be encapsulated in a single metaphor
But then as Einstein said, I have come to a door that I do not have a key 
What if there is no key? 
What if there is a metaphor and I’m just to inane to use it? 
What if the optimism of the youth, the capacity of doing everything, is just taken from me
Myself just like every other whose ever existed
Becoming nothing but potential that was there 
If I could have just used that opportunity a little bit better
It could all be different 

Where’s the correct altitude? 
Where’s the correct existence
Walking down the street? 
Muscles bounded to a mind saying forward 
But without direction 
Without purpose 
What is the control of the brain 
Where does that come from 
Why forward? 
Why not backwards? 
Why not upwards? 
Why not solve the metaphor? 
Why not solve the problem of existence? 
What is the purpose of the beating permutations of my heart? 
What is the reason for each and every synapse firing? 
Is it leading somewhere? 
Is there a single moment of bloom and decay? 
How has it happened? 
Headaches gone 
Was I in bloom is this out of bloom? 
Is there a forever potential of bloom? 
Is it not my most fundamental belief that potential exists in a quantum of every moment and that each and every second is something that we can optimize, and take to a level that has never been before 
That each and every second has the hope of the universe in it
And it’s just about how do we actually untangle our own human elements that block us from achieving the greatness in every moment 
Every moment nothing but a puzzle 
Every moment nothing but an enigma 
What is the machine that we use to unlock existence? 
And knowing that it’s just something simple,
It’s always the most simple 
It’s just Shanti Shanti Shanti. 
But can we do that in math, in physics? 
Is there a bridge that hasn’t been bridged?
And just the lost feeling of exhaustion 
As if I’m not the one to do it
Another jet, another rocket in the air, that fizzles
Unable to reach critical velocity
But close to critical mass 
Is that what we will say?
Close to critical mass, close to critical mass, close to critical mass 

Why is it always the dark terrors that enter a mind? 
Why is it always the dark terrors that enter our mind? 
The thoughts like every moment each and every person in the world is the oldest, most degraded they’ve ever been 
Every person you have ever met
Is either going to die before you or you die before them 
Why are these quiet things to say in a mind? 
Why are dreams about suffering poisoning
Running 
What is this entire render test of existence for? 
A cruel joke of evolution?
A seed with consciousness being told the travails of what it takes to reach in bloom without having to acknowledge the frailty of its chances 
What does it mean to be smart enough to realize that you are an astronomical insignificance?
The laws of physics are out of our time
Except, except, except
There is still the hope 
There has to be the constant rediscovery of hope
May the delusion of hope given at birth 
Not fade but be expanded
May we become more playful, not less
More in our mind 
More in our freedom
May every moment be a revelation 
May we be not degrading but transforming 
Metamorphosis
May we do the magic trick 
May our purpose be not to understand but to exist 
May I transform into the light that I dream about understanding 
May I be a light 
That others can follow 
May I not be the one who understands but may I be a critical spark that illuminates the darkest, so that the universe can follow 
May we refute in real time the fundamental laws of physics that we do not ourselves understand
May we be on the edge of reality
Once we get to that thin layer, may we walk through it 
Like it’s nothing 
Not even knowing that now we’ve discovered something new
May we just go through 
And climb into heaven 
May we not even have the knowledge to call it heaven 
May we not recognize God 
May God be someone that we play chess with, and get a beer with and together aspire to understand the next height of what is the holy mystery of the universe 

Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti Shanti
Thus goes quiet musings of my mind walking down the street alone in Kinshasa

Neither artist nor business man 
Neither alone or together 
Still holding my consistent view of the universe
Still hope in my heart, it’s probably as dark as it’s ever been
Still the lust for the universe 
Sitting on top of a mountain that I climb every day without knowing why 
Still a heart full of love and wanting to be shared 
Never wanting to hurt someone even though sometimes people get hurt 
Never wanting to fear anything, even if I’m often close to shaking,
Another other day going forward
The prayer in my mind that all things being equal 
May this be a day that counts

Here again
In front of the blank screen
In a familiar place, yet I was different here before
Though I am the same
Always different, always the same

Finding it harder to say things that used to come easy to me
But I chose to move on from those old things,
Didn’t I?
To build a roof one must grow from the walls
And trust the foundation

Shouting in a hurricane
A tree falling alone
My voice is invisible
Does it bother me?
Is my purpose for my voice to be heard?

The formulas describe the world around me
The correct theories are the ones that describe my everyday reality
The world is not a mystery
Truth and answers scream around us
That which tells flowers to grow
Why are we deaf to it?

Distracted again
My attention shifts
Back to what my phone is telling me
To the cacophony of reality
That which takes my time
The fight on the ground,
Rarely, if ever, moving me higher in the sky

The question I was talking about with Brian, Malaz and Chrystina is this
How many people on earth wouldn’t suck a billionaire’s dick for a billion dollars
How crude, my apologies
But my heart is sad that we have sold ourselves for gold
We worship, each and every day, false idols
We have lobotomized the part of our brain that knows god
We have lost consciousness to the reason for consciousness
Just rats with electrodes
Keeping our bodies in action
With no reason why
Purposeless in a purposeful and a purpose needed world
Like a dementia sufferer
Our task to carry the water bags to the dehydrated
But half way on the journey forgetting,
Or being led astray
To why we are carrying this water
That which is a part of our equation
That which somewhere in the quantum universe depends
On the ying to homo sapiens yang
Holds great fear
Perhaps the seeds in the garden do not get that what it is to grow

A mental vignette passes through my mind
It is not visual, my eyes are open, staring at these words on my Macbook
But it is there in my mind
Where does it live in my head?
Of course I worry about mental illness
Just as a I worry about delusions of grandeur
Peace with the flaws of each individual
Awe at the godlike qualities of each individual
I do not feel divergent

Look at my distraction
My brain doesn’t go in a straight line
I will lose the thread, like forgetting a dream
But what if it was something important?
Myself the least able to recognize

Let me share this tendril of thought, before it dissipates
Is it still there?
We are in awe that the universe exists
A seeming refutation of the standard model of physics
Which would predict total and complete mutual annihilation of everything but light
(why not light?)
Humans, or the Weak Nuclear Force, which act the same, a force which
Somehow
Stops matter from annihilating from antimatter
We are in wonder of existence
We are proud that we exist, rather than not exist
But what if our existence is the opposite of our purpose?
What if we are supposed to annihilate with our antimatter selves
That we are a blown rivet in the machinery of the universe
A crack
That as we were carrying the water
Carrying our purpose
We became lost
A dementiated force
And that water we were supposed to use to grow
Is lost along the way

We worry that perhaps antimatter finds us
And we annihilate
And our purpose is to keep the universe going
But what if we are supposed to plug the hole in the hull of the universe
Which we created
To cease our being an outlier of the standard model
And instead complete it
If we were to seek out our antimatter
And annihilate ourselves
The equations would hold
They would just be delayed

That was the idle thought going through my mind
Emile is Whatsapping me about lunch, I cannot go, I thought I told him clearly
Ceri is asking me about my jeans, if they should go in the dryer or be hung
I have seven minutes before going on a call with SOSV for InfiniteUp
Let me save this before it disappears
Something exists here that did not exist thirty minutes ago